Thanks for writing again. I just went to the library and got the books. I'm looking forward to reading them. I've already read about the 180. I've been trying to apply some of the principles. Not an easy thing for me. I'm not the indifferent type.
You ask what needs his affairs met. I believe they met his need for admiration, newness, adventure. H loves the highs of infactuation. He lives life on the edge... racing motorcycles, pushing business to the limit and so forth. He does not like the normal everyday regularity of life.
Actually, marriage just doesn't seem to suit his personality. I think he'd do well to have a new woman in his life every two to three years. Yikes! Is there really much I can do to meet this "need"?
As far as how his attitude was toward life, he was on an incredible high at first but then eventually he came down and fluctuated between highs and real lows. At this point, H seems more down than up. But he is one who is constantly changing. He is very inconsistent by nature, so life is a big guessing game with him.
If I had to bet on it at this pt. in time, I would guess he is being faithful. But I've been wrong before. Only he and God know the truth of where he is.
Hope wrote: -------------- Actually, marriage just doesn't seem to suit his personality. I think he'd do well to have a new woman in his life every two to three years. Yikes! Is there really much I can do to meet this "need"? --------------
Of course there are ways to meet his needs. I am sure that there are people out there that 'need' extramarital relationships, but that would be a character issue better suited to divorce lawyers and psychiatrists.
It sounds like your husband is a 'thrill seeker'. He likes to 'conquer' a new woman every once in a while, and once he has 'won', he is ready to move on.
If that is the case, then loving distance is the very thing you must practice, and likely will be the hardest thing for you to do.
Once you have your husbands attention, I strongly suggest that you get him to read SSM, and get him to commit to some serious counseling. I am concerned that unless he addresses his issues, you will be left wanting yet again.
It sounds like you have a good grasp of the Dobson book. How have you done at implementing the principles outlined in the book?
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Quote: LL wrote: --------------- it would be natural to assume "someone else" but let's not jump to conclusions...it is after all possible that there is not currently another person but perhaps he has engulfed himself in other things. ---------------
I wasn't jumping to conclusions. Her husband has cheated before, possibly multiple times. Therefore, he is very likely to do it again.
Yes his track record doesn't prove to be promising BUT there is always the possibility that another person isn't the problem right now.
My reading recommendations were geared to help provide Hope with some enforceable boundaries, and equip her with the resources to address the shortcomings in her marriage, including the lack of sex.
and that's an excellent idea
I don't see where you would think that my logic and reasoning was flawed, LL. If you see something that I missed, I would appreciate you telling me what it was.
the only thing I can see that you may have missed is the fact that you (or I for that matter) don't personally know hope or her h and sometimes all it takes is another party speculating (even if justifiably so) a third parties involvement to make things worse instead of better. Now Hope may (or may not be) in a state of denial regarding her h's current level of fidelity but I never feel it's a good idea to make that assumption unless there is concrete evidence suggesting so. Why not? because as I mentioned it can be detrimental to the way in wich the party seeking "help" handles things (having read great books on how to deal with it or not) it can become the equivelant of "well meaning friends and family" as mentioned in Michelles divorce busting/remedy books.
Yes, I believe that "loving-distance" is exactly what I need to do. And,I also agree with your assumption that it would likely be very difficult for me to do. It goes against my personality to say the least. I tend to be very responsive and affectionate by nature.
Another thing about doing this is that it always works while I'm "acting lovingly disinterested" but as soon as I become "me" again, he's gone. It's as if I can't be who I truly am and still gain his affection. It's like life is one big game with him. I'm not really sure I want to live my life this way.
I want to be happy and I want to be married. I'm just not sure if it's possible to be both in this relationship.
You ask how successful I've been with implementing Dobson's principles. Overall, I'm a much stronger lady than I once was. I still have my moments of "weakness" when I sucumb to asking for H attention. This doesn't happen very often any more. I've experienced enough rejection, that I think I've finally had it beat into my head to NOT go there.
Thanks Nopkins for your willingness to help me. I appreciate your thoughts and suggestions. I'm enjoying the book. It enforces a lot of what I'm currently attempting to do. Thanks for the encouragement to read it.
