I've just started reading here a few weeks ago and decided it was time to post. I really appreciate the many suggestions and encouragement I've found here. I'm hoping there might be some ideas for my situation.
We've been married 17 years. My H has been unfaithful in the past. We were separated twice when there were OW in his life. The last separation was nearly four years ago. To the best of my knowledge, there are no OW in his life currently. Other than... (In the past month, he has spent a lot of time with his assistant) BUT, the lack of sex has been here for over a year, so I don't think she is a factor.
We are both healthy and in our late 30's - early 40's. H has a very successful business. We have three wonderful girls. I still love H and would love to have an intimate, loving M. H SAYS he loves me and wants to be together.
BUT, he has shown no interest in me sexually for over a year now. I am still the same size 4/5 and am physically fit. I do not know of anything significant taking place this past year that would lead to this lack of interest.
I have communicated my concern and desire for love-making. When I've asked H about his lack of interest, he's given very vague, seemingly unfounded reasons.
One time he said I've hurt him in the past. When I asked what I did, he said he didn't want to say. He said I'm no longer doing whatever it was. He ususally says he doesn't know why things aren't working.
I've asked if there is something physically wrong, and he has answered a very confident NO. He says a counselor or Dr. is not necessary, that he's working through things on his own.
Obviously, this is so hurtful and frustrating. Any thoughts or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Were his affair(s) strongly physical or mostly emotional?
How was your sex life in the early years of your marriage?
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Thanks for the welcome Nopkins. In answer to your questions... His affairs were mostly emotional. In fact, they were long distance. He met one lady during business trips away.
As far as our sex life previously, I've always had a stronger sex drive than him. Usually, I've been the initiator.
There have been a few times when this was different. He went through periods of time when he would initiate, not just a few times a week, but even a few times a night. I'm still not sure what that was all about. But I sure did enjoy feeling desired.
Stating the obvious, he is getting something, emotionally, from the other relationships that he is not getting from you. Do you know what that might be?
To start with, I suggest you get the following books and study them, cover to cover.
The Divorce Remedy by Michele,
The Sex Starved Marriage by Michele
Love Must be Tough by Dr. James Dobson.
Read the Dobson book first.
From what you have written, I suspect that he is at least emotionally involved with someone else. Dobson's book is going to tell you how to deal with your situation from a position of strength. Michele's books are going to address the day to day issues in you and your marriage. After you read Dobson's book, read the Divorce Remedy, then The Sex Starved Marriage.
For now, keep the books to yourself. Don't share them with your husband. Try not to let him know you are reading them.
In the mean time, please fill us in on details regarding your relationship. A history of sorts.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Quote: (quoting Nopkins)From what you have written, I suspect that he is at least emotionally involved with someone else.
it would be natural to assume "someone else" but let's not jump to conclusions...it is after all possible that there is not currently another person but perhaps he has engulfed himself in other things.
Quote: (quoting Hope) he has shown no interest in me sexually for over a year now.
when you say he has shown "no" interest, do you litterally mean "NO" interest?
does he reject you when you initiate? does he initiate at all?
LL wrote: --------------- it would be natural to assume "someone else" but let's not jump to conclusions...it is after all possible that there is not currently another person but perhaps he has engulfed himself in other things. ---------------
I wasn't jumping to conclusions. Her husband has cheated before, possibly multiple times. Therefore, he is very likely to do it again.
My reading recommendations were geared to help provide Hope with some enforceable boundaries, and equip her with the resources to address the shortcomings in her marriage, including the lack of sex.
I don't see where you would think that my logic and reasoning was flawed, LL. If you see something that I missed, I would appreciate you telling me what it was.
Thanks, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Nopkins, Thank you for the book suggestions. I've already read Dobson's book, a couple of times. I've needed that from the start. Grin. I plan to go get Michel's books today. I've read most of her stuff she has posted here. She has some excellent strategies. I appreciate your recommendations.
As far as history, I'm not sure what type of info. would be helpful. I gave the basic synopsis of our M in my first post. I'm very open to any questions, so shoot away.
Basically, H chased me until we got engaged. Then once he had me, his interests turned elsewhere, career advancement, etc. That's very simplistic but it gives you a general idea of where I am. I've been trying to have a intimate, loving relationship since the beginning. I'm bone weary now. Still trying but barely hanging on...
Lostlove,
His interest may be in another or it may be his business. He is definitely a workaholic. He gets many kudos there. H requires MUCH affirmation. I try to give that as much as possible but it seems he doesn't respect my opinion enough to accept my praise.
You ask what no interest means... he has not initiated anything in a year. I've iniatiated and he has simply moved my hand, rolled over, said he was too tired and the list goes on.
We do give each other hugs and occasional quick "hello- goodbye" kisses. He just isn't very accepting of affection beyond that. Thanks for your help.
I've changed this title hoping to get more feedback. I'm very open to any suggestions or ideas.
CeMar,
In answer to your question about the Love Must Be Tough book, it basically discusses the necessity of having respect in any relationship.
It talks about the whole idea of not chasing after someone who is uninterested. It discusses the importance of treating yourself with the necessary amount of self- respect and not begging for another's affection. It deals with the idea that if you are strong in this way, it is attractive to the other person. People don't tend to be drawn to needy, desparate individuals. That's a very condensed version of what the book deals with. It is an excellent resourse.
I am still wondering what he got from the other relationship(s) emotionally.
What is the emotional need(s) that the affairs met, and ultimately, what did he get from it? What was his attitude toward life (not you) during the affair(s)? Provide as much detail as possible.
What is his attitude toward life now, and what is his attitude toward you now?
Compare your answers to the times when you knew he was involved with another woman.
Quote: -------------- Basically, H chased me until we got engaged. Then once he had me, his interests turned elsewhere, career advancement, etc. --------------
As soon as you get Michele's books, pay particular attention to the section on 'doing a 180". In the mean time, if you are being grabby/needy/touchy/feely with your husband, stop. Add some loving distance. Not mean, "I won't talk to you" distance, but 'loving disinterest'. Spouses, especially men, will run from 'needy' spouses.
I am sorry that you are having to deal with this.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
He ususally says he doesn't know why things aren't working. 
