Excellant advice and thats what I am going to do. H has been very concerned about me the past two days. Told me yesterday OW was not in office. Never would have told me that before. Told me he is glad the "pressure" if off. H told me this morning in bed " I know its hard to beleive but the whole 6 months I was back home here I never had the intention of leaving you " I said I have difficult beleiving that because I do not understand" and H response was "I Know". Its strange but I do beleive H didnt want to leave me. He was not miserable home here the last 6 months. There were times when he seemed way off but I am sure he has been confused. I do beleive that H got "in too deep". I will believe this but I am going to be cautious and at the same time keep up my PMA and be the best wife and friend I can be.
Inspiring. I want to be that way too. I want to be his friend, a good wife, but as it is right now, he just isn't ready. He hasn't asked it of me, he can't be a dad or husband right now either. He really needs to work on just being himself and finding himself back again. He has no idea of who his is or what he wants. Good luck.Me
Each experience in life has formed me, become part of me, made me stronger.
Trust but verify... Good advise, but can be tricky to accomplish. I don't think Mellanie or any of us would say only believe what you can prove. But rather, snooping and spying will only bring you down and distract you from your focus.
Just don't believe everthing he tells you.
Trust your gut. Trust your inner voice. Trust God or whatever higher power you might believe in.
I think maybe I would say, trust in God, look for answers when you don't understand something or feel like something just doesn't "fit".
People lie for one of only a very few reasons,the most common: They are more afraid of the consequences of the truth.
They are MORE afraid of the consequences of the truth.
In other words, they lie because they fear the truth will be worse. You need to make sure that it is good, okay, safe and better for your H to tell you the truth.
For a spouse to admit what he has done, or is feeling, it is just as important for your reaction to be one that does not punish him for telling the truth. Now this may mean you have to earn an Academy Award for acting, but when he does tell you something that you asked about and the answer is devatating......You must remember that if you want him to continue to tell the truth, you musn't punish him or making him wish he hadn't told you!!! Or he will not continue to tell you the truth.
Telling something difficult to your spouse requires a level of trust. Be glad he is willing to trust enough that he will tell you.
There will come a time when you can let YOUR feelings about what he has told you known, but for the moment let him tell you what he can and accept that you can handle whatever he tells you. This is a gift you give to yourself as well as to him.
It takes your relationship to a level that says I will not retalliate against you for what you have told me, I will listen and weigh what you have said and then give you a response that reflects my thought on the matter.
I wlll not tell you this is easy to do....in fact it may seem an impossiblity.......but you must if you ever want to grow in the relationship to a point where you can BOTH tell unpleasant or uncomfortable things to each other and know you will somehow come through together,
And you can do this? I can understand if H wants to tell me that he would rather have balogna instead of ham, but what if it's something really big, like he's spending the weekend with OW at a nice B&B out of town? How are we to receive that info calmly? If we're D, I could tolerate it, but not even separated?
Sorry, letting my own sitch take over here. Just curious how to put your suggestions to good use. Me
Each experience in life has formed me, become part of me, made me stronger.
What a difference a day makes. I have my doubts about H wanting to make a go of it and get OW out of his life once and for all. H says only one email from OW this week. I dont beleive it , this woman loves him more than anything and will do anything to be with him. I found a way to log into his office workmail.... and there it was tons of emails all this week back and forth about love and how hard it is and etc etc. I looked like at the beginning of the week H wanted to end it but just couldnt. They found time together this week to kiss and hug and who know what else. I confronted H this morning shaking and all and told him its over. Hes begging and begging. I am finally done. I cant beleive a word out of his mouth. I know kids will be crushed but my husband is in love with another woman. I do believe he loves me but it is no longer enough. I am so mad now and I know its going to change to hurt and emotions any minute. I am going to be strong. I told him he has to be out tomorrow and we need to tell the kids. I hope he goes because I want it to be over and no more emotion between us.
But actually to answer your question more directly:
YES. The more important things are the ones you want to do this with!!..........Not listening when your H says ham not bologna is not fatal to your marriage....at least if things are that bad, what you do won't matter much at all at the moment. ....................HOWEVER,
When a spouse has something important to tell, share, or confess.... THESE are the times when you most need your core of inner strength. The one that lets you listen to the MOST disturbing news.(Like I'm going to a B&B with my OW!!)
Is it easy .....NO.
But married, separated or divorced, these are the times that will determine the outcome of your relationship.
Yes, it will take a HUGE amount of self control to "Not React".. to whatever they have to tell you.......but if your marriage is ever going to stand a chance....it is vital.
Do You mean if you were "D" you would be able to detach yourself from the emotional impact of his words better than if you were still married or seperated???
Maybe, but
Well, the point is you need to become DETACHED in order to save your marriage................BEFORE you end up seperated or divorced.
If you can accomplish this...it sends the message to your spouse that you care more about "HIS" feelings than you do about your own.......(Believe me there WILL come a time when you will be able to talk about your feelings about this...in fact it will come when he feels most safe and secure with you....which doing the listening now will encourage.)
Which is the point.
