I have lurked in this forum for quite some time and post in "Separated," although not for a couple of months.
I have spent the last several weeks reading and digesting both your "Monkey on a string" and "Don't bother turning the crank. . " threads. The latter ends around December '03.
I first want to thank you for taking the time to verbalize your thoughts and feelings on both of those threads. They have helped me immeasurably.
One question: is there a thread that you maintained after Dec. of '03 on which you posted regularly? I have done my best with the limited search capabilities on this site but since I do not know if it is even possible to search by thread "owner" I have not been able to locate any later thread. I also do not seem to be able even to locate your individual posts prior to around Sept. '04.
Any help that you, or any other member can provide would be much appreciated.
The easiest way I've found to view someone's posting history is to click on their login name as it appears to the left of their message. This will bring up a screen where you have the option at the bottom right-hand of the page of "Show all user's posts". From that new screen, the most recent posts will be listed. Hitting "previous" in the upper right corner will scroll you to listings of older posts.
I am glad that my posts have helped you in some way.
I have reviewed your situation. Have you and your wife reconciled yet?
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Thank you for looking that up. You are most kind :-)
I was just looking back at some of my earlier rants, cries and discussions. I really appreciate all the effort you put into helping me work through things. I still remember your first post on the forum.
I find it very satisfying that both of our relationships have come so very far. It has been my great privilege to banter back and forth with you over the past two years.
Here is a virtual toast to you and your husband - May all your days be filled with love and respect, passion and play, with long, long talks, and romps in the hay.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
We are not out of the woods yet... still stuff cropping up, and right now, I just don't have the energy to pick up the R-Badge again. That's not healthy. I have to figure out what my issue is.... it's in there somewhere.
No. I think I know what it is. I sit and watch him watch our R spiral and I think to myself, "is he going to grab the wheel or are we going to collide full speed into that canyon wall?" I'm having a time not 'flinching.'
Then I feel guilty because he is busy. Really busy. Stressed. Why does it bother me that he goes to bed before I do now, and when I do go to bed, he'll say to me in the dark, "how about a blow job?" No touches, no kisses, no hugs.
He'll say to me, "I initiate all the time." That's not how I recall it. But to me, that isn't the issue. I don't really give a fig who initiates, that's not the problem. If we are back to... "but I did this, and you don't do that!! You did this, so I didn't do that..." then we've really slid a lot further backwards than lack of sex. That really bothers me.
The only way out is for me to grab the wheel and pick up the R-Badge. At least, that's what it seems. Something's missing... and that is what I am pondering.
Quote: Why does it bother me that he goes to bed before I do now, and when I do go to bed, he'll say to me in the dark, "how about a blow job?" No touches, no kisses, no hugs.
I think it's pretty obvious why this bothers you. It's behavior that is rude below the societally accepted laws of sexual conduct. Of course, it's up to you to decide whether it's acceptable to you.
If I had a H who said this to me, I wouldn't be thrilled but because I am willing to exchange sexual favors for sexual favors even if they're asked for in a rude fashion, I would probably respond by saying something like "How about you try to make me orgasm through breast contact only first?" and the sexual barter would proceed from this point. For instance, my H might say "That sounds interesting, but I'm feeling simultaneously lazy and horny. How about you give me a blow-job now and I'll do the breast thing in the morning?".
Of course, even I would prefer a polite, romantic, generous HDH who would give me lots of "touch, hugs and kisses" if I wanted them and immediately leap into action to gratify my least sexual whim such as "breast-only orgasm" and only then politely indicate his desire for a blow-job.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I am confused. His saying to you, " How about a BJ?" and then commenting that he initiates all the time seems contradictory to me. His asking for a BJ is an initiation. Is he saying to you that he would really like it if sometime you just came to bed and surprised him with a BJ? It feels like he is putting you on the spot to "give"... I know that approach doesn't bring out my generous side. It's saying " I want this gift now; I do my part at other times so I deserve this now" rather than " I would really love this gift from you; it would mean a lot to me since I am feeling so exhausted these days," and then giving you time to respond.
I can relate to your not wanting to put the R badge back on...it symbolizes work, responsibility, effort, etc, and you want to be doing this together. Personally, I struggle with letting go of the badge and have decided that the next time we backslide ( and I know there will be a next time) the healthiest thing for me would be to go back to the MC and allow myself the freedom of being "just" an equal participant.
It is my time of the month this week; and yes, I think the way H approaches it is very rude.
Quote: Is he saying to you that he would really like it if sometime you just came to bed and surprised him with a BJ? It feels like he is putting you on the spot to "give"... I know that approach doesn't bring out my generous side. It's saying " I want this gift now; I do my part at other times so I deserve this now" rather than " I would really love this gift from you; it would mean a lot to me since I am feeling so exhausted these days," and then giving you time to respond.
No, he's not asking me to surpise him with a BJ sometime, because I would have absolutely no problem with that whatsoever. It is more along the lines of: "I want this gift now; and you should want to give it to me."
We had sex Saturday night, I started on Monday. I had a raging headache on Tuesday (which I seldom get... it was very odd, darn near a migraine, but I caught it early enough). I told him about my headache... and he looks at me and says he has a dick ache.
I think to myself, "that was really an [censored] thing to say." But I didn't say anything because I was too caught up in my own pain to pursue it.
He's tired. He's crabby and he's stressed from work. He's going 12 to 13 hours a day. He seldom, if ever, gets home from work before 6:30. And he's usually picking up the kids from Hockey before he gets home. (He wants to do it...) So, he's ambling in around 7-7:30, 8 p.m. most nights. In bed by 10.
He started in on me the other day about how our sex life sucks, and I stopped him right there and said, "that was a really mean thing to say to me. I don't appreciate it. If you have something you need to discuss, let's discuss it. If you think we need to work on something, tell me what it is, and let's figure out how'll WE'LL work on it. But I don't deserve pot shots."
He said he was sorry, and let it go.
I'm holding onto myself, but I'm really confused myself here. Trying to figure it out...
No, I don't go to MC now. I'll only go back to the shrink when I don't know what he'd say to me on any given topic. I think I could write the man's book.
I don't even mind backsliding, because that is part of life. You get through it. What I DO mind is watching him watch our R spiral. I mind that very much.
This is the first time I have not 'jumped' to fix it, and I think I can very clearly see now why I lost my desire in the first place. It's a very interesting and confusing perspective.
