I just wanted to say thanks to everyone for all the advice and insight I get every time I come here and read. I read almost daily, even though I only posted once on Newcomers "Wow, How Familiar" back in early September. My life has been a rollercoaster ever since, but I continue to DB and wanted to share some of my successes and failures.
My last post (3 months ago)indicated that my H was suffering from depression (he wouldn't admit to) and had just ended an EA a few days before. Life was in the fast lane for me then because within 4 days of that post, he came to me and told me that he had had a huge breakthrough and suddenly was "coming out of it - the depression or whatever" and knew he loved me and wanted to be with me. Also disclosed sex with the OW on two occasions, but had totally ended the relationship that morning when she called him and told him that she had left her husband. Think that scared him in a BIG way at the time. Also said that he enjoyed the things we had done the day before and it was like when we first started dating (my form of DBing).
MICHELLE - YOU NEED TO HEAR THIS - My H and I have had many, many talks since that time and he continues to say how much I've changed and he can see how hard I tried to keep things together dispite his lack of enthusiasm. One of his comments, and I quote, was "You've done a 360." Now, you need to understand he has NO knowledge of DBing or the books I've been reading. He still refuses counseling, but is understanding of me attending my sessions and reading, so I pretty much use the techniques I learn, but don't share them with him because he then says I'm being too analytical - one of the 180s I'm trying to work on. My point here is DBing DOES WORK!!!!!
We're certainly not totally out of the woods, we had our "honeymoon period" and things were never better. He even sent me a letter for our anniversary about how wonderful thing were for us and how he loves me more now than ever before. THIS IS SOMETHING MY H NEVER WOULD HAVE DONE EVER, EVER BEFORE. However, the day before Thanksgiving, I discovered that he is still talking to the OW on the telephone (that old redial thing). We're now back somewhere in between - probably a more realistic place.
I have told him that I'm not sure our marriage will survive if he continues to have contact with her. He says he can't see this because she is just a friend and a very nice person. (OK, here's the Bi*** in me, but does a "very nice person" f*** another man in the bed she shares with her own husband?) I really believe a lot of this attitude on his part is still the depression lingering - he says he sees it as me trying to control him. He has at least told me that he will cut contact with her because he wants to keep our marriage together. I have agreed to quit the checking up on him and the "surveillance" I was doing on her. This is as much for my own sake as his because it only leads to additional anxiety on my part and I'm not ready to give up yet anyway. I will wait it out focusing on the positives we have (and 18 VERY GOOD years together is very positive).
I've been reading so many posts here and it finally struck me yesterday that you are all right. I can't control him, even in this very clear issue. He will have to decide what is most important and when to truly decide to "let her go." He has continually told me, and in my heart and mind, I truly believe that he would never end up with her (for a variety of reasons), and that I am the only person he has ever truly loved. THANKS EVERYONE for helping me to come to this realization. Not that it's easy right now, not that we're completely happy, but we both know we want to give it our all and DBing is helping me so much. I must admit I read the book several months ago by checking it out of our local library. I'm rethinking that one and may buy my own copy to dog-ear and highlight and everything else I need to.
Sorry about the rambling, just wanted to share with others the good things (even among all the bad) and a HUGH THANK YOU to all the support we give each other. Hang in there everyone and hope the holidays are good for all of us.
Sue Ann, Thanks for your wonderful feedback about Db and this great bunch of people here. I am so glad that their feedback to you has kept you sane and kept you on track. It's so hard when you want things a certain way and they aren't that way. But you obviously are doing a tremendously amount of work on yourself and it is showing. YOu're doing a 360!!! That's great. Be patient. YOu are on the road to solution. I know I will see you soon in the forum about making your marriage work. See you there!
Thanks for the feedback. That is one thing I really like about this site. You are constantly there for us. After a talk with my H last weekend, I've decided that the place for me is in the Midlife Crisis forum, so that's where I'll be for quite a while I believe. Lots of nice people to ride the train with. Thanks, I know I'll be around for a while.
