Have any of you guys noticed a difference in the way it feels when you wife is horny and when she is just doing it for your sake? It seems like there is big difference in how much I am being "squeezed", varies in proportion to her level of arousal. I am tripping, or is this a real effect?
Sorry for the pervy question, but I am trying to avoid a mutually unpleasurable LM situation. It seems linked to when she is tired or distracted and not in the mood but asks anyway, I would rather decline than grind away forever. I just want to make sure I'm not imagining this, I don't want to discuss this with her as she is very sensitive to the topic. Sort of like her saying "gee I noticed you weren't too hard"...
My observation would be that you should probably be concerned about her lack of involvement in the experience generally if you are trying to judge her level of arousal purely on her level of "tightness". How is the experience limited in terms of sensual communication? Maybe the real problem is that it is dark, silent and you are the only one moving when you are having sex.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I know you say she is sensitive about this subject....but this is one of those things you need to discuss, no kidding here. You can talk about this without it sounding as though you are coming down on her. If you don't discuss it...how is she going to know how she's coming across to you? Or how it makes you feel? And you do need to tell her these things....don't mince words, say what you mean and be clear about it. She won't guess these things...and very well may be ML with you because she knows you want to, so she's making an effort to please you that way. She may very well have no idea that this is happening.
I don't know that I would have that discussion directly after ML of course...then she may feel attacked, even if you don't mean it that way. But you do need to talk about this.
Maybe you can bring up the fact that she's been tired/distracted lately and you've noticed this, let her know it's running over into the bedroom as well (you can tell her it doesn't feel like she's fully there and participating when you ML because she's tired/distracted)...and then ask her how you can help to alleviate it. Maybe she's got things she'd like to unload and simply talking to you about it would help....maybe there's things she needs your help with around the house (or errands), but she won't ask....because lets face it wives with kids often bite off more than they can chew and don't ask for help...which makes them tired & distracted.
It's all too common for men/women to go to bed ticking off the things in their mind that they haven't accomplished today and need to do tomorrow.
JJ and GEL, You are both correct in your comments and observations, I have to address this issue but I was curious wether this effect was common or seen by anyone else. I say this because the approach may be different. If it's my sensitivity varying, I'd like to work on this myself and understand it. If it's her, we can address the underlying causes/alter our schedule to improve things. Does this make sense?
I guess what I'm trying to say is I think you are overestimating the importance of "tightness" because you are underestimating the importance of the sensual environment as a whole. You aren't being exposed to or allowing yourself to be exposed to enough stimulus beyond the direct stimulus to your penis. For instance, you would stop thinking so much about the tightness if your W did a little bump and grind or if you were observing her chest flushing before orgasm or if she said "Yeah, come on and f*ck me baby!".
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I agree with you on this...I didn't really see the "tightness" comment before. Stu, is it possible you are concentrating too much on that particular stimulation...instead of ML as a whole? Also, if there's something you'd like her to do that would help you feel she's into it...let her know. I don't think that if this is the issue that she has much control over it.
I know for me...it has no bearing whatsoever. Also have you tried a variety of positions...some may make her feel tighter to you than others...and also may be more pleasureable to her, and to you.
Thanks for the feedback, yeah I could be missing the extra stimulation from her reaction, but I swear she unconsciously relaxes when she's in duty S mode. Or tightens up in the other, whichever way you look at it. Oh well, I think the solution is just wait until she initiates and is "on". This works, I just need to make sure she doesn't initiate when really not into it.
What happens is she picks up on the fact that it's taking much longer than usual, then she asks "what's wrong?" Then she's upset that she put forth the effort but it's not very good for me.
With regards to positions, anything but missionary would be wonderful, but that's putting her out even more. Doggie is great, but this is asking for a lot on low energy night.
I am reading my own response and realizing how f**cked up this is, but I'm working on it, slowly. Sigh...
Well, in the old days, W sometimes had difficulty lubing up, so I just couldn't get in. I'm sure that the difficulty often came from a lack of "horniness" on her part. These days, She lubes quite nicely and is looser, and I love it. I used to have to try hard to avoid finishing too soon, but now it seems like I can go all day. Of course, if she really isn't that interested, she won't want me to.
When my W wants me to finish, she say, "HURRY UP!" OK, I can't finish on command, but at least she's not subtle about it. I'm glad I can last longer now. It's curious, stu. I'd always heard that women wanted the event to last longer. If your theory is correct, then you will last longer on exactly those days when she doesn't want you to.
Kudos to you for recognizing the problem though!!! (((hugs))) to you too, because it is difficult/painful/frustrating/aggravating etc.
As you've probably read in many of these peoples' posts you will need to communicate with her. It's going to take time, repetition, and understanding though. She is likely to feel attacked at first....but if you can bring up things such as positions that would really help you when ML not go on for too long (what I would give for that myself!!!) it may end up helping you both out.
Did I understand you correctly to mean that all she does is missionary? If that's the case that makes me think she's not letting go and just enjoying what's happening. To be quite honest with you....my LDH would do only 2 positions....it was either him or me on top....always....up until recently. But it took me screwing up my courage and having some really difficult discussions to get things moving in the right direction.
I'm going out on a limb here, but I too noticed a difference in my wifes style of ML if it is Duty S. (Dodging the bricks be tossed at me LOL). Case in point for me, she doesn't want intercourse often. We did have intercouse in October and then the next time, was this past January whenpracically begged to get it, and I could tell she was just going through the motions, no where as entusiastic about it as she was in Oct. In between she would give me a "helping hand" maybe every other week or third week.
