What happens now?

[ValerieA]

Hi! Quick post:

H called last night to let me know where he's staying. After getting off the phone, I ordered flowers to be sent to him today. H called me earlier to wish me a happy 30th birthday, but didn't mention any flowers, so I'm hoping they'll be there when he gets back to his room.

Well guess what? H surprised me with some flowers and balloons I just received! The card read, "...Take the kids to my mom's at 5pm, and I'll see you when you get here..." Sounds like I'm driving 3 1/2 hours to get to Fresno! It also sounds like H might be learning to not hold grudges anymore (about the other day).

Enjoy your weekend, everyone! Thanks for listening.

[ValerieA]

Hi. Hope everybody had a nice weekend.

I went to Fresno (first time there - pretty scary!) on Saturday and got there about 8pm. Hey, NY, thanks again for suggesting the flowers. H was completely surprised and so very happy to see me when I got there. We had a nice night, too. Didn't know much of what there was to do out there, so we just went out to eat and shoot some pool.

I had a bad dream last night about H changing his mind about us again. H wanted a D and actually told me everything that went on in the A. H told me many things I did not want to hear. I know it was just a dream, and it means nothing. It was still bothersome though. Before the A came out in the open, I had dreams all the time of my H cheating on me. I would tell H about these dreams, too, and every time he would say, "That's ridiculous!" Hmmm...

Everything's been going fine today despite the dream sticking in my head. Gotta get rid of those thoughts. They mean nothing. Sorry, more rambling! I just needed to get this out. Thanks for listening.

[ValerieA]

H left for Fresno again. He will be there for about 10 days to do installs with a co-worker.

H's cell phone bill came today. Of course, I just had to look at it. Now, remember this all came to light on 01/28. When his invoice became available online for the month of January, I had seen that he called OW several times after making the "it's over" call. After confronting him with this which I believe was 02/07, he said he hadn't called her since the past Thursday or Friday. Ok, now according to his invoice for February, he called her on the 1st, 3rd (three times), and on the 6th at about 1am. We were in Reno for Super Bowl weekend on the 6th! He had no incoming calls before he made that call to her, so if I were to confront him on this, he can't give me that excuse. There are two incoming calls on different nights that he got after 2am. One lasted 15 minutes, the other 7. I don't remember talking to him that late before. I'm just remembering when I found out and how OW called him after 2am.

Things have been going ok for the past couple days. Not sure exactly how to handle this new info. He said I could check up on him anytime. He said he didn't care if I checked his phone records anymore. He said he hadn't talked to her since 02/03 or 02/04. Just not sure what to do. Not sure at all.

[Growing]

JV,
If he said you could check the records, then you are only following his advice. You could ask him calmly about it and show him the invoice. If he gets upset, drop it. Do not get into an arguement with him.
If he didn't want you to see the invoice he could always change his user name and password.

[NYsurvivor]

A calm request for an explanation, as Randy said, is in order.

[ValerieA]

When H found out that I went online to look at his phone records, he did change his password. He didn't know that to get his password, all I had to do was go online, click on "Forget password?", and the company would send a text message to his phone with it. He knows this now. When H changed it, I was very upset, of course! I asked him why he changed his password if he had nothing to hide anymore. H said, "I don't like how just anyone can get into my account that easily." Um...hello! I AM YOUR W! Not just anyone! So finally he said to try "nissan" and if that didn't work then use his SSN because he just happened to forget what he changed it to. For the next few days, I noticed that he was hiding his phone at night and even when he would take a shower! Finally he let it out of his sight one day for 10 minutes (while taking a shower), so I was able to retrieve the new password. Needless to say, it wasn't "nissan" or his SSN. This was all at the beginning of last month. His password has remained the same.

When H was pushing a R talk a week ago, I told him that I may have questions come up from time to time, and all I want from him is to be honest with me. No matter how hurtful, painful, or brutal the truth may be. He said alright, he would do that.

Now. About bringing this up calmly. I can do that, but when? While he's still away and how soon? Or should I wait until he gets home in 10 days?

[NYsurvivor]

Maybe in the next 10 days you may come up with some more "evidence". He may simply be retreating a little bit, getting his last "fix" of the OW, and it may be short lived. So don't push right now, but DO go back to being detached, and moving forward and answering "I dunno" when he says "ILY". Keep your eyes and ears open to see if it becomes a full blown A again.

[soccermom]

OK, so I'm having the same dilemma with the phone issue. The OW is still texting him but I haven't had the guts to actually read the messages. I just know when he has a new message. He used to leave the phone in the car ALL the time and now at least brings it in and leaves it on the dresser. Of course, I look at it periodically to see if there are any new messages. Why? Who knows. What it proves, I don't know. I already know she's texting him so what's the point? Ugh. Well, yesterday morning I checked it as usual before I got in the shower and there were no new messages. After I got out I heard a noise and went to look and then it said one new message. I became enraged and told him to tell the OW to be careful about what time of day she sends her text messages since at 6:30am I am the only one up! Well, since then, he brings the phone in still, but now turns it completely OFF. Hm...Trying to shield me from the hurt he knows I feel when I know there's a message or just not wanting me to know exactly when and how many messages he's getting? I am so confused. I just want this to all go away. I'm exhausted from dealing with it since November. Seems like years. So anyway, I feel your pain about the phone. I was checking online to see how long he was talking to her, at what times of day...until he got a new phone and new number so now I can't. I was getting obsessed with it, so maybe that was best. H did this before he decided to give our marriage another try, but I would like him to give it up just to give me some reassurances that he's not trying to hide anything. He doesn't get that. Oh well, hang in there and I'll do the same. But that's what I'm afraid of.....more of the same.......and no resolutions.

[ValerieA]

I'm not sure what other kind of "evidence" I could possibly come up with. His phone is his lifeline, so to speak. I suppose I could check credit card bills, too. I used to always send out the bills except for the credit card ones. H would go to the bank and take care of those, so I never bothered looking at them. Although I did look at the last one for the month of January. We have 2 cards - one we share, the other is solely his. I noticed he charged a few lunches here and there on his card. This was before reading DR, so I said to him, "Nice. The boys and I get Denny's, and she gets Mimi's Cafe, Johnny Carino's,....." H didn't say a word.

I'm really at a loss here. On one hand, I want to get it over with now. But then again, he's 200 miles away working to support us which I'm so grateful for. On the other hand, I feel like if I wait until he gets back, even if I calmly approach him about this, he may get irritated and not provide any answers for me. He may just get irritated either way. I know I don't want to let this slide. I need and deserve answers. He's told so many lies. It's become almost impossible to decipher the truth from the untruth.

[ValerieA]

Well, ok. I'll wait until he gets back from Fresno. This is because H called a little while ago and told me about his hectic day. He's out there showing up for installs, and someone at the office didn't notify him of certain customers not being approved. He was not a happy camper. So I just listened to what H had to say, validating his feelings. It seemed to have soothed him a bit.

I think I won't answer his calls for a day or two. I think I was getting a little too comfortable with knowing H still wants to be around. I also think I will wait a day or two after he gets back before I bring up last month's cell phone bill. That will give him some time to unwind from his trip.

Thanks for listening.