What happens now?

[NYsurvivor]

I told him that he needs to take this time to make a decision, a definite decision, as to whether or not he wants to give this M another try. He said he would do that.

Everything you've been doing that's making him say, "You're acting so different. You don't need me anymore?", plus his guilt and the crash of his reality, has brought him to this point. Telling him the M is still viable could be a bit premature on your part. It may be the reassurance that he's seeking that you're still there for him that encourages him not to worry about it. Let's hope he doesn't retreat now that he knows you're still open to it. If he does retreat, become indifferent, doing what worked and do not show signs of wanting to work things out if he approaches it again. If he doesn't retreat, take it real slow, do not show enthusiasm. Let him work his way back until he's in real deep for good.

[ValerieA]

Yeah, I knew H was looking for reassurance at every part of our conversation, and I tried my best not to give it to him. Well...shoot. I guess I missed that one.

Thanks for listening.

[Growing]

JVJKB,
Hi. I have been reading your thread and I must say you are no remarkably well. I am very impressed with how you have conducted yourself through this. Keep up the good work. I hope someday I may get that opportunity.

Good Luck.

[NYsurvivor]

Stuff happens. But you have a plan either way it works out.

I was told that this is like capturing an animal. You lure them by making it so that they walk into the trap themselves while you're far away. They may come close to the bait several times but then sudden little moves on your part toward them may spook them and cause them to retreat back into the bushes a bit. But as you pull away, they may take to the bait hopefully again, because you've made it so alluring, and they walk into the cage. The delicious bait keeps them focused on their meal and they don't realize that they're inside the trap as you slowly and quietly start to close the door so as not to spook them. Now they don't want to leave because they're enjoying being in the trap, and only then is the door closed, because they're definitely back.

[ValerieA]

Thank you, Growing, for your kind thoughts and words.

This is undoubtedly the biggest trauma I've had to endure up to this point in my life. It's hard. It is so very hard to get through this, but I keep telling myself everyday, "No matter what, I'll be ok. I will be ok." I also remind myself to be strong for my boys. They need me to be.

I have no one else to give me the reassurance I need other than myself and the people on this site. I thank each and every one of you from the bottom of my heart. You have all helped me a great deal!

[ValerieA]

Ok, so H hasn't called me all morning. I'm thinking it may be due to that unintentional reassurance I gave him last night. But after the way he was talking and sounded last night, I've been feeling quite worried. H has a tendency to really drag himself through the mud a lot during hard times. So, yes, I gave in and called him. I know I probably shouldn't have, but I needed to make sure he was alright.

So I call him and he answers (thank goodness). I said, "Hey! I just wanted to make sure you were alright." H said, "Yeah, I'm alright. I'm here (at the home show) by myself. I've got customers walking through the booth right now." I said, "Ok, I'm glad to hear you're alright. I'll let you get back to work now." Before we hang up, H said again, "I love you." I said, "Alright. I'll talk to you later."

I seriously don't think H would do anything drastic, but at times he really makes me worry. He has never acted in any way to make me think he would even consider taking drastic measures, so I'm just wondering if this may be his way (intentional or not) to get any reassurance from me. When he's acted this way in the past, all he ever wanted to hear me say was that everything would be ok. If he should ask for this, should I give it to him? Or should I tell him that I am just as unsure about things as he is?

[NYsurvivor]

should I tell him that I am just as unsure about things as he is?

Well, we don't really know just how unsure he is. You'll probably be the last one to know. I think you're non-responses of "OK" and "Alright. I'll talk to you later" to his "ILYs" is right on target. Maybe not return a couple of calls of his again.

Are you guys still in the same house together? I get the impression you're not. I'd start thinking of ways you can subtly, very subtly, not directly!, hint at or encourage having him be part of your home life while you stay detached and cool, allowing him to bring himself closer. For example, you might ask him, "What are you doing for dinner?" (I can already hear H saying, "Why? Do you want me to come for dinner?" and you saying, "If you like") and it could be that if you just subtly encourage things like that to happen, but keep back, he'll take the initiative to slowly move back in to the relationship like a cautious street cat coming to feed out of your hand. Maybe. But you know if he does, you've got to both work hard at getting rid of whatever it was that was problematic in the relationship!

[ValerieA]

Just went looking back in my thread, and I didn't mention it. Yes, we are still living together. When I found out about the A (about 4 weeks ago), I told him to get out. H complained he had nowhere to go. I told him that wasn't my problem, but for that night, I would go stay at my parents' house (they were away) with the kids, so he'd better find a place to stay in the next 24 hours because I would return. When I came back, H said he wanted to stay together and work things out. After much discussion, I agreed.

