Today I have the willingness to release myself from the pat and give myself the gift of comprehending all that exists in my present.
I am tired of being mired in the past, running my every experience through the old damaged notions that seemed to have gotten stamped on every cell in my body. I am tired of using misinformation as if it was truth and recreating over and over for myself the same result. I am tired to the bone and yet when I try to escape this alone, I sense my efforts are useless.
I believe that a power greater than myself can release me from the bondage of my past. I ask this higher power to help me now find the truth of my present. It feels unfamiliar to stop the movie of my past from running in the background and encounter silence in its place. But I practice learning to sit still with the quiet. Gradually, I awaken to what is here in my present. I let myself know it is enough. I am well when I let myself be.
I just want to do some journaling to get this out of my head!! Ok, I havent been doing so well since H said "I still dont have those feelings for you and DONT want to hug and kiss you." He said the same thing the end of January too.
Just when I think we are doing well, moving forward, he does this. It just plain SUCKS! This whole week I have been wondering how long he just plans to stay here, with me, if he feels that way? Is he just taking advantage of me and all that I do for him? Or is he really working on this marriage and hoping those feelings will come back too? I know that there are no guarantees, but its kind of scary. Just what is he doing? He did say he is trying, because I asked him to....well, why not because he wants to? Will he ever come to the realization that those "feelings" he wants back are probably not going to come back? I guess if I am having reservations and fears, it could very well be that he has some too. His fears might be that my 180's will not last. I think I am still surprising him with them, so he might be a little unsure about them.
Well, just needed to get that off my mind, so now I can go on DBing and focusing on the future, whether it be our future or my future!
Seriously, why am I wanting to stay here with someone who doesnt really want to be with me??
Ok, here's what happened...H cousin called to see if he's going to their cousins graduation in couple of weeks. When he got off phone I asked who it was and what they wanted, thats when he told me about the graduation. Well, then I replied, "cool, am I invited?" to which he replied, "I dont know"....thanks for that!!
He never includes me in any part of his social life. Its like he is telling them a different story than he is telling me. I have no idea what he has told them, but maybe its that he is not happy and that is because of me, so thats why he never invites me along.
Its like its ok if its just the two of us, but we never do any couple things or "social" things together. For one all his so called friends are all single!!! Doesnt really help us out too much!!!
So, after he said "I dont know" I withdrew and he knew it, but after the last week, I could hardly hold back a cry. In fact I went into the bathroom to cry a little. When I came back out, he asked what was wrong and I said nothing. He said you might as well just tell me..and I said, its just dumb and he said, yes it is. Nice.. Then I said "what am I upset about then?" and he said, "because of what I said about you going to the graduation. And that was that...nothing more said...but I so badly wanted to say, "I just want to be with someone who wants me to be wtih them and spend time with them and their friends" But I didnt....
But I am seriously wondering what I am doing still staying with him. I am tired of being treated like I dont matter! What if I am just a roommate to him..one who he gets to have sex with whenever? How long can I handle just being his roommate? Sometimes I wish he would have moved out way back when...maybe then he might have realized just what he would be giving up. Like a friend of mine said, he seems to miss me when Im gone, but when Im here, he could care less!!
You might want to say, well, what about all the positives I have been posting...well, they are nothing more than what a roommate would do for me, right??
I am so confused right now..I just want to cry and cry and cry, but what would that do? Make him feel bad?? Woopee..he would probably just get mad instead! If he is pretending, how can I know...am I just supposed to go on kissing his a@@?? While getting nothing in return?? Im tired of hurting, Im tired of trying, Im tired of being treated like Im not worth anything to him!!!!
Any fellow DBer's with some advice? Seriously, what should I do? Before I was DBing because of OW, now what I start all over because he says "INILWY"?
Not that I want my H to change, but there are somethings that NEED to change because its part of being married. I think my H wants to be married, but wants to keep me on a long string ...far enough away so that he doesnt have to feel bad about trying to be "single" too. What I mean by that is by having a single social life. NEVER including me!
I just want to do something to hurt him like he's hurt me. I know, bad karma and not good to even be thinking, but I am tired of him not respecting my feelings when it comes to this. Any man in this world would be so lucky to be treated as well as I treat him. Is it my codependency that is letting him treat me badly? And if it is, how do I stop it? How can I put my foot down w/out issuing an ultimatum?
