Quote: I already know things about the OP and not much about this doesn't sting or stink!
OK, good for you. I found it's like trying to catch falling knives and so I wasn't recommending it for the slew of reasons I gave. I stopped when I sussed out he probably bought himself a penis enlarger and I thought that was happy, high note to leave my knowledge of him off with.
I just wanted to add how do you handle working with the OM. Like in my sitch W told me they only were talking, however 54 phone calls everytime i'am not around and some emails on how i miss you and this could be dangerous etc.. is pretty scary. I believe this was only a EA but there is one set of calls every ten mins apart on a night W went out. Anyways Me and W are Police Officers and the OM is too, we all work in the same building but doing diffrent things. Yesterday I brought W a flower for somthing she did for me ( baby step) anyways OM was in his office when we stopped to talk to other P.O. and I said how is it going OM and he replied not bad. W walked back to her office with the vase I gave her. I just want to say at that time I did not feel anything no anger no blame but later in the day I though I want to rip his head off, and then I said would this get me closer to W? Probably not. So much for Police officer Brotherhood that is what really hurts is somebody knows you and your W but just gets in for themselves, to me that OM is scumand has no values. I felt really good confronting that situation. When I produced the evidence to W when I found all this out she kept telling me she did not have an affair and it was just talk ( alot of talking) W even told me Om respects me and admires we are going to MC. If he respected me he would stepped back and said no she is married and dropped it. (My own values) It feels like I need her to come clean with me so I can forgive her. I always try to stop blaming and have beginners mind we still live together and she told me she was moving in june. W has stopped talking about seperation and actually talked about a future with me like getting a new house toghether and a new wedding ring for me. I have made many baby steps and they continue, however there is alot of work to do and I think the OM issue has stopped, but I still guard myself. My sitch is a little diffrent because my W thinks I took her for granted and never did enough for her and she is right. So I have been working on me and it makes me a better stronger person. Most people would of pursuid this OP situation and maybe even got into a fight or worse killed someone I see that everyday at work. What I am getting at is if you fall down get back up and dust your self off, regroup and continue to feel positive. I get hit hard at work listening to everyone elses problem and alot of times I start to think of my own sitch. I just pick myself up and start all over again.
I did meet with my friend on Sat AM and I now know. I want to say that I do realize that there are situations where not knowing is better than knowing, but it is good that I found out.
I do know the OM, in fact my W & I are/were good friends w/his sister & her H. I also know his mom. Another friend of mine saw my W&OM together in a park. All of these people felt like they had a huge weight lifted from their sholders when I told them that I knew & that it would not affect the friendship that I shared with them.
So long story short, some feel that it is a one-sided affair, a "school-girl crush". The mom and sister of OM are *NOT* happy about this and the $^%+ is going to hit the fan! My plan is to sit back and watch and wait.
I am praying that the relationship of mom, sis & OM can be healed. I am praying that OM breaks it off w/my W and talks to her about seeking a R w/me rather than going off and finding a R w/another OM. I feel releived and glad that I know becuase I see God's hand at work thru my friends.
I will not be grasping at knives or anything else because my hands will be folded in prayer.
I am praying that the relationship of mom, sis & OM can be healed. I am praying that OM breaks it off w/my W and talks to her about seeking a R w/me rather than going off and finding a R w/another OM.
I hope it works out for you, but be prepared that it can very well go the other way. People putting pressure on an affair couple to breakup can boomerang and commit them to being even closer as they fight against those that would deprive them of their assumed one shot at happiness. You're hoping for a lot of things to happen, and you'd be well advised to have no expectations. Things will work out the way they will, and not necessarily the way you have in mind.
What makes you believe that the OM is going to now emphasize you as the person your WAW should be in a relationship with?
some feel that it is a one-sided affair, a "school-girl crush".
They wouldn't really know. I doubt even that your W knows. Don't hang your hopes on what others may say.
Quote: People putting pressure on an affair couple to breakup can boomerang and commit them to being even closer as they fight against those that would deprive them of their assumed one shot at happiness.
That's not being pessimistic. Pragmatic, but not pessimistic.
An affair couple will draw closer together if they feel they're under attack. They become a united front to battle the enemy, the enemy being those that would try to take their happiness away. The direct confrontational approach serves to reinforce the decision the WAS has already made.
Insofar as drawing comfort or hope because relatives or friends have categorized the affair as a "school-girl crush", their characterization of the affair is just as much a guess as anyone else's, and they have no more of an idea of how it will work out than anyone else does.
