I can't believe I was just able to log onto this board on my home computer. I saw your message Gabriel and thought I would give it a try, and it worked. I have been trying for weeks to log onto this system. Hopefully, it won't happen again. I haven't had time to post from school. I have been extremely busy which I guess is a good thing.
Things the last month have been going pretty good w/ H in one area. He makes it obvious that he loves me, that he misses me and that he wants me back in his life. Just last night he told me that divorcing me was a huge mistake. He tells me that we will probably get married again and things will be great. He has said this on about three occasions this last month. When we have gotton into two different arguements, he called me the next day and apologized. He has NEVER done that. He didn't even do it when we were married. I have become great at DBing. The better I get at it, the stronger I become. I literally can walk away if I wanted to do so and know that I will live happily ever after without him. Things should be just wonderful shouldn't they?
The huge problem that has arose the past week is H's negative attitude, anger and self-pity party. I truly think he is using again because of these traits that are showing up again. I clearly recognize them because I was the same way. I am working with my counselor who is trying to help me not enable. She says that H needs to hit rock bottom and it is very possible that my having contact with him is keeping him from reaching that point.
I plan to see him the second week in April. It will have been ten months since we have seen each other when we finally do meet. I plan to make the visit as pleasant as possible and be someone that H has to have back in his life. When this very pleasant (and DBing) visit ends, I will put down firm boundaries and walk away from him. I have to do it if there is any chance of his recovery. I am enabling him so badly now. I also need to get to Alanon.
Hope you all can see from the success of my DBing that you all have a chance to get what you want. Don't let my addiction problems get in the way of seeing how much closer DBing brought me to my H. Hope and Gabriel, I became friends with H first and then when he realized I was just being a friend and not trying to "win" him back he couldn't resist me. Keep doing what your doing, get stronger and more patient and things will start to happen.
I will try very hard to keep posting. My computer is making me crazy!!!!
Sam, Its good to hear from you. I really feel for you in your situation. My sitch is pretty straight forward, W doesn't want anything to do with me, no mixed signals, no false hope. You walk such a fine line, between trying to get your H back and trying not to enable his addiction. Do you think this confuses him? Maybe I dont understand but on the weekend you will see him you say that you want him to see you as a person he has to have back in his life. Then you say your going to set some firm boundries and walk away from him. Looking at this from my perspective its confusing. What does your counselor say about this? I'm definetly no expert at what your going through, I just know how I would react. Or maybe your trying to make the statement "here I am, see what your missing, first kick the addiction then we can work on a relationship"?????
Anyway something to think about, Its good to hear from you. Hope
Thank you! Your news about your sitch was like a breath of fresh air. I truly appreciated it and was it every timely.
Your advice to refocus on just becoming friends first is very wise, as is the mindset of being able to walk away. I will do my best to shift my focus back to that. I've start to drift to overfocusing on my W over the past few weeks.
Hang in there, Sam! You sound like you're doing great. And I will keep your April visit in my thoughts and prayers.
Thanks for the nice words. Hope, I posted on your thread. Also, I wanted to clarify my plans. My plans involve showing husband "here I am, see what your missing, first kick the addiction then we can work on a relationship". The last scenario you described is my exact plan. I think I spent the last three months DBing so I could become someone H would miss. Now I have to show some tough love and let H go. Counselor explains that I have set a good stage, H knows I love him, H knows I am a good person, H knows his life will be less without me. I just hope the drugs aren't more powerful. I trust H can do this now I need to get some strength and just let him go, completely and totally. Counselor explained that being loving and kind to an addict has the opposite effect of being loving and kind to someone who is not an addict. She reminded me that those who influenced me while I was using influenced me because they helped me hit rock bottom not because they were kind and patient with me.
Also, he told me the other day that "I am his hero". It sounded so corny when he said it but it was so sweet and sincere. He said, "You are my hero." You know on Ferris Bueller when the friend says to Ferris after he rescues him from the pool, "You're my hero, Ferris." It reminded me of that and I wanted to laugh. Of course, I didn't let husband know and inside I was just beaming.
I want to remind you all that the only reason things have been going well is because of my excellent DBing. In the next week I will list exactly what I have done to give you all some ideas.
Gabriel... It is so easy to get caught up in W, focus to much energy on her and mess up the DBing. You are right, the best thing to do is back off and refocus.
I'll keep you guys posted about my trip to see H. I think I should stay in a hotel for sure instead of at his house. Do you think I should have sex with him or not? Sometimes I think I shouldn't because it will make me get to emotional. It is going to be hard to resist, but I think I should. I know sex could also be a good thing for us. Maybe we could reconnect. That is the only reason I would do it. Doing it for my own emotional needs is too risky for my mental health. H is not really the type to have sex just to have sex so maybe I should. He gets emotionally attached for sure. Or..maybe I should the next time we see each other but not this trip. I think sex this trip would be taking things to fast. We have not had sex since our divorce was filed over a year ago, but we have slept together in the same bed a handful of times. Advice please.
