Question for you all. What would the big deal be, if in a marriage with an LD and a HD, the LD would "give in" to what would amount to 7 to 8 minutes 3 times a week to satisfy the HD spouse. Is that really asking too much? Less than a half hour per week. This doesn't have to include intercourse, it could be other forms of pleasure.The LD can have the tv on if they choose. Is this asking too much of a spouse. Hey they might actually enjoy it.
It does sound easy but it is ever so complicated. Many here have fairly regular sex but they want their spouse to desire them and they want to see outward expression of that. Beyond that there are serious issues behind the witholding in many relationships. For what it is worth, I have asked myself that question many times. It would be so easy to just shut me up. Or would it?
The solution of "just giving in" on the part of the LD spouse would seem to be simple at first glance but in reality I believe it is extremely complicated.
If it was that easy, the LD spouse would have figured it out and would just do it and frequency would not be an issue (of course "quality" would be an issue).
I have found that there are so many "demons" that this approach does not fit at all with the LD spouse. I have briefly discussed with my ND spouse who indicates that she believes she should not have to do anything she doesn't want to. This is probably a typical kind of response from many LD'rs. She indicates she feels more like some type of hooker if she accepts performing a "wifely duty". The consistant response I get is "why don't you leave me alone and just mb rather than pester me, after all why do I have to be a receptical for your needs - do it on your own". Not sure if many LDr's give that direct response, but I suspect many are thinking along those lines.
With respect to the HDr, somehow having a partner that is either sound asleep or wishes you would just go away takes a great deal of the edge off of the experience - particularly if it is 3 times a week.
Finally, I seriously doubt that the LD'r would grow to enjoy the experience - I suspect that she(he) would grow to resent you.
you are both probably right. I was originally just wondering out loud what would seem like an easy solution. Maybe if the LD spouse looked at it like giving a massage. After all we are talking about roughly 8 minutes 3 days a week for peace. But like you said, the problems are deeper.
I'm glad you posted because I've been trying to figure out how to describe what I am currently feeling. After 4 years of no sex, W and I started to have occasional sex, but without very much enthusiasm from W. For example it had to be in the dark, and no words were exchanged. A very good consequence of this is that I have lost my desperation for sex. A possible bad outcome: Have I lost my libido altogether? Whereas I used to lie in bed wondering, "Why does she keep rejecting me?" I now lie in bed thinking that I'm pretty happy over on my side (by the way, DD6 and DS4 are in the bed with us).
Don't get me wrong, life is better now. W and I get along better. We may argue, but it doesn't fester. I am currenly accepting that once, or, if I'm lucky, twice a month is fine.
I'm reminded of my DD6. She is given no more than 10 minutes worth of homework each night. But rather than do it in 10 minutes, she does anything she can to avoid that homework. She eventually gets it done, but only after 1,2 or 3 hours, and after intense prodding on our part. My W takes after DD6. She will fight me tooth, nail and thensome to avoid the (10? 15? 20?) minutes that LM would take if she's not in the mood.
To put a positive spin on the situation, one could argue that LM is actually very important to her, and that she doesn't want to cheapen it by doing it under less than ideal conditions. That holds water until you consider that she won't lift a finger to help make the conditions ideal (e.g., shoo the kids from the bed, take a romantic weekend trip, etc.)
Mandksdad, Hey if the two of you are happy with your situation that is great.I think at least it is a positive that after being shut out for four years you are back in the game, even though it might not be 100% satisfying, but you have the guts and patience to stick it out. I admire you.
I think real winter, like the kind we're having, has a kind of numbing effect. Perhaps a nice thaw will light my fire again, and maybe even hers. We'll see.
I don't want to stagnate. But for us, progress will be measured by more than just an increase in frequency.
I'm afraid that the argument "Can't you spare just 30 minutes a week?" probably won't fly if it hasn't yet.
Mdad, hey don't get me wrong. If a couple is satisfied with very infrequent sex but are happy, good for them. It isn't a requirement for a happy M to have to do it every other day
"Giving in" is just not as simple as it sounds, unfortunately. "Giving in" to someone like my LDH sounds like I won, he lost...it's a control thing.
I also have to echo the same thing some others have...just giving in means someone's going through the montions (most likely)...sex in that manner is very is often unfulfilling and can lead to other problems.
Greeneyes, You are probably right. I was just venting some frustrations. I would say my w got into it at least half of the time. I could tell because (well not to get too graphic here) but she would be soaked and she would make a mess all over me. I didn't mind, actually I thought her "wetness" was a turn on. She tells me now that her issue is that in the past she enjoyed sex if it meant trying to have a baby. Well we have 3 boys so we are pretty much done in that department, so her issue is when sex happens now, she gets upset because we are not trying to have a baby. She will be 37 in two weeks. Is this an MLC, hormonal thing, or menopause? I would like to think she will be past this in a few years.
