I am sorry if I have not given a better introduction to myself or these questions. I have avoided a lot of personal information in an attempt to avoid a bias in the responses. The questions are, however, sincere. Perhaps I should ask if anyone is aware of any LD W ever becoming HD. Thanks, Minky
This is a pretty big question - don't think it's really possible to give an answer to that one! You might want to read some of the threads, check out Corri and cinemanymph, for example.
Otherwise, it would be much simpler if you gave us some specific questions about your own sitch, those would be much easier to help you with!
I might could help but i don't know what your abreviations mean lol and I looked under the other posts trying to figure it out. so if you could tell me what they are I maybe could help. lol.
According to Schnarch in Passionate Marriage, it's possible to have a flip-flop of HD/LD roles in certain relationships. It has to do with a shared-functioning issue where only each member in a relationship have delegated ownership of various aspects of the marital system to one-another rather than maintain their own differentiated self, desires, and needs.
I personally know a woman who was LD in her marriage. Upon divorce, she struggled to regain her libido and used a variety of things to get it back. I'm purposely not sharing what techniques she used because 99% of what made it work was her motivation.
Now, if you are new to this whole thing, I'm going to offer a bit of advice about this topic. Don't go there!!!! When a book tells you how an LD can regain their libido, it's worthless information to you. It's actually worse because it leads to you resenting your spouse for not trying to implement these changes. So, I would avoid reading things that make you fantasize that your spouse will someday become more HD.
I made the mistake of researching every possible way to "fix" my W, figure out what makes her tick, and shared every possible technique I learned about and that's completely the wrong approach. The problem when an HD spouse reads about the techniques used by an LD spouse to rebuild their libido is that the HD spouse is left thinking "geez, I need her to get on board with this and work through her problems". 90% of the time, the LD spouse won't even try.
I'm not trying to discourage anyone. I would consider myself very successful...going from LM 1x year to 2x per week with some degree of motivation from my W. But even still, she isn't working on her LD and I just have to keep my mouth shut and tell her what I want when I want it. But to get to this point where she rejects respectfully and/or "tries" to get in the mood when I'm in the mood is a testament to the fact that she really cares about me and the marriage. She also claims that her natural horniness has increased.
I'm sorry but I won't be posting much here. A lot of other folks here know what's going on. Just don't try to solve your W's problem and you will be ok. Try solve your own and you will be good. Get a C to help you solve the *real* issues in your M and you will be great.
Good Luck
-Dave
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
The question is far less simple than you may think. For instance, I could tell you "Yes, sometimes LDWs become HDWs." but I might be thinking of instances in which this happened because the husband's drive dropped not vice-versa. It all depends on how you define HD or LD.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I am a former LD/ND W who is now HD, but I wouldn't recommend my journey to the other side to anyone. My H and I were disconnected for a long period of time and it caused a lot of damage to the marriage. Looking back, it wasn't the sex issue that was the problem; it was our inability to communicate well, our lack of knowledge of what makes a marriage work in the long term, and making the relationship a priority in our lives, amongst other things. In many ways we were both selfish and stupid.
I have to agree with the others...you will have to provide more info for us to try to help. Also many LD women are LD because of medical reasons...at this point we have no idea if this is the case with your W. We don't know what other problems in your M could be influencing her libido either.
Sorry, but you're just going to have to give more info. Remember this is a BB...and it is anonymous. We aren't judging you, we're just going to try to help.
You can only workk on youirself. You have absolutely no control over the wife. So her is what I understand MIGHT work, you change yourself, make yourself more attractive. Then you get rid of all the marriage busters. Then you meet her needs. Then you tell her what YOU need.
Now the big problem, if you do all the things above, then the hope that all marriage counsellors have is that the womens "natural" sex drive will return. So if the problem is totally relational, you might have a chance of raising her to HD. Unfortunately, I believe that for most LD women, the true underlying problem is physical in nature, and most likely they have absolutely no clue as to what it is or how to fix it. And if she suffers from arrousal disorder, you might as well kiss your butt goodbye, she will NEVER be HD again.
CeMar, You forgot about the LD men. I have to ask myself, why does anyone want sex in the first place? Tender loving feelings? Probably not. I have to agree that some SSMs may be the result of physiology (not all so you can't generalize). And it is more complex than just testosterone, according to research in this area there are a number of chemicals that mediate sex drive, there isn't a magic bullet. So someone's testo level could be normal but still have a drive problem.
I'm digressing a bit but I tend to put less weight on heinously complex psych theories and more on the biology in some cases. If you do all you can to reasonably accommodate the SO and there is still a problem, then you have to stop and wonder why others find it fun and rewarding to boink their mates despite not living a storybook existence. IMO your SL shouldn't be this much work.
