I think I may have been locked out. Couldn't reply on my old thread. Heard alot about being locked out on the board, never really sure what it meant. Now I do.
Last night and today so far have been pretty good.
H is acting "normal" talking, joking. Not going to question it, just go with the flow for now.
I am cleaning up the kitchen and he comes in and asks have you done any Valentine's shopping? I just looked at him for a moment. I was shocked and speechless. Where did that come from? Well, I recovered and said, I got the kids their cards for school. Pause here, then. Is that what you mean? Another pause. I finally said, I didn't figure we were going to buy each other anything. No comment from him. I guess he didn't want to be presentless if I had gotten him something. I know there is not a desire for him to buy me anything romantic at this point. Not going to pretend either. I have no expectations for Valentine's Day.
I did buy him a silly card I will leave for him tomorrow. I did not tell him this though. My birthday was in December. He bought me some presents and a card. The card was very disappointing and hurt. I don't want that again. Mine is just silly and to make him smile. I don't want him to be force to buy me something even a card if he doesn't want to. I will know and it will hurt.
So...I am working on putting H and ow out of my head for tomorrow. I want to ask what did you get ow. I am working on not doing that, though.
I wish I could just skip tomorrow. Unfortunately, I will have 20 little first graders with me tomorrow who will be all excited about Vday and talking about it. So putting the day out of my head is impossible. Will work on putting ow and H out of my head.
I too often wanted to say snide comments about H and OW...I actually never did fall prey to that. I would ask when we were having serious conversations if presents were bought, but I actually never did say anything snide. It would be unproductive, because I am sure she does not ask what he buys me. I was disappointed on Friday when I came home and H left a valentine card and candy for our daughter. I really thought he would buy a card, especially since we had the talk we did that morning and him telling me he loved me...Whatever, that was to make himself feel better before going off to cheat I guess.
Fight your urges to make comments. They dont help. It just validates their feelings about your R... It sucks that you have to walk on eggshells and act according to H's moood, but right now it is the only way to get through it.
Tomorrow, Valentine's Day with the school kids, will be a Valentine's Day for them, how about that?
It's not really any day of significance. Nothing changes on that day. Somebody decided to make it a holy day, and everybody followed like lemmings and like the game of "telephone", it got added to and changed down through the centuries, to the day restaurants charge extra for dinners and roses cost three times their regular price and Hallmark makes a little killing.
What then would be the most significant day of one's life, do you think? The day one gets married? The day one gets divorced? The day one's mother dies? The day one gets sent to prison? The day one gets released from prison? The day one graduated college? The day one learns they have a limited time left to live? The day one decides to become a better person? Or just yesterday?
I say, the most significant day in your life, is the day you die. It's in that day, that we see how you lived your entire life, through all the days deemed important or not, and the legacy you have left behind.
Why make non-significant days prominent, and buy into that Valentine's Day stuff?
Because, right now, in this time and space, Valentine's Day is just another reminder of our loss. Loss of trust, loss of security, loss of our best friend, our best supporter and loss of the feeling that on this day, and many others, every other year, we knew exactly what to do to show this person how much we loved them.
Each experience in life has formed me, become part of me, made me stronger.
Mellanie, what you say is so true and I guess that is why it is so hard.
Well, screwed up Sunday evening. So much for detaching. Don't need any comments--I know, I shouldn't have. Already beat myself up for it.
He said he was going to get a haircut, I jokingly said, you taking S. He said he doesn't need a haircut. Then he said you were gone for 6 hours yesterday (ha-- he noticed how long I was gone-LOL). Well, that just rubbed me the wrong way (right now I can blame it on raging hormones) So, I said, and did you have a knot in your stomach and worry about who I was with or talking to... Well, of course, he got mad. After he calmed down, we had a one-sided R talk (short with me trying to explain why - I know --useless)
He left for his haircut. He actually called while there and said he was next in line. Then he called said he was at the store did we need anything. He is talking, acting normal on the phone, then one of the kids say daddy's home. So while I am on the phone I look out the window and he is home. He used to do stuff like that all the time.
He comes home acting very upbeat, happy. I am not ready for this. So i just try to ignore him. He actually tries to comfort me when he saw me cry ( I was trying to hide it from him). He asked what was wrong later when I was holding my head. Said headache, he asked where and kissed it. Helped me with laundry without me asking. Helped with D's shower. Watched boston legal with me. We like it, but usually after a fight we watch tv in separate rooms.
I know I shouldn't try to figure this out. But.... What is going on??????? I did pray while he was gone. So I am going to say it was God and not guilt or that he talked to ow while gone.
People assign meaning to things and dates. Things are what you mean them to be. Valentine's Day could also just be a regular Tuesday, February 14th. Assigning more to it then that, especially given our situations, is needless administration of more hurt.
C'mon. People making an outward show of how much they love their partner is all VDay is about, and has not much to do with actually loving your partner every day, as if all the other days are somehow not as significant to be loving. If tomorrow the world decided that March 1st was the day to celebrate romance and no longer February 14th, would we all of sudden attribute more than a fair share of our grief to that March 1st date and no longer to Feb. 14th?
Hey, in case you think I'm beating you up in my posts, I'm not. I'm trying to be strong for you and help pull you out of the mire of emotions/actions that are giving you pain, just as others have done for me. It also helps me to help others. That's what this site's about.
So don't dwell on today, put your focus back on you and what you can do to make your world happier today!
I don't think you are beating up on me or anyone. I know you are trying to help. Most of the time (lol) your advice is good and right on the mark.
Sometimes we need to hear the cold hard facts because unfortunately, one of our screw ups may be the big one that we cant change. So we need to do what is hard and not natural to us.
It sounds to me like H is having days where he knows that he wants you (the upbeat behavior, doing things like he used to) and then days when he thinks he wants her. Believe me, I saw that alot with my H. There were days that were right, then the next day be completely off and I did nothing to provoke it. Keep doing what you are doing, you are doing fine. It is hard, I know, believe me...But you are doing ok.
Take the days that H is acting like the old loveable H and run with it...Maybe you can stretch those moments out to days, even weeks, and then maybe he will see life is great with you and the family you have built.
But lets start with making it last more than a day. lets not bite off more than we can chew...LOL
I know we are not supposed to take stock in Vday but when you have 20 little 7 year olds giving you gifts and so excited it is hard to put it out of your head. I focused on them but they are gone. Dont want to go out with just the kids tonight, that would just be too depressing. H has grade input to do, timing sucks for that, needs to stay late at work to do it. Trying not to let mind wander or think about it. Just another day, right.
H liked his card. Emailed me to thank me and tacked on thought you didn't buy me anything. Just explained, saw the card liked it. Didn't want you to feel obligated to buy me card. I did stop emailing him first today. He emailed twice I responded to which he responded and then I didn't. Yea for me.
Thanks for stopping by my thread. Pat youself on the back. You helped all those little ones enjoy V day under very difficult circumstances for yourself. Sounds like they have a great teacher....
You made it through and it sounds like some postive interactions between you and H. Good job.
He emailed twice I responded to which he responded and then I didn't. Yea for me.