Previously, I stated that I think I am "in love" with my H to the extent that I can appreciate his beauty. Hopefully, when I talk about his beauty, I primarily mean the beauty of his character not the beauty of his biceps .
I used to be upset when my H told me that he thought his low sex drive was due, in part, to the fact that I was overweight. I thought he ought to love/desire me for the beauty of my character rather than the beauty of my body. I felt like he was asking me to violate my integrity by losing weight in order to attract him sexually. But, as I proceeded to go ahead and lose the weight, I realized that my addictive overeating behavior was a flaw in my character that I shouldn't expect my H to ignore. I gained integrity by taking control of my eating. Of course, if I took it to an extreme and tried to turn myself into Twiggy by starving myself, I would be violating my integrity in an attempt to get more sex.
Another example is the situation one of the HDH's described in which their LDW seemed willing to trade sex for a big screen television. If he went ahead and bought a TV in order to have sex, he wouldn't be able to respect himself. More importantly, just the thought that she was asking him to trade a TV for sex turned him off because he couldn't feel himself to be "in love" with a woman whose character was such that she wanted to make such a trade.
Recently, I got the impression that my H would be less stressed and more sexual if I avoided confronting him about the issue that he wasn't earning enough money to cover his half of our expenses. Therefore, I avoided the topic and tried to work harder to make up the difference. I felt resentment because I felt like he was making me do more than my fair share in order to have sex and I also felt resentment because I felt like he was making me violate my integrity by ignoring the financial situation in order to have sex. Finally, it dawned on me (again) that the only person who can make me tolerate inequity in a wimpy fashion or act without integrity is ME,MYSELF and I.
I confronted my H about the inequity of our financial situation and I admitted to acting without integrity by not communicating this to him sooner. The fact that telling him this did cause his sex drive to plummet was disappointing because it revealed a flaw in his character that made me feel like I was less "in love" with him. I temporarily had an image of my H as being someone like Kato Kalin who would be content to just live in my guest house and provide sexual favors in exchange for the occasional handout. Un fortunately, I am not at all attracted to the Kato type and even if I were, I can't afford a guesthouse .
Fortunately, my H has been "pulling himself together" lately and taking action that has given me some fresh respect for his character and therefore made me feel a little more "in love" with him again. The other day he asked me if "as a friend" and someone with "HR experience", I would help him with his job search. I was happy to help because he was clearly indicating that he knew that finding a new job was HIS responsibility. It may be the case that the fact that I now recognize that taking care of my sexual needs is my responsibility has made my H more willing to "help" in that area.
So, the moral of my essay is you should never do anything that violates your integrity in order to get laid. It will make you feel like cr*p and it won't work in the long run anyways because your partner can't desire or be "in love" with anyone lacking the character to maintain their integrity. OTH, it can be d*mn hard to figure out whether or not you are acting with integrity. I think it goes back to the issue of the "preferences" Corri was talking about or the self-esteem I was talking about. Are you doing something that makes you feel good about you in order to improve your sex life and/or relationship or not? If you are, you will be successful because either your actions will result in a similar reaction from your spouse or if they don't you will no longer care because this will show such a lack of character in your partner you will no longer be "in love" with or desire your partner and you will be ready to move on.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I should add that when I said you will be "ready to move on", I didn't mean that you would literally be compelled to exit the house or marriage. I just meant that you would be ready to move on emotionally without feelings of bitterness, resentment, misery or self-loathing. It doesn't matter whether your philosophy allows divorce as long as it is truly your philosophy. For instance, if you stop being angry at your spouse for being trapped in a sexless marriage and start being mad at the Pope, you need to question your integrity in regards to your religion.(You might think I have it easier being some sort of neo-pagan/secular humanist but that isn't true because I have the exhausting task of deciding for myself what my "rules" are regarding sex, marital fidelity or divorce etc. etc. The Goddess of Fertility, Bertrand Russell, Jesus, Freud, Bessie Smith, the members of this BB, Buddha, Thomas Jefferson, assorted feminists, my Grandmother, hundreds of novelists and a myriad of others are debating endlessly amongst themselves in my brain as I try to make these decisions with integrity.)
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Quote: The strange thing is this attitude makes it more likely that I'll be content with my marriage rather than less likely because I'm not trying to decide what to do or how to feel based on former weather patterns, good or bad, or future predictions, good or bad, I'm just taking each day as it comes, minding my own crops.
We have gone from nursing mothers to plants all in a week's time! Your view has a PM feel to it which I like...figuring out what you need to thrive and less on the current conditions. Makes me see why I have a need to have the security of structured fertilization rather than leaf-shaking fertilizing storms right now.
Forgive me JustJenny I know this is not the correct forum to get answers to my questions, but I am lost in this message board and I need some help to find out how to navigate in here. WHERE do I go and How do I get there? I have tried FAQ but to no avail. I feel like a character on Gilligans Island.
Quote: Underneath it all is a voice that keeps repeating: "it shouldn't have to be THIS hard... it shouldn't have to be THIS hard..."
My first joking reply is "but you want it to be hard, don't you?".
My second more serious reply based on my new relaxed outlook is to tell you that it only has to be as hard as you are willing to tolerate. You could have exited your relationship the first time your BF turned you down for sex. Why didn't you? Obviously there is something about your relationship that makes you willing to work hard at "fixing" the sex part in order to maintain it. It is natural to question your judgement as you continue to decide whether it is worthwhile to stay in the relationship. Just remember the decision is totally up to you and you can change your mind tomorrow if circumstances dictate. Maybe there really is something in this relationship that you value more than sex. Maybe there is enough of something in this relationship that you are willing to keep working on the relationship. Maybe not. The lack of sex is what makes you want to leave the relationship. This isn't what is making you miserable. The thought of losing whatever is making you want to stay in the relationship is what is making you miserable. When you figure out how you can live without that, you'll be ready to leave. When you decide that you can't live without that, you'll be content to stay.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I want to point out how you evolved in a week's time. The breastfeeding mom is very much dependent on her suckling infant and is left to wonder why her baby is not cooperating; I see the crops and the rain as two separate entities, and while there is a dependent relationship( well at least as far as the crops needing the rain), the crops really have no influence over and cannot claim any responsibility for the rain's behavior. The problem is that the rain really doesn't need the crops, so it's back to the analogy drawing board for you. Besides, I really don't like thinking of myself as a plant...way too passive.
JJ wrote {{Obviously there is something about your relationship that makes you willing to work hard at "fixing" the sex part in order to maintain it........ Maybe there is enough of something in this relationship that you are willing to keep working on the relationship}}
Good post JJ. I think this is why many of us DBers stay and do the work we do.
LP, I wish I had something to help you in your situation. Would you or BF go for living in seperate houses 1 or 2 days a week to reduce the fusion ( or stale mate) between you two so he gets the seriousness of your frustrations? Would he try more things out of his comfort zone if he did not have your availability everyday?
OG Lou {{"but you want it to be hard, don't you?".}} My first thought too.
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