Quote: Isn't it weird that, now that we live in a society that provides such plenty, we should find so scarce something that has been available, and freely given, throughout human history? * sigh *
Yeah.
I am addicted to cookies. I just have scarcity issues around sex due to my history/circumstances. If I could hoard sex in a closet, I probably would. It's overly simplistic to say that the problem in my marriage is lack of trust. It's overly simplistic to say the problem in my marriage is lack of sex. The problem in my marriage is lack of trust due to a history of lack of sex.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Dave: Regarding sexual anorexia, I am aware of that book and have examined parts of it available online. I tend to think that my W may be sexually anorexic, and can answer "yes" to many, if not all, of those elements. Yeah, it sucks.
Driving home from the C one day I had a breakthrough. If asked how good my sex life is, my first thought was "pretty bad". But this was after 7 months of having sex twice a week. By all standards, that doesn't sound like a crappy sex life. Even according to my definition of success, this was a great number.
I realized that the only thing keeping me from *thinking* my sex life was great was my lack of security in the current sex life and the lagacy of a crappy one. All I needed to do was learn to live in the moment and say "man, for the past few months it's been great". It's really hard to recognize it and taking a break from the C was a really good thing because it allowed us to enjoy the calm waters of the comfort zone for a while.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
Quote: I realized that the only thing keeping me from *thinking* my sex life was great was my lack of security in the current sex life and the lagacy of a crappy one.
I do think it's important that we HD do our part in moving forward by trying to work on trust and resentment. However, I can't really do this as long as my H is not consistent in his efforts to change. Just telling me that he wants to change is not enough. If my H was a gambler the message he'd be giving me right now would be "I love you and I know I have to quit gambling but the race on Saturday is a sure thing so I'll quit on Monday".
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Driving home from the C one day I had a breakthrough. If asked how good my sex life is, my first thought was "pretty bad". But this was after 7 months of having sex twice a week. By all standards, that doesn't sound like a crappy sex life. Even according to my definition of success, this was a great number.
Question for you, is it just the number, or the 'quality' and feeling? Is the twice a week because she wants to, or to make you feel better or an obligation?
Is she less 'low desire' or just less unwiling?
I think I would feel much better about my sitch if there was more desire, not just more willingness.
Quote: I do think it's important that we HD do our part in moving forward by trying to work on trust and resentment. However, I can't really do this as long as my H is not consistent in his efforts to change.
Hmmm, the old, "I can't work on my stuff until you work on your stuff"? The "you go first" standoff? (I kick myself for how long I held onto that mindset.) The mantra for partners of gamblers (alcoholics, whatever) is "focus on yourself". Don't let H's behavior influence when you work on your trust and resentment.
Question for you, is it just the number, or the 'quality' and feeling? Is the twice a week because she wants to, or to make you feel better or an obligation?
Is she less 'low desire' or just less unwiling?
I think I would feel much better about my sitch if there was more desire, not just more willingness.
That's a great point. I still have a little bit of trouble with the amount sexual energy that she has prior to each experience. We've learned that her energy "catches up" once we get going.
But I do have to keep reminding myself that her drive IS what it IS. Her "willingness" 6 months ago is way different than her willingness now and that's the key difference. 6 months ago, I wouldn't accept her brand of "willingness" because it was clearly motivated by a sense of obligation and maybe some fear that I would leave. Now our relationship is much different and she will nicely (sometimes enthusiastically) agree for a romp unless she truly isn't feeling like it...versus before when she would only do it when she felt like it...which was never.
There's a big mercy-sex and hmmm-let's-see-if-I-can-get-in-the-mood-for-ya sex. The difference is in their response to your initiation.
I used to give her a hard time about her lack of natural drive. Once I accepted that it might just be our reality, then I chilled out and accepted her efforts in a positive way. The fact that she doesn't catch any crap from me regarding the SL has drawn her out better and is giving her the space to improve her natural desire. It's moving slowly and sometimes I get impatient, but it's worth waiting for as long as she's trying.
Last year was all about getting our heads in the right place and this year is all about practicing what we've learned. There is no quick fix.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
