I have been trying to decide whether I should come to piecing yet. It seems like a lot of things have to happen to be here and I'm not sure if it's time yet but I'm going to give it a try.
My and H and I don't live together but we our relationship has become the best it has been in years. We have been married 91/2 years and separated for 10 months.
I've been a little anxious lately cuz he has had some things in his life he had to deal with and he totally focuses on that. When that happens I tend to take it personally and start trying to grab for the "rope" like I might drowned if I don't.
So I must continue to work on that insecurity issue. It really bugs him. I even gave myself another one of my artificial deadlines before V Day. I didn't expect much, but I decided that if he didn't acknowledge it then I was going to take a break from him. I don't know if I would've gone through with it. However, on V Day he was still busy dealing with his issue, but he did say he would see me that day. He flies by the seat of his pants a lot so doesn't always plan things ahead of time, which I am working on dealing with where he is concerned. He called at 6:30 and said lets go have dinner, no reservations or anything and I really knew that was how he would do it so I was ok. We went to our favorite place that is little known right now so we had no problem getting in anyway. He also gave me a cute snuggly stuffed dog and the most beautiful card that made me teary eyed. It was actually "To my Loving Wife".
For the longest time he didn't refer to me as his wife, just introduced me by name.
So I've been holding on to that for the past couple of days and rereading the card that says what I know he can never say himself but I know he means it.
So, I want to be piecing--things have been getting better ever so slowly and I am working hard at this. So I hope I'm in the right place. I think I need to journal more too, so I can keep track of things better.
Welcome to Piecing. It's a bit of a different atmosphere over here...I find it very cozy.
You're in Piecing when you decide you're in Piecing. If it feels right, then feel free to post away here.
It sounds like you've had some good baby steps. You mentioned that there suddenly seems to be some progress around the time your "deadline" is about to take hold. Could you be pulling back/detaching/dropping the rope more around these times?
Thank you! I would like "cozy". Sometimes it is depressing over on the other boards--but I totally understand why. I think I am looking for a more positive atmosphere, although I want to keep up with my new friends over there and help if I can.
I hadn't thought about my "deadline" stuff that way. I know I am feeling different when I do that so maybe it is showing as me being detached more. Something to think about.
Last night when he called he was a little frustrated because an unexpected expense came his way and he was angry about the way the situation started. I would have normally tried to make him feel better, offer reasons why it happened and it will be ok, you will get through it, blah, blah, blah. That always made him angry at me because he thought I wasn't on his side, I was trying to make him see that maybe it wasn't as bad as he thought. Well, this time, I totally took his side--said it was a real crappy deal and it was unfair (which it really was) and he must be really frustrated and it probably ruined his day. And he complained about it some more and said, yeah, it ruined his day. Ah ha! No anger at me! Woo hoo! That felt really good. He invited me over and I stopped at DQ to get him a treat. I thought, "I'll give it to him and tell him it will make him feel better". And then I thought "no, this won't make him feel better about that situation and he will be pissed that I said that". So I just gave it to him with no comment and he commented about how he had been eating good all day and this kinda ruined that, but he loves his PB Parfaits, so he thanked me and enjoyed it. God, I'm good!
Anyway, I'm coming to the end of my lease in May and need to find a less expensive place to live. I really hope he wants to find a place together, but I won't talk about it and just go on about my business. Will probably have to sign another year-long lease but so be it.
I feel relaxed today. I sleep so much better with him than at home alone.
I have found that simply listening and validating are two of the absolute best things you can do. Sounds like you did a good job.
I'm not sure if I would suggest to him about moving back in just yet. That's a big step...it sounds like you haven't even discussed really reconciling. Maybe you could mention to him that you are going to be looking for a new place...maybe invite him to come with you...but leave it at that.
Yep, it really does work well. I'm not going to say anything about him moving back. It has to be up to him when he is ready. I'm not sure I'm totally ready but I hope that by the end of May we have progressed to a point where we might be able to at least talk about it. I know he likes being on his own right now. He gets to be a grown up without me lying to him, manipulating him and lecturing him in an effort to control his behavior and feelings. And I am relieved that I don't feel the need to do that so much anymore. That always put a lot of pressure on me and made me feel bad alot!
I guess I just want that fantasy relationship. I know there is no such thing, but compared to what I had before, things would certainly be better.
Mollie, If you remember to just take babysteps, you won't be disappointed when big steps don't occur and you'll be pleasently surprised when big steps do occur!
I would tell him casually that your lease is coming up and you will be looking for a less expensive place soon. Act as if he is just a good friend and you are just exchanging day to day information about your life with him. If he says he wants to come along and help you look for a place, great...but if he doesn't that's okay, too. This is a chance for you to show him that you are independent and okay with yourself. You can do this on your own.
Piecing means working on getting a life, too. So, work on some outside interests that don't include him. Got a bike? Start biking! Live near a gym? Start working out. Like to read? Join a book club! Whatever it takes.
You'll be more attractive to him, if you are a bit more active and a bit more mysterious. Make him ask you what you did last night! Make him wonder what you are doing for the weekend! Go out! Do something fun!
This doesn't mean bring other men into the situation, get some good girlfriends and then get active!
Thanks Akgal! It is nice to be here where things are a bit more positive. I am actually doing many of the things you suggest. I had to find the place I live now myself cuz at that time, I didn't want him near me. I volunteer on Saturdays at the animal shelter and I have a couple of friends I like to go to movies with and just hang out.
I am getting better at not waiting around for him. I think what I have the hardest time with now is it seems we are not moving. There are no talks about the future.
I think I may need to get out and do something so I'm busy when he calls. I am usually pretty available, although sometimes I take my time getting to him. I think he is back to thinking I will always be there when he's ready so he doesn't even think about it.
I'm not interested in other men. I did have a few dates back when we first split up 9 months ago. H had an OW then and I had tried to get him back and he wouldn't budge. So I needed a distraction. When he found out I was with someone he was devastated, kicked OW to the curb and said he wanted to try taking things really slow. So here we are.
One of my favorite places to read is eyesopened's KLA stuff. Great ideas and encouragement.
I'll go check out your thread to see what you've been up to. The more info I can get the better, right!
We do spend more quality time together than we did when we we lived together. I know I just want things to move ahead a little faster and I have to be patient. Like you said, keep working in baby steps. I sometimes want them to be big, giant steps!
Quote: I think I may need to get out and do something so I'm busy when he calls. I am usually pretty available, although sometimes I take my time getting to him. I think he is back to thinking I will always be there when he's ready so he doesn't even think about it.
So, shake him up a bit! Don't be so available! Wait a day before returning a call. Don't call him, let him call you.
This drove my H nuts! If I didn't call him for two or more days, he always called me...and this was a man who said he hated me and that things were absolutely over!
It's a bit of a different atmosphere over here...I find it very cozy. 
