A few developments on which I'd value your input. The visit had been to civil until Saturday and Sunday. W unloaded again. Again back to the beginning. First, "why did you put your wedding ring back only 2 years ago?" Answer; I work in construction. Other who wore rings have fingers missing. Then came "Well when you left construction and worked in marketing services in 1990 why didn't you put it on then?" Answer; I got used to not wearing it. It wasn't until I moved away for work did I think to put it back on. Then came "You denied me sex for days (true) and gave me the silent treatment for days (true). Note: none of this has happened in the last decade. This time I served up a 180. Answer; Well the tide has tuened. Now you deny me sex but this has lasted not days but 6 months and you don't answer my calls or emails so seems to me I'm on the receiving end of the silent treatment. I may now know how you feel and I guess you know how stupid I felt. How does it feel now? She thought about that for some time and didn't answer. I then asked W do you ever think we will hold one another again? W's answer "I don't know." Is this progress or am I beating a dead horse?
OG I've been asking the why question since July. Our Counselor asks the same. C continues to tell us marriages with a whole lot more problems have reconciled. When W says we're dysfunctional C says well then how did you produce three perfectly functional children, two with functional families of their own? From all the tirades I hear a woman who has always had an inferiority complex but who has masked it superbly well with her Polly Anna personality. I aggravated it by attempting to pull her out with my John Wayne style. She's found a sense of accomplishment at the law firm where shes works and thinks she's now indpendent. But, the poor thing is dilusional thinking she can continue to live in this area on what they pay her. I think Lillipearl is on to something and it's simply she needs to vent and not see me as the source of all evil. Stories like the wedding ring, painting the garage on Thanksgiving, landscaping the yard, are examples where I must have exerted my dominance, made her feel inferior, and she's rebelling, fueled by years of my abusive behavior, her being the victim, and her being a perfectionist. Remember an earlier post where she said "people who DIY are vain?" She can't heal until she addresses the victim and perfectionist status. It's just that I don't see that happening. She seems to hold on to her position because she's stated in the past if she "folds" she will fall back into the old relationship (W thinks I've not really changed) and she will have no self worth. That's my take after 15 books and 3 counselors. The numbers may seem like overkill but I'm leaving no stoned unturned to save this M. P.S. I still can't get this thread in my favorites. Help?
Run? I didn't walk away she did. I didn't file for D she did.I know she fears being hurt again because she filed 12 years ago and reconciled. Since that time I changed. Since this time I've changed big time. She's still fuming over 12 years ago and I sense won't feel ant self worth unless she shows everyone she can see this through regardless what counselors say or how I feel towards her.
TAG, It seems to me that your wife wants you to validate her. She is holding on to these past hurts as a way to protect herself from future hurts. When she opens up to you, I suspect she is wanting some validation to "test" and see if you are a new person. If you go on the attack (which is normal, we all do that) she can then tell herself, See! I knew he hadn't changed! What if you validated that you hurt her and then show her that you are different now, instead of pointing out how her own behavior mimics yours from years ago?
It sounds like she knows she is not treating you well, but the layers of resentment are SO strong and SO deep that she can't seem to find her way out. I was not able to let go of all of the resentment I had built up until he started meeting my needs as well as validated that I was right to have felt bad, in the first place. Then it was as if a veil had been lifted and I could really SEE him again. Up until then, I was too pissed to see his changes.
Food for thought and I hope you don't belittle her law firm job to her--she knows it won't support her lifestyle, I doubt she's unintelligent, right!
Honeypot, Tough but sage counsel. Tell me what you think of this: We're on our way to the airport yesterday and baggage from 12 years ago came up. This time I didn't argue I agreed and confessed I used bad judgement and I was wrong. I confessed I hurt W more than I realized. I sat and took the attack. At the airport I got my bags and went to give W a hug and kiss which is usually rejected and for some reason said "will you forgive me?" and much to my surprise she said "Yes!" Now, I don't want to get over excited but what does this tell you? TAGIII
Quote: At the airport I got my bags and went to give W a hug and kiss which is usually rejected and for some reason said "will you forgive me?" and much to my surprise she said "Yes!"
Don't get too excited, but I would definitely say this is a positive sign!
Thanks DinWa, We invest so much for such a long time with little to show for it other than our own learning and development. Then something like the above happens and it feels lucky. The kind of luck former UT coach Darryl Royal once described "Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity." I read your post: "I am really having problems thinking (like Bigs4) that I should be "reaching out" to my W. However, I am pretty sure she doesn't want that right now so I am trying to do my own thing and give her time. It is really really really hard, and some days this just seems so unfair. But enough with the self-pity. doesn't really do a whit of good." Many days I feel the same way but I find when I do reach out I get better at communicating with my W and who knows? Maybe we'll get lucky? TAGIII
