Hello again all. It has been a really long time since I have been back on these boards. My wife and I have really been working hard on the issues in our marriage and, well, it really paid off. The past 6 months have been going really well in every way, except sex but even that was slowly and steadily improving.
Yesterday, my wife confessed to me that she was just not attracted to me like I needed her to be. She loves me but is not attracted to me sexually. This is exactly what it has felt like over the past 3 years but she would never admit to it....until yesterday.
Anyway, where do you go from here? Now that it is actually out, I feel as though I need to do something about it. Except for the above issue, our marriage is excellent. I just don't think I can stay in a roommate type relationship over the long haul, no matter how excellent everything else is.
That must have been hard to hear and I imagine it hurt a great deal. Did you ask her what she thought it would take for her to find you sexually attractive again? Is she attracted to other men and just not you or are there other possible outside forces that are killing her SD? Work, kids...stress?
My wife has said the same thing. I think the best that you can do is fix ALL the issues, make yourself attractive in every way possible, and then it's up to her. Do you think it is a relational problem, or a physical problem with her?
Meatpuppet. You might go and look at some messages by a user named "Sevens", (does anyone remember how he typed his username? I think there was an actual "7" in there).
He told his wife: "You know, you are a fantastic mother, and a great, true friend, and I'd be the luckiest guy in the world if that was all I needed, but quite honestly your lack of effort and unwillingness to compromise and your inability to find it within you to work on this TOGETHER, has led me to make the decision to leave you at least temporarily, and as sickening as that is for me to say, I know it's the right thing to do for me, right now."
I know that, temporarily at least, it shook his wife up enough to try to be more sexually attracted to him. He was, however, prepared to move out, and had already picked out an apartment. DOn't say it unless you are prepared to back it up.
That's gut wrenching, my friend. Manly hugs to you.
I feel for you. My W has all but said the same thing to me. Her actions speak volumes (sex less than once a month.) One thing I have noticed though: On the rare occasions that we do have sex, W is happy for like days afterward. Is that the case with you?
My point is this. Sex is as a rule performed in the dark. "Attraction", as in physical attraction to one's looks, is very important early on in the relationship, but later, other things become more important. If we are spending happy time together, she is more likely to want sex. Perhaps it is just to make me happy, but WTF is wrong with that?
I am in the same sich. My H keeps blaming his LD on my lack of physical attractiveness. On some level, I KNOW that this isn't the REAL reason, but it can eat away at your self-esteem. It's kind of tricky too because how can you prove to your spouse that you are "good enough" looking? It's hard enough to believe this yourself. I am typing this at 3:30 in the morning because I just woke up from a PMS induced nightmare in which my H kept forcing me to look in mirrors to see how unattractive I am.
Quote: Sex is as a rule performed in the dark.
I don't think this is a general rule. I can't remember the last time I had sex in the dark. Probably the last time I went camping.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
My wife has been working on this but it is looking like she has gone just about as far as she can go in this area. She is definitely not "blaming" anything on me, well, at least I am not taking it that way. I am a fairly handsome guy. It just seems like it is one of those things where she just isn't attracted to me. I have definitely known beautiful women who, for one reason or another, I just did not "click" with in a sexual way.
I don't know if there is really anything that can be done. I certainly don't want to lose a great person but I also have no desire to spend the rest of my sexual existence with someone who just "lets" me ML with her as opposed to someone who "wants" me ML to her.
Could she be using this as a cover so that she doesn't have to work on it or make an attempt at intimacy?
I mean, I can see where her physical drive for sex might be low but to not even be able to look at your mate and say, Yeah he's sexually attractive...that seems odd to me.
Maybe a question to ask, is: Are you willing to work to become sexually attracted to me? Do you wish you wanted to be attracted to me? Are you open to the Idea and possibility of becomeing sexually attracted to me? Is she able to achieve desire on her own?
There are some subtle nuances to these questions. You aren't asking her to become such or even want to, but the idea of wishing you wanted to want to, is BIG.
Unfortunately I've had lots of experience with not desiring my most wonderful man. However, these truths have sustained me. 1. At one point I physically desired him with intensity and frequency. 2. The desire stopped, then eventuallly restarted. So I KNOW and have faith that recapturing desire is possible. 3. When my Sex drive is low, it's rediculously easy to not notice small inklings of potential desire. So I must pay close attention and be open to the possibility. I've made the commitment to act on even the tinyest flickers of desire and even my desire to want to feel desire.
4. Fake it till I make it works, not always, but even if it works ONE time it's worth it. No faking the orgasm, but act as if I felt desire, do the actions that I do when I feel desire, think the thoughts. Any attempt IS SUCCESS and good. No blame pressure or hard feelings if nothing physical happens. (this part took a while to master emotionally not blaming me or getting upset with my body not working right)Any sparks and sizzles are to be celebrated with joy.
Right now it is a lot of effort and mental gymnastics (as some one else put it) to get interested. It's exahusting at times and I really Don't want to or am completely indifferent to sex.
Every once in a while I am pleasently surprised. The other morning H came into the room to get dressed after his shower. I motioned him over because I felt like fondling his penis. I had absolutely NO desire for sex but I was happy, then the idea of sex crossed my mind and didn't get rejected. I thought, sex will work, he can get some, I can make him happy, and I'm just fine with my body not responding. So I told him, lets do it. He was happy to cooperate and my body supprised me with a lovely intense fairly fast orgasm. weird, very weird then afterwards I had that don't want to let him go feelings that I haven't had in ages, not physical desire, but a very strong emotional connection.
Things that made the encounter work, me happy, no pressure feelings or guilt feelings from him or from me. No expectations. I knew he'd be fine if things went no further than the fondle. Lots and lots of affection and love feelings.
He said it was worth being late to work for
Lucky for him my primary love language is touch. Morninglory
I believe that attraction of the type your W is describing comes and goes within a long term committed relationship. I have noticed every HD person here mention times when they find themselves not attracted to their spouse. Not being wanted is eventually not attractive to the HD partner. Likewise, being constantly desired is eventually not attractive to the LD partner.
I think sometimes people who have lower desire due to anxiety or poor self image actually begin to disrespect their partner for wanting such a flawed person as they see themselves. Many of the HD spouses here have actually made more headway when they stopped desiring their LD spouse and said so, or moved out, or quit sleeping in the same bed. What is my advice to you? I don't really have any pearls of wisdom because I am still working this out in my own R. Just think about what this dynamic means in your particular situation.
