HP said: ---------- Can you elaborate a bit on that, NOP? For instance, did that include carving out a time during the day just for her? What tangible things did you do differently? ----------
The real change in me was wanting to spend the time with her. The practical side of that was setting aside a block of time everyday that I basically spend with her as the focus. I still deal with interruptions and everyday crap, but it is time that I focus on her.
Example. Even though we often enjoy gourmet dinning in the evenings from the frozen food section, we still spend the time preparing the food (yelling over the microwave fans) talking, then sit together and discuss the day's events ("Did you read HoneyPot's post about her husband wimping out again?").
After a fine frozen meal, we sit in the living room, sans TV and talk about whatever comes up. Later, we exercise, shower and get ready for play time. Mix in there phone calls with daughter and sometimes the office.
So, if I had to say that we gave up anything, it was the TV. We still love movies, and we watch a couple a week, but we spend little other time in front of a television. Hobbies and other interests are mixed in as appropriate.
If all that sounds common and boring, maybe it is, but it provides an ongoing, maintainable connection for us - in a practical way.
From what I see in your situation, bedtime by 8:30pm or Church at 5:30am may have to take a hit. or maybe you can mix in some other times.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Quote: Oh Corri, I was NOT sticking up for how he approached you. I WOULD HAVE told him to stick it and you know that's true.
Oh, I know you were not... sorry... think I have some self-pity creeping in.
Quote: Don't speak disrespectfully to me and find a better way to ask for bj's, azzhole.
I like this response very much. I think I'm going to award you with some pointy witch shoes of your own. And, yes, they ARE very fashionable these days. I'll get you some lime green ones with rhinestones on them.... they look FABULOUS with size 8 jeans!!
NOP, That was maybe your most enlightening post, for me.
I agree that either the Early Lights Out or daily Mass is going to take a hit. Again, I will let him come to that decision on his own..how to work it..but clearly something has to change. He cannot keep relying on his own good intentions cause we all know where that's gonna get him.
As far as it being boring, heck no, that is all I'm looking for. A little time together in which to talk or hang out. Our little ones currently prevent any decent discussions from occurring (literally we can't hear each other over the noise, which is one thing I would have NEVER imagined pre-kids).
For Christmas he gave me a booklet of homemade coupons which can best be summed up as promises for QT. There are massage coupons, date night coupons, coupons for cleaning the bathrooms LOL (talk about boring and mundane!) and one of my favorites, a promise to play scrabble.
We don't watch much TV as it is. Maybe a movie on the weekends. There is literally nothing to eliminate except the early bedtime. I know that will kill him and he will perceive it as his evil wife out to get him and make sure that he is not at his best the next day when he goes in to work to provide for all of us and keep a roof over our heads, blah blah blah blah.
Oh and one more thing: I really will call you boring if you and the Mrs spend your time ruminating over my pathetic life!
It sounds like you have a firm game plan. I appreciate the choice you have made to save your marriage. That is very gutsy.
Quote: ------------- Unfortunately, because no one else knows of the affair, we all are still invited to many of the same events by mutual friends. Being forced to ostracize myself (and my W) from many of these events so that the three of us are not there at the same time is one of the things I have hated most. -------------
I completely understand that. When you get ready to confront your wife, the ability to expose the affair can work on your behalf. That means little right now, but I wanted to plant that seed for later.
Quote: --------- Finally, I second honey’s request for a bit of elaboration on some of the general statements you made in your earlier response if that is something you, or MrsNOP, would be comfortable doing. ---------
Let me know if my post to HP didn't sum it up enough for you. Additionally, my wife has some recreational needs that haven't been fully addressed, but those will be worked out when our business situation changes. In the mean time, we are doing some fun things for her, they are just limited in scope to our local area (the joys of owning a business).
Quote: --------- Did she come right out and give you a list? ---------
Actually, the 'list' was very short and simple. She wanted me to want to do some of the things that she wants to do. She needed me to want to do recreational things with her. I'm not talking bars, but simple outside activities. The problem was my inability to place importance on her need partly due to my experiences - "been everywhere, done everything".
I wanted her to want to have sex with me.
The tough part in all of this is in learning to really hear, and place importance on, what your spouse is telling you.
"And the simple shall confound the wise..." :-)
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Quote: then sit together and discuss the day's events ("Did you read HoneyPot's post about her husband wimping out again?").
How wonderful it would be to be a Nopkins. I would love to get to the point with my wife where we could read this forum and discuss it over dinner. Given the choice, however, I'd rather boink her on a daily basis.
I have been pondering this for several days and am still not sure what you meant by it:
Quote: When you get ready to confront your wife, the ability to expose the affair can work on your behalf. That means little right now, but I wanted to plant that seed for later.
Some elaboration would be most appreciated as I envision this conversation occurring with my W in the immediate future.
Once you have all your 'ducks in a row', proof of the affair, etc, and have confronted your wife with the fact that you know the truth. then if she won't end the affair IMMEDIATELY, without telling her, you 'expose' the affair to the other man's wife and family. If your kids are old enough, then you tell them too.
Exposure is simply bringing the light of day to something that is dark and secret. Most affairs stop immediately after exposure.
If the first 'level' of exposure doesn't slow down the adulterers, then you increase the exposure to work, friends, etc - ever widening circles.
Exposure, if necessary, will make your spouse madder than hell, but that is to be expected.
Are you aware of the 'anatomy' of an affair? It would really help you to understand why affairs occur, what the participants feel, and how to deal with it.
I would encourage you to NOT accuse your wife of cheating UNLESS you have proof. The reason is simple. If she is not cheating, then you are going to undo a whole bunch of work you have done on the relationship. If you have proof, then disregard this warning :-)
I personally believe that exposure to the other person's spouse is always warranted. Simply put, they have a right to know.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
HD wrote: ---------- How wonderful it would be to be a Nopkins. ----------
I don't think you would want to be.
MrsNOP and I are considering changing our middle names to "Pain", as in -been through some-.
:-)
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
