The short story. WAW says she has not been happy for 9 years. 2.5 years ago she tells me so. Says she is "attracted" to someone else. Says she won't leave because too many people will get hurt. This past summer says she wants to split, having an EA w/OM. Leaves me at home w/D13 & D14.
Yesterday my best friend tells me that he knows who the OM is.
Do I want to know? What are the pro? What are the cons?
Pros: - with two teen daughters, you can find out if he's a drug addict/ ex-con/ scary person who you should protect your D's from at all costs, or if he's just a schmuck. - if Om is married, you can slip his wife a copy of Divorce Remedy and maybe she can reel him back in
Con: - putting a name and a face to it does hurt. Be prepared.
Well, I was lucky (kind of) - all I had was one brief glimpse of her photo on my H's laptop and a first name. I think it's harder for people who know the OP or have met them in person.
Much worse was reading H's "love letters" to her.
Still, I would think the pros out weigh the cons.
BTW - horrible thought here - you don't have any suspicions it IS your best friend, do you? He wasn't trying to tell you something????
Just from my experience when I was snooping around trying to get as much info as I could on the OM. I have his phone number, address and I know this sounds petty, but last night I saw a web cam pic of him and it made me feel better because I was thinking he would look like Brad Pitt or something. I know that's kind of shallow but it really did make me feel a little better even if it was a grainy web cam pic.
Like what Ellie said, reading any "love letters" or any kind of communication is what hurts the most.
I'd suggest not snooping or spying as it can consume you and you'll lose your focus on DB'ing. It's been much better for me since I stopped spying on my W.
Quote: I'd suggest not snooping or spying as it can consume you and you'll lose your focus on DB'ing. It's been much better for me since I stopped spying on my W.
True. Early on I snooped to see what they were buying for each other on ebay because they were ebay junkies, and it killed me when I saw he had bought a ton of crotchless bodystockings, catsuits, see through miniskirts and the like. Ugh!!! I was devastated. Eventually I simmered down and realized sex is sex and adding spice to it didn't mean crapola, for all I knew, she was wearing that stuff for him to get excited. You'd think that would've been enough to stop me from snooping, but oh no! I revved up again at another point to see what new stuff he had bought, and it was a private auction, but from the seller's items immediately preceding and following that purchase of the OM's, I deduced it was most likely a penis enlarger. On that happy note, I decided to stop snooping
My friend said that I know the OM. UGH! He said that he knows of two other people that know as well. I feel "left out". I know that when I find out, I'll feel like I was kicked in the teeth, gut and groin all at the same time. At this point, I think that I just have to suck it up. Knowing is better than not becuase of safety issues w/D13&D14.
I quite accidently found "I love you" cards back in Aug. I was calm when I confronted my W with them. Later that evening, I couldn't help myself, snooped and found a love note. It was pathetic. Something my D14 would write. I was not so calm when I confronted her w/that. She told me that she could never trust me again. HAH! I realize that this is just her MLC and I realize that this thing will crash and burn. I just have to be patient and let her learn from her own mistakes. I'm done snooping and pursuing, but knowing will "level the playing field". At least I'll know who the competition is!
I hear ya. I confronted my W with all evidence I had gathered for a week. Same sort of reaction, she couldn't believe I had spied on her which I actually did feel bad about. I just wish there had been no reason to spy. I also wasn't calm at the time and of course it sure didn't help me any. She hasn't brought it up again since that night and I did tell her I didn't need to snoop anymore.
If it were me, I would want to know who the OM is especially if you know him. Just be very careful with how you proceed once you find out.
You're putting your energy into the wrong direction, I'll tell you why. There were a couple of things about you that she felt she didn't like and when she sought a cure for it, she "found" it in having an affair with the OM. So if you were a musician, he's a banker. If you're a banker, he's a musician. If you weren't attentive, he's attentive. If you were attentive but always domineering, he may be less attentive than you, but not domineering. You see where I'm going with this? The OM just fills a need, knowing who he is doesn't solve your problems, and will just make you look like you're spying or stalking on them and will also just keep your anger burning about him. Your focus at him as the enemy will also serve to bond your WAW and the OM together closer as they join ranks against the one person who's against their mutual happiness, namely, you.
He's not competition. I thought I was up against someone more accomplished, smoother and obviously with more pull over her heartstrings than me. But as time goes on, I'm convinced he's got pimples on his ass, he probably annoys her from time to time, she has dreams about me like I do about her, she's not sure how stuff will work out with him, but damn she's gonna try, he doesn't pay for her way like I did so she's got it a bit worse with him and he won't commit to her, so she's not asking for a commitment lest he run away, but I ask you: These two ran off together pledging their undying love to each other forever, and if she's the true love of his life that he's been waiting for all his life... he won't commit to her? You know what I'm saying? The OM is just a guy with flaws like everyone else, there's nothing special about knowing him.
Your real problem is not him, your real problem is about your relationship with her that she felt was bad enough to go outside of. That's where you need to put your energy.