One week later, when I found out H was still having contact with OW and confronted him about it, he said, "I can't do this. I love you, but I'm not in love with you anymore. I've felt this way for a long time but never knew how to tell you. I never wanted to hurt you or see you cry. I was prepared to just keep my mouth shut for the rest of my life with you no matter how unhappy I was. I just want to move on, and you won't let me. I don't want to deal with this anymore, I'm sorry. I want a divorce." He proceeded to tell me that the boys and I could remain in the house, and he would continue to pay for everything - the mortgage, car, utilities, etc. After he was done talking, I said ok and that I was going to look into getting an attorney so I can be sure everything will be covered. H seemed shocked! "Didn't I just tell you that I would still pay for everything so you don't have to worry about going back to work?!" I told him I heard him, but I wanted to get everything he was willing to do down in legal writing. This way, I wouldn't have to make a call or wait for him to call me to let me know that "the check's in the mail". After that comment, H got very defensive saying things like, "You don't want me to get a lawyer 'cuz all it's gonna do is hurt you, but if that's what you want, fine." Then H left for work.

When he returned from work that night, and after the kids were in bed, H began to say he was so sorry, and he didn't mean what he said. He really didn't want a D. He really wanted to work things out for the kids' sake. He can't just throw away 12 years like that. So, again, we decided we would try.

When I've had the time to look back to see what the problem (or problems) might have been, I think part of it was that I never thanked him enough or showed enough appreciation for all that he has done for our family, and I think I could have been more affectionate with him also. Those are the things that I have come to realize. I wasn't cold, but I could have done more. H hasn't said a word to me about what was making him so unhappy for all that time, so I don't know if there's something else I'm missing.

A BIG part of our problem for me is the lack of time we spend together. H's job involves a lot of traveling, and I mean a lot! He goes to WA, OR, AZ, TX, and around here in CA. He can be gone for as little as 3 days or as much as 2 1/2 weeks! When he's home, I'm lucky if he's here for 5 days in a row. He's had this job for nearly 2 years, and he's now looking for a different job. He realizes he needs to be around more. The kids miss him and are always asking when is Dad coming home. He had taken the test for PG&E about 3 weeks ago and received a letter in the mail letting him know that he passed. PG&E will keep him on file for 1 year and notify him if any openings become available. He just took another test for employment at an oil refinery last week. He has yet to hear from them.

So, this is where we stand. I am hoping he gets a new job. I strongly feel that if he is around more, things may get better for us. I'll continue to show him more appreciation. Showing affection, hmmm. Not so sure about that. I do still love him very dearly, and there is nothing more that I want other than to be in his arms again, feeling the love he once had for me. But I'm trying to distance myself a bit. Not too much, but just a bit.

Thanks for listening.

[NYsurvivor]

when I found out H was still having contact with OW and confronted him about it, he said...I want a divorce."... H began to say he was so sorry, and he didn't mean what he said. He really didn't want a D.

It would look like his threat of a divorce was as false bravado, and when you called his bluff, he backed down.

You guys should be reconciliated by Monday morning the latest, really, you know?

OK, I'm going to go out on a limb and assess this, against my better judgment about making assumptions and everything, and say it again:

He wants back in, he's afraid he's losing you, he doesn't want to lose you, but he's lost his way. He doesn't know just how to take losing face and come back. Maybe that's what he's confused about. That's the sense I get about him, but I could be really wrong. But that's why I was saying don't be enthusiastic toward him, but reserved and yet encourage him subtly in order for him to be able to see how to guide and ease his way back in without losing face, because I think he needs that from you. He needs to feel comfortable drawing closer to you. Everything I wrote about how it's like a street cat cautiously approaching the food in your hand, the animal hesitant but wanting to walk into the cage, that's how I get the sense he feels. The key is that HE'S got to feel comfortable drawing closer. You keep your nose in the newspaper and tell him dinner's in the oven. Then let him sit down at the table with you and eat, and get comfortable eating with you nearby, you know what I mean? I may be totally wrong, but do you want to give that approach a try until Monday morning?

[ValerieA]

I do believe you hit the mark, NY. In fact, H told me last night when we were talking that he was afraid he would lose me for good if we got a D. He said, "Everything is so final with you [hey, another problem there?], and if we D and in a month or so, I realize I made the biggest mistake, I may never be able to get you back again."

He called earlier this afternoon and left a message saying, "Just wanted to see what you were up to. I miss you. I miss us."

I'm trying to be strong, but it's getting so very hard right now, you know? H called again while I was taking S9 to Tae Kwon Do. He was telling me, again, "ILY. Give the kids a kiss and hug for me. Give yourself a nice kiss from me, too. I miss you. ILY."

I'm actually crying right now. I haven't cried in at least 6 days. Every time he says "ILY" or "IMY", it's killing me inside. Here I am, trying to fight the urge to say it back, and he just keeps tugging at my heart.

I just don't get it. He wants to stay, he wants to go, he wants to stay, and now he's not sure. I'm not sure if he is still talking to OW or not. I wonder if they are, is she telling him he deserves to be happy, and saying it in a way to benefit herself? H has always been pretty decisive. Once he made up his mind, that was it. But in this case, it seems almost like a tug-of-war. He pulls for me, he pulls for her, and so on, and so on.

I agree. Monday should be the day. Speaking of which, how should I act when he gets home? After all the "ILY's" and "IMY's", what if he wants an intimate embrace/kiss when he walks in the door? I'm not sure how I feel about that.