Hi. I have been together with my partner for almost 2 years, and we are apart since September. Actually I dont think there is any real chance of getting together again, because he is very much afraid of commitment, and after what I got to know, I am not sure it would be a good idea. I beleived for a long time that my partner and I are made for each other, and if he ever decided to put more energy in the relationship, it would work. It is probably not reality. But to me thi man was the symbol of honesty. I believed every word he said. And it is still hard to believe that I have no idea who I loved for 2 years. About a year ago by accident I found out, that he does a lot of sex chatting on the net, which hurt me only for one reason: with me he did not communicate too much about our sex life. But he said he is only exchanging sex pics, and he will stop. But a few weeks ago (of course long time after we broke up), I found out that he did continue under a different nick, and even during the time we were together and comfortable with each other, he was searching up ads of women for sex, and was setting up threesomes (2 guys, one girl). I do not know if anything came of it, but I under shock since this came to light. I was told that it does not mean that he was lying, it means more that there is a side to him he may not fully admit to even himself.
I am hurt, upset and I do not want to feel digust. I feel beaten and cheated. I cannot start to accept the fact that the man I thought was completely honest, is leading a life I am not even beginning to understand.
Eva, I don't have any real advice. While my H isn't doing what your H is doing, I am having to accept that I didn't know him as well as I thought. Many of us are going through that realization. I used to never consider my H a liar in any way shape or form. Now that I know he has lied to me, it hurts horribly. That trust is going to be one of the hardest things to rebuild, whether with him or with someone else. My H has lied to me about his "girlfriend" and it took a point blank confrontation to get him to admit that he had slept with her. He claims it happened only once, but I don't know how I will ever believe that. That is the hardest part, especially while we are trying to reconcile-- or at least I am. As I said, I don't have any advice for you, but wanted to send some positive thoughts your way and some cyberhugs.
Thank you for the reply Sonia. I am thinking, that perhaps we need to change attitude when we meet such a problem. My partner and I are not together anymore, we broke up 6 months ago, but I still thought there was hope. I am trying to understand my part in the break up, but I guess there are some things, which just have nothing to do with me. This is what I would like to share with all of you, who feel cheated. I found out recently, that my partner has a very strange hobby: he goes to road-side girls, and pays them to get satisfaction. Otherwise, he is a very resepcted man, his friends look up on him as he were a god (I did too), and no one in his environment would imagine that he has such interests.
I started thinking, with help, that this behaviour has nothing to do with me - it was like this before me, and it will be like this for a while yet. At least until he is ready to commit in a relationship. He did have an 8 year relationship before me , but Iknow his ex was cheating on him, and he also had his affairs with paygirls. SO that was not a very committed relationship either.
I would like to ask Michele to help us in chaging attitude, because my Mom said a very wise thing (married for 40 years). She said that if that man loves you, than it is ok for him to get sexual satisfaction from other women - for reasons we are not able to understand - because those mean nothing. But it is more difficult to chose the right man, and the right man is the one who loves you the way you need to be loved. So if we have all our needs satisifed (or at least most) in a relationship, than perhaps these things are easier to accept.
What do you think girls? Also I would like the men's opinion on this. I know I cannot think with a man's mind, but sometimes it would be a great help!
Eva, I am sorry that you are struggling with this issue and that you relationship has ended. You obviously are doing lots of soul searching.
I am glad that you figured out that your partner's behavior didn't have anything to do with you. His sexual interests in prostitutes preceeded your relationship. I can't explain why this attracts him, but he is not alone. Some men seek the company of prostitutes on a regular basis. But this doesn't make it any more acceptable to their partners, if they have them. Given the possibility of sexually transmitted diseases, the behavior is dangerous. I'm glad you are no longer have sexual relations with him.
As to your mother's advice, I understand that this perspective is much more common in Europe than in the U.S.. I don't know of too many women who think that as long as their husbands love them, they shouldn't worry if there are extramarital affairs. I know that are some women who pretend nothing is going on when there is, but I don't think they would openly condone the behavior.
Having said that, you need to decide what works for you. No two people are alike. I do agree that it is often the case that men think affairs can be "emotionless." Women generally don't understand this perspective because for them, sex and love are usually very much connected. Not always, but usually. Men can separate the two better.
However, this is not to say that women should feel okay about men seeking outside sex. Personally, I think affairs and marriages don't go together very well at all. Fidelity and trust are important building blocks to having a loving relationship.
