Kind of a dumb question, but I was just thinking about this today. Does anyone else have trouble feeling that you're sexy when the person you want to make you feel that way just doesn't seem to be interested? I know there are a lot of things that I can do just for me, but that just doesn't seem to be possible with this.
I suspect this question is aimed mostly at the females here but I know that the total absence of interest by the spouse plays havoc with my self confidence. Losing one's confidence is definitely not sexy and I struggle with this amidst feelings of loneliness, self doubt and depression - again these feelings impact on my self image. I know these feelings are not particularly rational and that our total absence of a sex life has little to do with me, but who said feelings are rational?
Ditto on what monk said. I feel like I am beginning to mirror my W's asexuality. Sometimes I look at my penis as something I just use to pass urine. It used to do some other things, but I'm having trouble remembering what those things were.
Quote: Does anyone else have trouble feeling that you're sexy when the person you want to make you feel that way just doesn't seem to be interested? I know there are a lot of things that I can do just for me, but that just doesn't seem to be possible with this.
I have to tell you that it is possible. I wouldn't have believed it a year ago, but at this point I would say overcoming this POV has been my greatest success. Did you regard yourself as a sexy person before your SSM? Did other partners regard you as sexy? If you invited the milkman into your bedroom this morning, would he regard you as a sexy woman? If you posted a picture of yourself all "dolled up" on this BB or described one of your best sex "recipes" would the HD guys start drooling? If you went to VS and splurged a bit and checked yourself out in the mirror, would that help?
Part of the problem might be that you are semi-consciously making yourself unsexy in order to better emotionally cope with your situation. For instance, you might be telling yourself that there's no point in buying attractive nightgowns because then you might hope for attention and be hurt when you don't get it. Or you might tell yourself that it's a waste of money to get your legs waxed because nobody's going to touch your legs besides you. Or you might enjoy reading erotica, but you avoid it because you don't want to get all hot and bothered with no companion but yourself. If this sounds like you, then the reason that you feel unsexy is that you are an HDW swaddling yourself from pain or fear in LD behavior. This is a way of avoiding confrontation.
When I went to my HS reunion this summer, I wore a sexy dress and I didn't hide the fact that I was wearing a sexy dress from my H. This drove him crazy and sparked a confrontation. I could have dressed more conservatively or less attractively or I could have snuck out of the house before he could see what I was wearing and avoided the confrontation but I didn't. The result was I felt like I looked great at my reunion and enjoyed the attention I got from my middle-aged nerd former classmates and I didn't violate my integrity by being dishonest and sneaking out. My H was left home to contemplate why he didn't want to have sex with me and why the fact that he didn't have sex with me made him nervous when confronted with the fact that others might find me sexy.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Aside from the lingerie, I do all of those things. I've even tried the lingerie route with no results. I want to look the best that I can for ME:) And I do get looks from other men...just not from the man I want to look at me with desire.
My H and I have been together for over 5 years now (married for 2.5), and he has never ever wakened me because he was horny - not even in the morning. I have not experienced this in any other relationship. I can truly say that he's been really passionate when ML twice in our relationship (0 times since being married), and he was drunk both times. He loves to touch as long as it isn't intimate touching. He has been dutiful about ML once a week, so my sitch isn't as bad as many; he also takes out the trash once a week with the same level of enthusiasm.
I'm seriously thinking abouting going back to our first C on my own; I do need some help dealing with all of this.
Absolutely I have a very hard time feeling sexy/attractive when my H doesn't seem to want anything to do with me sexually. I've explained this to him time and time again.
I finally had to really lay things on the line for him and tell him how not feeling sexy/attractive affects other things in my life too...how I interact with him, my self-esteem, self-confidence etc.
After a year of working on things he's finally really starting to make some progress on trying to make me feel sexy. No, he doesn't just jump my bones (yet)...but he's becoming for physically affectionate....which a year ago I felt he avoided me like the freaking plague!
Your H sounds quite a bit like mine. Just a few weeks ago I had to address his lack of enthusiasm about ML. He was fine with our schedule of once a week...but he'd sit back and wait for me to do EVERYTHING...I finally told him that wasn't acceptable. I explained that he needed to not only be present so we could ML, he needed to participate as well.
I'm getting better at really communicating how his actions (or lack thereof) affect me...I'm finding this is making the biggest impact for us. I'm becoming a better communicator...he's learning to really listen and understand.
Being a guy reading this I wanted to comment. My WAW did not like our sex life, I was horny, she was not. We would try for once a week to satisfy me, but her lieing there as I push in and out was not very good. There was no passion. Now I am separtated, that is what I long for.( passion) I do not understand why a man would not be interested in his wife. That was one of the reasons I did not marry young. (I married at 30) I never thought I could find one person that could hold my interest for the long term. Sex is very important in a relationship and should be respectful and mutual. I only wish mine could have been better. As for the guy at home when the wife gets dressed up and goes out....was I out of my head, (did not do anything bad) just could not sleep, eat, and breathing was difficult. The mind races to thoughts of the worst possible solution. I will stop here but I think woman are great, beatiful, deserve great respect, and oh ya, sexy. R :
Thanks for the uplifting comments. My situation is a bit different than many of the HDW's on here...my H literally has never learned to initiate sex...because he was never allowed to (married a couple of very controlling women who used sex as a weapon to tear him down).
Sorry for the hijack here...but I noticed that as my feelings of "sexiness" dwindled and my self-esteem took a nose-dive I did less and less to make myself appealing or sexy...it was becoming a vicious cycle. It's very hard to try to make yourself sexy, when you don't feel sexy...know what I mean. I noticed this one day when I looked in the mirrow...I thought "Geesh, I wouldn't want to ML to that either!" That was a pretty harsh statement about myself, as I normally view myself in a much better light...but I noticed outwardly I was becoming the person I felt I was inside....that had to change, and PRONTO!
I am a very attractive woman, even without makeup and my extra pounds since our son. But I had stopped wearing makeup on the weekends, ran around in my "slob clothes" more often, and would just pull my hair into a braid or pony-tail rather than take the time to do it like I normally would. I was dressing more for the ease of caring for my son on the weekends and wasn't dressing for my H or myself for that matter. It dawned on me when I was standing there looking in that mirror...that I didn't think I was worth the effort anymore.
What's my point? Now I make the effort to make sure I take the time to do my hair, makeup etc. So I reflect the woman I want to become again. I mean...my H liked the sexy clothes I wore when we met...and no, I may not be able to fit into my leather pants again (yet)...but I wear the low-cut tops etc that I know he likes...and that I liked to wear before our S.
Those are changes I'm trying to make, and the effort seems to have been noticed my by H.