I have been working hard at getting in shape. H slipped and said he was going to break his diet and each such and such and then stuttered. It was obvious he is trying to look good for me and regretted letting me know. I am getting excited just talking about my trip. Four more weeks!!! Yeah! It is going to be weird.
Sam, Sounds like your on the fence about the sex thing, but you seem to be leaning towards not having sex. You have to follow your instinct. I think if I were in his shoes I would be thrilled to get to first base. I guess the best advice I can give is take it slow and dont let your emotions rule your actions. I know easier said than done. Hope
I'm excited for your upcoming trip! It should be a well-deserved opportunity for both of you to reconnect and checkin. In terms of sex, I agree with Hope that you will know if its right. Know that sex can be a very bonding event for a man and that it may very well work to help with that reconnection. You'll want to just be honest about it with him, and keep your expectations low regarding any positives from it. If it happens, maybe try to merely enjoy it! It is not a stranger that you are considering ML to. It is your H (X yes, but still your H).
Let us know how things are going with you! I always enjoy hearing from you.
Just wanted to give some updates on my situation. It is getting really late so I am going to keep this short. I need to get to bed, but will try to post more later.
H and I are getting along beautifully. What is working? It is all about me and my new attitude. I am completely at peace with myself and my life, and H loves the new me.
Here is one small example. H is really a mess because of problems in his life and in the past I used to intensify his stress. I used to be the biggest worry wart. When H told me about his problems, I would get stressed and just add more stress. This eventually led to him not sharing anything with me. Today, I am less selfish and try to be there for him.
His brother works for the company H and I created together. Two years ago we caught his brother stealing money. We gave the brother a second chance, but I was such a witch about the whole situation. In fact, it was two months after this situation that H began having an online EA. Well, guess what? The brother is stealing again, and it is very likely a huge amount of money. H told me about the situation, and the only thing I did was reassure H that his brother is just human and human's make mistakes, that he is no angel himself so he shouldn't crucify brother (he wants to have him charged with a felony), that H is probably wrong on the amount of money he is stealing (I don't think he is). H responds very positively to the new me and my new attitude. H is still very upset with his brother, but it is his own reaction and his own thoughts. H still thinks the same things about his brother, but I can tell that he loves not having to defend his brother to me. Everytime H says something negative about brother I validate his feelings, but I also defend the brother. This is huge for me because of the problems this situation originally caused in our marriage.
I will add to this post later, but I have to get to bed right now.
I wanted to add that my new attitude has come about because of DBing and trying to live a more Christian life. My new relationship with God has brought me more contentment and peace than I could ever imagine. Hopefully, I will find a computer that will allow me to post more very soon. Got to get to bed. Goodnight.
P.S. H is getting new health insurance and offered to add me to it saying we both needed to have good health insurance. Also, when H told me about brother stealing money he said, "Brother is stealing from me and from you." I thought this was neat because the brother really isn't stealing from me because that isn't my company anymore. Whether his brother steals or not I will still get the same amount of money each month. To me this suggests that H is saying this because that company will be both of ours again one day.
I enjoyed reading your update. It was great to hear that your H is responding to your positive changes. I appreciated hearing that validating H's feelings or perspective worked. What if you took it one step further and didn't bother to defend his brother, but merely validated him (giving him the sense that you are completely behind him, yet staying neutral regarding the other), with statements such as, "I'm sorry that you're having to go through this again with him." "I know that you'll think about this and find a good way to deal with it." This way, you don't appear to be taking the side of the brother. Not attacking family anymore is great, and I'm sure he appreciates it, but now try to merely attend to H and see what happens.
The insurance and "me and you" comment do seem like H is planning for the two of you! I'm very happy for you, Sam! Such nice positives here.
I too find DBing and my better attending to my faith becoming more and more intertwined. At times I fall back to wishing I had been this strong or balanced in the past, but DBing is about staying in the present while working toward a better future.
Take care, Sam! And scold your computer for me (I'd love to hear about your sitch more often).
Good to hear things are going well for you. I'm happy to hear that the positive changes in your life are having a positive reaction on H. Keep it up. You sound in great spirits. I believe you handled the sitch with the BIL great, especially if your adding fuel to the fire in the past has increased H's stress level. You did great. I did read Gabriels post and agree some statements like "I know you'll make the right decision in the end" is a good way to go. I say this because I know that when someone leaves a decision totally up to me I am more likely to seek advice. All in all you are doing great. I have also strengthened my relationship with God. I talk to God more than I ever have in my life. I dont just pray for what I want, I also thank him for what he has done for me and given to me, along with asking for his guidance. I know that God never gives us more than we can handle.
(I'd love to hear about your sitch more often).