Well, for me 'going dark' was 180. It just wasn't working, even the vagueist amount of contact would make my H agressive. I had been very close to him in the M and we spent 70% of our time together, so 'disappearing' for me was a total turn around of behaviour which was what eventually brought him to me.
I even got a kiss on msn messenger last night
I guess it depends on what your R was like with your W before and how much she percieves your contact as 'trying' on the M (which ex's can find off putting) - sometimes going grey works as well. I just think that with your W changing her mind all the time, the last thing she needs is pressure.
If you give her the opportunity to miss you, it could swing the cards in your favour.
Ioavva, I do my best to stay away and keep pressure away. On the 25th of Feb when we last talked she ranted for 2 hours. I listened and validated but she doesn't seem to mend. It's like even the thought of me sets her off. I've got no response to the email I sent last Wed which I posted on
M problems take a long time to build up, Tag, so it takes a long time to fix them.
I am divorced from my H and it took a D to make him come round, he even said 'happy anniversary' to me just before the D came through.
It sometimes takes a D to make them realise what they're losing. I have a good R with my H now and we are slowly working on developing it. It's much better than it ever was in the M.
Even if she pushes it to a D, it doesn't necessarily mean the end of your R. Me and H talk to each other all the time now, we are open, we are honest and the sex is amazing.
(No one ever tells you, divorced sex is HOT - if you do get a D, you have that to look forward to).
We've been talking about getting a house together in the future and a commitment ceremony.
My friend Martha just re-married her ex-husband a few months ago. Even Richard and Judy (UK chat show presenters) got re-married to each other after a D. It happens all the time, so don't lose heart. When I think of all the hurtful things my H said to me, I think sometimes it is divine intervention that got me here.
You are NOT a failure, don't ever think that. Tell yourself you love yourself and say it everyday - like attracts like. Your W is more likely to love you as well if you exude this.
Not much has changed in my sitch. I went out last Saturday and EW showed up. I invited her to go up north with me this weekend and she said that she would let me know. I am not expecting her to go but you never know. She called me this A.M. to make arrangements to see the kids tomorrow night. First time I talked to her since Sat. I asked her what was up for the weekend. It sounds like she wants to go, but she is telling me about all this stuff she has to get done. I don't know if she is making excuses or not. I told her that if she didn't want to go, I understand the sitiation. She said that that's not it, she just has alot to do. She is going to give me an answer tomorrow. Nothing else to report........YET.
I think you might be asking her too much. It's ok to make an offer to see her, but then drop it. Leave it up to her. Don't keep checking or this comes across as pressure.
When I sent my H the text on telling the relatives, I didn't contact him again to check whether this was okay, I just left it.
When I saw him again, I didn't mention it and he didn't.
2nd time I saw him, he mentioned it and we had a positive conversation.
If you want to succeed with your DB'ing you have to do it like that. If you make an offer, leave it at that and back off to let her make the decision, or you come across as pushing.
Just saying this as friendly advice because I want you to win your W.
Thanks Jo. I wasn't trying to pressure her. Just wanted to know what was going on. I do agree with what you are saying. That is the reason that I haven't called her at all. That and being dark.
So, how do you progress from polite but uncomfortable chit-chat to something more relaxed, easy, etc? On the surface H and I seem to get along well when he comes to visit S, but there is definitely tension in the air (on both our parts) and I don't know how to become friends again.
Jo, I don't wnt to barge into this post so would you check mine at: Running on Empty II specifically a reprint of an email exchange with my oldest D and my reply to Mrs NOPs. Mrs NOPS asks a good question from a logic point of view but I just can't go there. What do you think?
Just let it happen naturally - don't analyse stuff. Eventually there will come a time when you are not awkward around each other.
It is always as awkward as arse to start with. For me, it took several months of him coming round before it was natural to chat.
You will generally know when he has progressed to friendship as he'll give you ques (i.e prolonging conversations, asking you questions, laughing with you etc).
For me, I knew because my H commented that every room in my house was a different colour. (That was a compliment). He was noticing things round the house, whereas before it was strictly say hello, pick up the baby and leave.
I followed his que and I still do that now in my efforts to continue developing our R.