I do wish you the best. So far, from what I've gathered, your plan consists of 1. knowing things about the OM, 2. having some people tell you the affair is one sided, 3. praying that several things occur: A. that the relationship of mom, sis & OM can be healed (which are actually 3 things), B. that the OM ends the affair, C. that the OM talks to your W about going back to you, D. That your W is then convinced to come back to you.
It's been a few weeks since I posted. In the time that has past, I did find out who the OM is. I do know him . . . and his sister and his mother. I did have to laugh when I found out who it was and I knew that it could not last, even if my W said that she "loves" him.
A week ago, I had the opportunity to talk with him. We were both waiting for our D's at a meeting. When I saw him I didn't know what to do or say. I remembered that on my phone consult w/Vernetta, she said that if I knew who he was, how I treated him could be a DB strategy. At first I was going to nicely say, "Hey, I know what's going on and I'd appreciate it if you'd cut it out." But I thought (and prayed) about the right words. I calmly walked up to him and said hi. He saw me coming and was looking down. When he heard my voice, he looked up and said hi. There was a minute of silence and then I asked if he had been out on his bike recently (we're both "cyclists"). He said no that he didn't have much time. I said that I had been out on New Years day because it was so warm, but not since. I asked another small talk questions and then someone else came to wait. I said so long and left.
I felt so empowered to have all my wits about me and not be afraid or nervous or going bonkers w/my emotions spilling all over the place. I felt great being nice to him all the while knowing inside he was wondering if I know and if I did why am I being so nice to him. I felt great just being there letting him feel my presence, but being calm, cool and collected. It was like practicing DB w/my W, except it was the OM!
Many thanks to Vernetta for her suggestion that how I treat him could be a DB strategy. And thanks to my Lord for filling me w/the confidence to stand firm in the truth. I know that there is a long road ahead, but I'm on it for the long haul and whatever happens in the future, I have my dignity and integrity in tact. I'm not perfect by any means, but I feel more in control of myself than I have in a while.
My question is this, now what? I know that snooping and spying are detrimental to the sitch and I haven't done any of that. Do I wait to see what happens? Do I let my W know what I know? (I'm guessing not.) I've been dark (save for stuff about the kids) for about 6 weeks now. For some reason I feel the urge to some out of the dark, but don't know what to do or say. Any suggestions?
I felt so empowered to have all my wits about me and not be afraid or nervous or going bonkers w/my emotions
Yes, that sounds great. Just as you would've treated him even if you didn't know he was the OM. It sounds like you've made some great strides in yourself during these last few weeks. Good work.
My question is this, now what?... Do I wait to see what happens?
Why not?
Do I let my W know what I know? (I'm guessing not.)
I don't know what knowledge you're alluding to, but I'd agree with you.
I've been dark (save for stuff about the kids) for about 6 weeks now. For some reason I feel the urge to some out of the dark, but don't know what to do or say. Any suggestions?
What's fueling your urge? Is it lack of results during these six weeks? Has she not initiated contact? If you're not seeing results in this time, you may want to surface a wee bit. It's just as important as anything else that the WAS gets to see a positive, spirited, happy you. Someone they want to be around.
My urge is fueled by either not enough progress or not the kind of progess I wanted. There was a streak of 3 weeks where I received unsolicited email about the kids each day, and some were light hearted, but never anything about her/me/us. There was was even a spoken apology for snapping at me.
This weekend is Easter and there will be several exchanges of the kids so I will have some "face-time" to be happy, lighthearted and smelling and looking nice.
During my DB phone session the counselor said to pay a specific compliment about once a month. I noticed that W's hair was lightened so I'll mention how well the color looks on her.
My urge is fueled by either not enough progress or not the kind of progess I wanted.
These things take time and go on their own time schedule, not ours. But you are seeing progress, and that's the key. "not enough" or "not the kind I wanted" are quantitative and qualitative statements that have more to do with your desires and expectations than what real life is providing you with. So, perhaps, you need to quiet your urges somewhat. Or, take a step back and judge from the results you are getting as to what would be needed to encourage more of those results.
There was a streak of 3 weeks where I received unsolicited email about the kids each day, and some were light hearted, but never anything about her/me/us. There was was even a spoken apology for snapping at me.
Well, things fluctuate and right now may just be a lull. See what happens.
It sounds like you've made some great strides in yourself during these last few weeks. Good work.