Hi Lostlove,
I realize with husbands track record, infidelity is ALWAYS a possibility. Although I don't think so at the time, I wouldn't be surprised either. I don't think there is any denial going on here and if there is please feel free to point it out. I guess I'm tired of living my life always wondering if there is another.
I decided a while back to live "as if" there is no one else, until given good reason to know there is someone else. Otherwise recovery is impossible. Trust can never be built with someone who is forever questioning and accusitory in nature. It took me a long time to get to this point. Hopefully, I've achieved the balance of recognizing the very real possibility but living without the preoccupation of it. Thanks for your input.
Quote: I decided a while back to live "as if" there is no one else, until given good reason to know there is someone else. Otherwise recovery is impossible. Trust can never be built with someone who is forever questioning and accusitory in nature. It took me a long time to get to this point. Hopefully, I've achieved the balance of recognizing the very real possibility but living without the preoccupation of it. Thanks for your input.
Hey Hope,
I don't think there is a denial going on in your sit either (if you were seeing concrete evidence then that would be another story).
Your above comments are exactly why I origianly said "let's not jump to conclusions" when Nopkins expressed his thought that your h IS likely involved with someone now.
quote: ----------------- Your above comments are exactly why I origianly said "let's not jump to conclusions" when Nopkins expressed his thought that your h IS likely involved with someone now. -----------------
So that everyone can be 'right', I will tell you why I 'assume' the worst.
I assume the worst because it provides ME a base to provide my limited amateur counsel from. In the case of a relationship where there has been multiple unresolved affairs, the likelihood of an ongoing affair is quite high. This is statistically factual.
Repairing a relationship with a partner that is currently in an affair, or has recently ended an affair, or has multiple unresolved issues with affairs is very difficult, as you well know from your own situation. MY approach, in dealing with this kind of situation, is to assume continuation of an affair. The principles used in that construct seem best suited to resolve issues in the aforementioned situation.
I suggest that we bury our difference of opinion on approach to aid, and see if we can help this fine person deal with her situation.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
quote: ----------------- Your above comments are exactly why I origianly said "let's not jump to conclusions" when Nopkins expressed his thought that your h IS likely involved with someone now. -----------------
So that everyone can be 'right', I will tell you why I 'assume' the worst.
I don't want to be "right" I just want to be helpful
I assume the worst because it provides ME a base to provide my limited amateur counsel from. In the case of a relationship where there has been multiple unresolved affairs, the likelihood of an ongoing affair is quite high. This is statistically factual.
No argument from me there
Repairing a relationship with a partner that is currently in an affair, or has recently ended an affair, or has multiple unresolved issues with affairs is very difficult, as you well know from your own situation.
Yes, I do understand from my own sit and perhaps that is why I don't wish to lead anyone else into believing something that may be untrue...let's not forget that though we are real people here we are just words on a computer screen...we don't know how another person is going to react to our assumptions...what if soley based on your stating that in your opinion a persons partner is involved in an A results in extra undue stress, turmoil etc?
MY approach, in dealing with this kind of situation, is to assume continuation of an affair. The principles used in that construct seem best suited to resolve issues in the aforementioned situation.
I suggest that we bury our difference of opinion on approach to aid, and see if we can help this fine person deal with her situation.
I have no problem with your opinion I was just offering another one (the possibility that there is no op at this time)
I read just enough on another thread with your history, that I have to ask... How did things change with Mrs. Nops?
Maybe I'd get the answer if I read more. It seems like she was emotionally willing...there were just other issues? I'll have to go back and read some more.
So other than being lovingly removed, any thing else you can think to suggest?
LOSTLOVE,
I don't know all your story but I found it interesting that you were one of the first to respond to Nopkins. I guess you both go back aways. Are you with your husband now? I'll have to go back to the old threads and see if I can figure out how the story ends.
MrsNOP and I are fully recovered and having a great life together (she also reads and posts here). Please continue reading, maybe there is something you can use among all the floundering missteps.
I will get back with you later with some ideas.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
