I was wondering how much you identified with the typical LD profile, and if in your case the differences in desire is still present at the same levels as before the crisis.
I don't know if I would accept the moniker "typical" (I'm unique dammit, just like everyone else! ha) but, if you are asking if my physical longing aka "lust" has increased, then the answer is no.
On the other hand, do I long to make connection with my husband in every possible way? Yes.
I push myself to be more aware of the occasional *pings* of horniness. Those twinges were always there, just buried under the mountain of relational poop we had managed to accummulate.
What does that look like to NOP? Well he wrote, " however, it seems to me that in a good relationship, the lines between HD and LD become so blurred as to be effectively indistinguishable. My experience is certainly moving in that direction."
It's part of the reason I asked "what does desire look like". I need to revisit that thread before it scrolls off. I asked because the phrase that keeps coming up is "I want them to want me" and I'm still not sure how that would display itself to all those longing for it. kwim?
At one point I wrote, "Maybe I'm simplifying too much, but as the LD in our relationship, I don't wait for my somewhat nebulous sexual senses to burst into flame before I grab NOP's butt, cop a feel or grab him and lay one on him. I don't know, but even among members in the arousal-then-desire club, it's not impossible or psychologically damaging to get "physical" during the day with your spouse -IF- both partner's have reached a place where they *want* to express care for each other."
Quote: It's part of the reason I asked "what does desire look like". I need to revisit that thread before it scrolls off. I asked because the phrase that keeps coming up is "I want them to want me" and I'm still not sure how that would display itself to all those longing for it. kwim?
Yes I do. I think HDs want their mates to be as motivated by horniness and sexual desire as they are, and when they aren't it causes all sort of trouble. I speak from experience. want me means show the same level of enthusiasm as me. Just to be there and maybe just enjoying the closeness isn't cutting it when measured against this standard. Caused me a lot of grief until I accepted that my wife isn't a female me. But, I plan on having a good time anyways, however we can.
Quote: How do you remember to do those spontaneous shows of desire, if it is not your body driving it?
Because sex/desire is not all hormones.
Because I perceive the above as spontaneous shows of affection.
And because I settled it in my head and chose to.
Quote:
Did you always remember it and just didn't do it, out of resentment?
And can you be as specific as possible? I need to, uh, relay it to someone very dear to me.
I don't think it was a matter of remembering as much as it was the relationship breaking to the point that I had little interest in being affectionate. Or caring.
I have to head out for a while, but may have more thoughts on this later.
I can tell you I didn't show affection because I was afraid of getting hurt cause I didn't trust my husband. Everytime I would want to say I love you or hug him or swat him on the butt or hold his hand or kiss him I would freeze up and this little voice would say. No it's not safe he is a liar. You will get hurt. Don't let him know he can hurt you.
Quote: It's part of the reason I asked "what does desire look like". I need to revisit that thread before it scrolls off. I asked because the phrase that keeps coming up is "I want them to want me" and I'm still not sure how that would display itself to all those longing for it. kwim?
I was kind of wondering if maybe the answer I posted on that thread was too PC. Maybe I was just saying what I thought someone who was motivated, loving, yet still kind of self-identified LD would want to hear. Did you actually want to know what an HD woman might do if she was overcome with desire? I could tell you some of the things I might do but those things wouldn't necessarily serve. So here's the desire analogy of a woman who finds sex a spiritual experience. For me, being overcome with desire is like someone feeling the need to testify at a gospel church. Some people might talk in tongues, some might break into song, some might raise their hands to the sky and some might just fall on their knees and praise Jesus. OTOH sometimes it's not all that spiritual and it's more like I'm a hungry she-wolf gorging myself on fresh meat. Hmmm...it doesn't really sound all that appealing does it? No wonder my H is LD .
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
JJ, you are so good with words and stories, the above is rubbish.
Your H is LD because he is so picky and his actions are non agressive sexually. You have enough sex appeal for two or more people. It even rubs of on me once-in-a-while. and I am more than a thousand away.
but, if you are asking if my physical longing aka "lust" has increased, then the answer is no.
.