I posted this on another thread. Thought it would be best to start my own thread.
I think of myself as HD. I WANT a sex life. I enjoy sex. I have an active fantasy life. My SO doesn't bring on those tingly feelings anymore. Sex is so natural and easy with the tingly feelings. "Just do it" didn't bring on more tingly feelings for me either. I want to and have blamed him for not producing those tingly feelings in me. Doesn't initiate right. Doesn't do what I want him to do. Isn't forceful or powerful enough. Asks too many questions.
I think he's in the same place I am. We both want to blame the other for not making us feel all tingly from the start. Not responding with enough enthusiasm. Not having enough desire for the other.
My SO and I would probably disagree over who is the HD one ! Neither one of us wants to stop having a sex life. We just both want to be the one who starts off with the tingly feelings. We both want to feel desire FIRST. We both resent possibly being someone who experiences desire after arousal. That wasn't the way it was in the beginning. We both started with desire. Maybe we don't experience the desire that might come after arousal because of the resentment over having to start without desire. We both want to be seduced more that do the seducing. We both want to be the one who is so attractive to the other that they can't keep help themselves. It's our similarities that are the problem not the differences!
Sex isn't the way we want it to be so it must be the other person's fault!
I've been reading and lurking for a bit now. Some of you are so interesting I've read your whole history! Taken some stuff to heart.
I sure would like some help. I want to get those tingly feelings back.
I think you are in a better position than many on this BB because your spouse and you are on the same page. I think IHJ's experience might be of interest to you since she went from being the LD partner to being the HD partner. She and her H have been successful in overcoming their difficulties by increasing the level of their intimacy. Have you spoken to your H about what you just posted here. I'm sure you would both greatly benefit from some of the intimacy exercises discussed in "Passionate Marriage" such as "eyes-open orgasm" or "holding until relaxed". Since you say you have an active fantasy life you might even benefit from trying to have phone sex as an exercise. My H and I were able to generate a fair amount of heat doing this when he was forced to travel.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Thanks, Jenny. I'll read IHJ's thread more carefully. The "holding til relaxed" is part of our problem...we get too relaxed too fast and fall asleep and miss another opportunity .
DR JL, How about a little more details. I can't tell if your are M or FM, how long were things good and why, why do you think things changed, activites that you once liked but do not do anymore, new things that seem to keep you from connecting, time you spend together doing things, children-his/hers/ours and so on.
Have you read
DR Divorce Remedy By Michele Weiner-Davis 2001
SSM The Sex Starved Marriage By Michele Weiner-Davis 2003
PM Passionate Marriage
DB Divorce Busting By Michele Weiner-Davis
The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. Dr. Laura Schlessinger, 2004
The Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman
Resurrecting Sex, by Ph. D. David Schnarch 2002
I found DR Divorce Remedy By Michele Weiner-Davis 2001, and this site the most useful because it tells you what not to do and then what might work is small steps. BTW, Do not look for monumental changes.
Thanks for your reply, OG_Lou. Lots of wonderful book suggestions. We're not anywhere close to divorce. I'm familiar with 5 love languages, sex-starved marriage. Not a fan of Dr. Laura. Not a fan of books that try to make all men alike and all women alike, not my experience with reality.
We are experiencing some sexual malaise. We're trying to figure out what to do about it. We are a good team otherwise. I don't just love my SO. I really like him. Have 4 children, two sets of twins (We're both twins ourselves. We were still surprised when they told us we were having twins. Second set was not such a surprise.) First two are 12 and second two are 7. Changes in sex life can probably be traced to the birth of the first set. The thought of a good night's sleep was more orgasmic for both of us than sex.
We run a business together. Maybe we see too much of each other. Most of our time seems to be taken up with business, children, running a household. We both recognize the need for some fun time just together. Haven't pulled it off yet. No affairs. No trauma beyond what is dealt most people.
Hi JL... My H and I are a lot alike too and when the initial luster/newness of the marriage faded we ran into difficulty. I was a sexual being but lost my attraction to him; after kids, I really just lost my sexual identity. Appearance-wise, I was always attracted to my H but somehow our personalities were not good in drawing each other out. Looking back, I think we both needed more assertive/aggressive, open partners. My desire returned at a point in my life when I felt the need for a closer relationship ( kids were getting bigger, I cut back at work, had some family stresses, was turning 4-0)...I found myself craving sex and intimacy again.
The things that helped the most were reading SSM and PM, posting here on the board, MC, and having a personality that is very persistent,lol.
Quote: Have 4 children, two sets of twins (We're both twins ourselves. We were still surprised when they told us we were having twins. Second set was not such a surprise.)
Do you live in Twinsburg?
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." Henry David Thoreau
Do the tingly feelings get stronger when you have intimate conversations with your H? Were you having trouble having intimate conversations with your H when you were not feeling sexy? I think my SO and I both get a charge from intimate conversations but we seem to have lost some of the knack for them as well. Used to have great ones. It was all one big package. It seems awkward now though. Don't know why?
Quote: I don't just love my SO. I really like him.
Have you told him this? How does he feel about you?
Quote: Changes in sex life can probably be traced to the birth of the first set. The thought of a good night's sleep was more orgasmic for both of us than sex.
I am curious, what changed for you? Did you feel that you stopped loving him then, or did you lose the intimacy then the love?
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