I just got a call from H. He was invited by a friend to go to a strip club. I have always been pretty open with him about stuff like that. I mean he has his magazines and videos and I really don't even think about them much. But then he mentions that his friend wants to buy him a lap dance. I felt myself bristle a bit. I just think that is too much. We have been working pretty hard the last couple of weeks to get our relationship on track again and I think that knowing that another woman was enticing H would be a bit too much for me to handle at this point in time. H doesn't understand my problem with it. He thinks I don't trust him. It's not really a trust issue..maybe it's that I'd spend days comparing myself. Why I might do that when I don't with the porn..? Perhaps because the video and magazine women are unattainable whereas this is a real live person up in his face. I guess I should feel good thinking that at least he told me up front, instead of just doing it and then me finding out later (which I'm sure I would, knowing his friend). What do you all think? Am I paranoid?
You can't control him, but if you are uncomfortable with his actions, tell him so. If he persists, then tell him that what he is doing is hurting you. Be honest and straight forward. No fits, yelling or tears.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
I agree with NOP. This is a bad move. Even if he's not at all tempted, this isn't a picture or a movie. This is a live, nearly naked girl wiggling right in front of his nose. Bad, bad idea.
You might ask him how it would feel to him if you and a girlfriend went to a male strip club and you got a lap dance from a well hung 22-year old guy with six-pack abs. Ask him to picture that and tell you whether he is comfortable with it.
I agree that he should not do this, and it is not a trust issue; it is a respect (of you) issue.
What have I done? H decided that he wanted to go to this club. I was so angry I got on the phone to my friends. We ended up at a club that is know for loose liasons. I came home after I woke up next to someone who is definately not H. I don't know what happened but I am feeling that it wasn't right. OMG! What have I done?
Quote: What have I done? H decided that he wanted to go to this club. I was so angry I got on the phone to my friends. We ended up at a club that is know for loose liasons. I came home after I woke up next to someone who is definately not H. I don't know what happened but I am feeling that it wasn't right. OMG! What have I done?
It seems to me that you've been working your way towards this kind of incident for a while. In your first post on this BB you indicated that you had sexual longings, but not for your H. Then you gave a lot of negative info about your H that might make you feel justified in having an affair. Finally, in the space of 5 hours, you managed to make plans to go somewhere where you could easily facilitate this behavior, engage in the behavior and then further justify it by conveniently "forgetting" whether or not you actually engaged in it.
That said, I don't think you need to feel like you're a terrible person. Both my LD sisters-in-law did the same thing. They complained about lack of attention from husbands who appeared very attentive to the neutral outside observor and then they proceeded to have affairs to get the "attention" that was not available in their marriage. IMO their need for attention was like the need for a drug. Attention from their tame pet husbands wasn't enough to bolster their low self-esteem and keep negative thoughts from intruding so they needed the higher high available from a new illicit lover.
Both of my sisters-in-law ended up divorced. One is very unhappy. She has gone through a series of boyfriends since the break-up in pursuit of happiness. She told my MIL that she regrets her behavior and wishes her ex would take her back but he has moved on. My second sister-in-law ended up marrying the man she had an affair with because she became pregnant by him. He turned out to be a real jerk and she ended up divorcing him too. She married for a third time a few years ago. I think it is possible that she might finally find herself in a stable relationship because my MIL told me her new H told her "I have my limits.".
There was a moral to this story but I kind of forget what it was. I'm really not trying to be judgemental just sort of pointing out that I hope that your H decides to take a strong stand for your marriage at this point because IMO that's the only way out of your dilemma because if he just wimps out you'll lose respect for him and if he just gets mad you're finito.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
You don't "wake up" next to someone after less than five hours out. Where were your kids when you and your H were out TNT'ing your marriage?
Finally, I'm sorry to say but I agree with Jenny. You were looking for an excuse to do what you wanted to do anyway. Instead of doing the right thing, you waited for your H to fcuk up so you could go out and be justified in doing the same.
Chachacha - okay, I had my response all ready until I got a little further down.
Quote: What have I done? H decided that he wanted to go to this club. I was so angry I got on the phone to my friends. We ended up at a club that is know for loose liasons. I came home after I woke up next to someone who is definately not H. I don't know what happened but I am feeling that it wasn't right. OMG! What have I done?
Okay. Let's regroup. I am sure you head is spinning like crazy today - and not just from the "spirits". My reply WAS going to be to the strip club issue. I agree with other posts that this is a bad idea, but I also understand that is might be hard to get H to understand this given now his friends are involved and he'd have to go through the whole "lil lady doesn't want me to go" scenario - not justifying this everyone , I just understand it. In the past I have "been there/done that" and let me tell you some findings. H and previous BF have gone - and I always kept my feelings hidden as to not be a "prude" - I'll get to the "where I stand on porn" issue in a minute. But anyway, but H's cousin was in town one weekend, we 3 went to a ballgame, then after the game they were joking that we should go to a club. Long story short, we went and I actually had a great time. Maybe this will ease your mind when I tell you - I was hit on more than the 2 guys, a lot more. I lived next door to a stripper for a short time and apparently this is the norm. I was thinking that might make you feel better.
I am very open sexually (maybe this is why H says "I KNOW what you want" when I am trying to get him to show more passion during ML). I am just as guilty as the next person in that porn, Playboy, etc., excite me. I use these items with and without H when I MB. Not ALL the time.
But this a.m.'s issue is your latest post. Unfortunately you have some decisions to make. And only you can make them. My heart goes out to you.
