We are very apt to travel in the direction we are headed. Even the brightest of sunshiny days appears overcast if we wear black glasses.
If we enter a restaurant by the rear door we will undoubtedly find garbage cans, smoked and grimy walls and hear the discord of pots and pans. If we enter by the front door we will find cleanliness and order.
Just having a hard day today...so thought maybe to put out a timeline and put down some goals for my M would help me to SEE us moving forward when I feel like we are stuck!
I am still having some troubles with the affection part. I just feel like my H doesnt want to give it to ME...but that he needs it. For example...this morning, before H left for work, I said, "I would like to give you a hug"...then he went to one of the daycare kids I have here (his favorite) and asked him for a hug. I was hurt...cuz then I still had to say, "what about me" and he sort of hugged me back. So, I know he wants affection, but not from me?????????????????
Ok, so here is the timeline of our mess....Sept 03 H says hes not happy...March 04-H tells me NILWY...April 05- starts EA with old high school friend...Sept 04 - breaks off EA...but still in touch (I think) Seems to be wanting our M to work...Jan 05- H tells mom he still is not in love with me, isnt sure it will work...Jan 05- takes trip to Vegas for guys weekend (where OW lives) comes back all lovey...March 05- another trip to Vegas- seems even more involved in our M by letting me get closer to him in some ways...doing more things with me....planning future things...going on trip with mutual friends... which brings us to today....
Ok, so...in all actuality, he has really only been feeling that our M will work and that he does have feelings for me for approximately 2 months in the past 6 since affair ended. Oh yes, and how do I know this?? Well, not from communicating!! Bad, bad me!!
Ok, so my goals for our M: 1. To be able to communicate my needs for affection to my H 2. To have my H try to fulfill my needs for affection 3. For my H to initiate feelings/actions of "love" for me 4. For both of us to start opening up more about our hopes for the future 5. To talk about the possibility of having children 6. For my H to be open and honest about his feelings 7. For me not to have so many expectations for affection..knowing that it is a hard thing for him to show.
I guess for now those are the main things I think we need to work on...
If there is anyone out there that might be having the same problems with the affection part of their marriage and has any suggestions...I would greatly appreciate it!
Ok...yesterday I woke up feeling all anxious..probably due to this trip.(He's going to MN to visit friend) Seems like he is taking lots of trips lately...all without me...
Lets see...some of the good things that have happened that show me he does want to make this work: I am less afraid to talk to him or ask him questions about what he is doing or what his plans are. He is opening up to me much more.
Wed. night I asked if we could go out to eat on Thurs and then maybe watch some TV together since he would be gone all weekend. He said yes and we did...we went out to eat to which we had a VERY good conversation about lots of things, like his plans for the weekend, when we go home in the next couple months...we talked reasonably and I told him how I felt about him coming to see my family and that I was willing to compromise...but thought it would be nice of him to come see my family. All in all...some good, calm, feeling conversation. Then we came home and he did have lots to do to get ready for trip, but made an effort to come and sit with me every once in a while. Then he said he was going to go shoot some hoops..I asked if I could come too and he said yes.(Mental note: goal..for HIM to invite me to do these things instead of me inviting myself along) We had a good time....laughing...felt so connected. Then we came in and got ready for bed. I started kissing him..real intimately...for long time....it was so nice..like when we were first dating! His hands just caressed my body instead of going directly to my "hot spots" so that was nice too. So, I guess all in all..it was a good nite..one for H to remember and realize how happy we are.
I want to start letting him know my needs or concerns in our marriage and so have to pick one out that I want to express to him and get it ready...hmmmm..first I want to express how important it is for us to spend quality time together....try for at least 10hrs a week. We were doing so well with that and now I can tell we are falling behind on keeping our quality time up there. So, that is my goal for next week...make a list of things for us to do together and put up so H can see!
I'm not so amazed at him as I am at you. How do YOU get that old feeling again? I have a hard time imagining feeling that way about H again.
I guess the difference is that your H never left, never had a PA. H asks me if I could imagine having a life together again. I don't want to scare him off with my gut feeling right now. He still hasn't done the one thing that would really matter.
Or, should it not matter if he hasn't broken it off with OW? If I was going to feel THAT way again, would I jump his bones even if he's in a hurry to catch his 9pm phone call from her?
Is the brain the most powerful sex organ and I just have to make up my mind to want to ML with him again?
I know, lots of questions, but between you and sage, I should get some great answers.
Mel
Each experience in life has formed me, become part of me, made me stronger.
Quote: I just want to know how you got to where you are today after everything and how much your H worked on bringing back the M and how you got him to do that....
Well, honestly, we recovered our m with the liberal use of DB'ing (me) and lots of luck (both of us). h worked extremely hard on the M but in his own (wonderful, but sometimes unrecognizable!) way. IOW, we never went to MC (well, after the fateful first time when he told me and the MC he didn't know if he wanted to be married and the MC told us that he couldn't help us then ), he never read any books (to my knowledge) and we rarely, rarely talked about our R. He never said "I want to work on this marriage" (which is something lots of LBSes on the board seem to be waiting to hear) but he did work on it.
I embraced DB'ing like it was a long, lost child and used goals and 180s with intensity. I also have the KLA tapes which drummed the concepts into my head again and again and used other books ("men are from mars, women are from venus", "the five love languages", lots of books on listening, lots of books on forgiveness) to supplement Michele's program.
Doing lots and lots of "what works" (quality time, hiking, hanging out, movies, dinner, quiet times, chatting about fun stuff, etc) got us lots of good feelings between us. Doing hardly any of what doesn't work for us (big old R talks, assigning blame, etc) also helped too. There were many times when I got stuck in cheeseless tunnels thinking "we SHOULD be able to have R talks!" and nearly lost it...you know what? our R talks last 2 minutes at a time, are not done in an angry state, and can take weeks to finish...that's what works well for us.
You mention in your post:
Quote: first I want to express how important it is for us to spend quality time together....try for at least 10hrs a week.
-- will TELLING h this work for you guys? If it does, cool, if not, what if you just made some plans to hang out together? In my sitch, TELLING h it was important for us to do XYZ would have made him feel controlled and would have left me feeling let down. YMMV.
Other stuff that really helped...posting three positives a day, trying to meet h's LL when I was feeling down or needing reassurance, and all the stuff in my signature line...when I keep those things in mind, well, things go well.
Have you reread DR recently? That's always a good place to start, too.
Did this help? or did you have specific questions?
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quote: H asks me if I could imagine having a life together again.
it's a wonderful question that your h has asked...shows real hope, don't you think?
But, maybe you guys are biting off more than you can chew right now with thoughts of "a life together" or "ML" -- I just heard this on the KLA tapes this am so it's fresh in my mind...Michele asks "what would be the first sign that you were moving towards a life together again?" or "ML again"?
I don't know a lot about your sitch so maybe my comments are off base...but what about spending a great day together or getting comfortable holding hands or kissing, etc....instead of going for the big prize right now?
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
So, I know he wants affection, but not from me????????????????? 
), he never read any books (to my knowledge) and we rarely, rarely talked about our R. He never said "I want to work on this marriage" (which is something lots of LBSes on the board seem to be waiting to hear) but he did work on it.
and used goals and 180s with intensity. I also have the KLA tapes which drummed the concepts into my head again and again and used other books ("men are from mars, women are from venus", "the five love languages", lots of books on listening, lots of books on forgiveness) to supplement Michele's program.