H moved me 2 states away from all my friends and family and now, he has a social life, because he went to college out her once, but I have no one. We have only been here 4 years and I work from my home, so not much of a chance of meeting new people. I have couple friends out here, but they dont usually want to do anything. I am a very social person, I love to go out, have some drinks, go dancing...but here, I never get to do that and yea, it makes me unhappy.
So do I just sit back and wait? What should I do?? I wake up in the morning and just want to cry! Its just like it was a year ago, when the affair was going on!!
I guess after all of that I could try to post some positives: 1. H tried to lighten the mood after our little disagreement by joking around with me. 2. H and I went to see Amytiville...I held his arm because it was so intense and he had his hand on my leg. 3. H helped me work on softball shirts. 4. H did lots of cleaning around house to help me and right when I asked him to.
So those should make me feel better, right? Not sure they do, because like I said, could be just the "roommate" stuff he's doing.
Sorry to be such a bummer...I just dont know how to get out of this slump!! Wish I could go away for a week!!!
I think I mentioned to you that I had similar interactions with my h after ow seemed long gone...each time it was after I had pushed for more or expressed the notion that he wasn't doing enough.
So, yes, you can certainly jump back on the DB wagon...go back to what worked when you first started, keep focusing on positives, maybe even focus on speaking his ll loud and clear. all of that is good stuff and a great way to break out of the rut.
The other option (still db centric) is to just lay low for a bit...iow, "do nothing" -- take a break for yourself, rejuvenate, do good stuff for yourself...the KEY to that time, though, is to "do no harm" -- don't freak out on h or pull back particularly or try to hurt him...just lay low for a bit while you get your energy back.
It takes time, time, time and then more time. But you already know that.!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Sage, thanks for the reply...you always manage to make me feel better and feel that I can go on and keep DBing!
TIME...yes, it will take time. And its when my H does the little things that he does that make realize that I can give him the time he needs.
Positives from weekend: 1. H made supper for me when I was down. 2. H comforted me and helped care for my toe when I stubbed it REALLY bad! 3. H rubbed my arm after ML (he NEVER does this). 4. H got phone call after ML, but didnt answer it, instead just stayed with me for a while... 5. H is not pulling away when I do kiss him on cheek or forehead.
There has to be some groups you could join to get to meet people. Could you take the kids out to story time at the library? Or is there a mom's group that gets together at the local McD's or park. I know they're not your kids, but in a way they are. Are there any other daycare prviders in the area that you could get together with at the park or something?
I only suggest these things because the friends I've met here have made the world of difference for me. When we were still in MN, I was so involved with kids that I never got out, never made any real friends, and there was just a big piece of me that was shut down.
I know that, with your job, you can't just pick up and leave when you want to, but you deserve to have time away when you need it. Hey, do you have any girlfriends who would come stay with you next time H is away? Or anytime for that matter? That would be fun. Heck, I would come to visit if it wasn't so far away. Maybe this summer....
Hang in there. There are a lot of positives. Keep looking for them. Love Ya, Me
Each experience in life has formed me, become part of me, made me stronger.
don't know if you remember me, I haven't posted since christmas time. I am actually experiencing a lot of the feelings you are right now. I am actually seriously contemplating moving out (separating for real). In order for me to GAL and for H to stop cake eating. I also feel like I am going around in circles. I will try to catch up on your posts and maybe post some advice. I will also try to post an update to my own sitch later. Take care.
Just dropping in. Wow the similarities are so eerie. How does this happen? I guess that is a question that is irrelevent since it has and we are here. You are getting good adivce from what I see. I cannot fathom doing this for 1 whole year. But I feel there is no timeline in this process.
I really liked your positives you found. I am going to try and do the same. Focus on what is going right not wrong.
Good luck and great strength wished to you!
Through honest giving of my love I will recieve 10 fold in return.
Just because a person does not love you in the way you want, does not mean they do not love you!
Then I said "what am I upset about then?" and he said, "because of what I said about you going to the graduation. And that was that...nothing more said...but I so badly wanted to say, "I just want to be with someone who wants me to be wtih them and spend time with them and their friends" But I didnt....