Usually they are LONG convinced that YOU don't care as much about THEM but rather you have IGNORED their feelings to the point where they go elsewhere looking for understanding.
If you have read DB or DR you will undoubtledly come across a section about "Acting As If".......
"As If" in this case means, that you care about what they are saying to you. It means you act as if you are mature and caring enough to want to hear what they have to say without taking out your rage, anger, fear, uncertaintly or whatever else you are feeling on THEM!
That you are putting them FIRST in this instance.... That you will put aside your own pain and try and see theirs.
This tells them in an extremely profound way (without saying it) that they matter... That their feelings and thoughts come first....(perhaps something the OW has been doing!!!!??????)
Now, Lord knows you aren't made of stone.
This is going to hurt.
But YOU have other ways to deal with your feelings......
Like friends, councelors, the BB here, walking, exercising, work, hobbies...a million things that help you "get through".....
The next point is..... You're trying to foster trust here.
Trust, that they can tell you their real feelings and thoughts.
No matter what they are.
You have the upper hand in a way....
NO "OW" is going to be THAT unselfless!!!!!! For very long.
THEY are going to start having their own needs and demands, and to be putting these upon your H!
But not you.
You are going to be strong, confident and caring.
Understanding. Patient. Supportive.
Yes, you have feelings and you don't have to suppress everything, but you can say something that lets them know you heard what they said and will consider what they said...and thanks them for sharing.
That's it. sweet and simple...only talking about what they want to tell you...no prying.
"Thank you for sharing, it means alot to me."
This sort of statement in no way demeans how YOU feel, OR gives appproval for what they are doing. It just says you are listening and understand and are not judging. But you are also not being a doormat for them.
Your positiveness, courage and spirit will win out every time.
Who could think less of a person who shows soooo much class and and self assuredness!!??
You will be the calm and security in a sea of uncertainty.
Be assured that inside he is a raging sea of uncertainty. About most everything. Himself. His family. His faith. The OW. His friends. Look what he's doing!! How could you think anyone who is behaving the way he is has much certainty AT ALL!!
No matter what he SAYS.....it is a false bravado. This front he puts on that says:
"I know what I want and this is it!"
Maybe another way to look at this is to say:
if I had something to tell my spouse and knew he was going to be angry at me...would I WANT to tell him? If he yelled and threatened me when I told him would I want to share MORE?????
Probably not.
You have to be willing to NOT punish the person for doing what YOU WANT THEM TO DO. TELL THE TRUTH.
I'm so sorry to read your last post. It's one thing to think something is going on, another thing to have your worst fears come true. I always wanted my suspicions to be proved wrong. Unfortunately, that didn't happen very often.
Maybe this will be a wake up call for him. Maybe he will finally realize all he has to lose.
I'm saying a prayer for you.
Each experience in life has formed me, become part of me, made me stronger.
Very emotional weekend. I found all the emails and that H has been carrying on with OW since he moved home. He says he has tried to break it off a couple of times. Remember he works with her in a very small office. What confuses me so much is at first when he moved home it was tough. But after several months things were better, even great at times. H clearly was not miserable at home. Our S life was very active, we did family things, went home to New England for christmas and were even planning to buy a second vacation home. So can he really be in love with two women. Anyway back to the events of this weekend. He says its over with OW this time and he doesnt want to lose me. Says he will do everything to prove it to me. So on Saturday H talk to OW and tell him he has to get out and look for apartment. Then in the early morning of Sunday H gets up and is begging me to give it one more try. Tells me he will do anything to prove it to me. Show cell phone records, emails etc etc. He says hes not leaving because he is going to show me that its finally over with OW. Sunday morning OW calls and H tell me about it. He just said to her "I cant talk right now". Hangs up and shuts his phone off for the remainder of the day. Now this is really big with H. He has been addicted to the phone and calling her etc etc. Not returning the phone call to OW definetly sends the message. This morning H turns on cell phone and says he has 5 messages. H and I leave for work and H says to me not to worry. H sends me a copy of email he send to OW saying it is over finally and they need to get on with their own lives.. Now when I was so angry yesterday I sent email to OW in which I forwarded to her a copy of an email H just sent me this week telling me how sorry he is for everything and how he is looking forward to spending the rest of our lives together. I told H I did it so . OW call me this morning and leaves a message.. I am so sorry I caused so much pain to you and your family, I am a victim here. If I knew the things I now know I never would have done it etc etc. So H has cut if off,, will it be for good this time. H evidently was telling OW something totally different.. like he was waiting for right time to tell me etc etc. Do you think OW really thought we werent having S for the last 6 months. How could anyone be so naive. Remember H didnt have to move home 6 months ago he chose to come home. OW says she told him to go and try to make it work in the marriage because if he didnt he would never know. So she must of though he tried and failed and was waiting to move back out. So now I have to wait and see. Is it really over? OW is angry today but just she will calm down and probably want him back... maybe not. Will this now truly end. I quess I have to wait and see Its been quite a rollercoaster ride
I wish you the best of everything. You must be exhausted. I've compared this whole thing to a marathon. I think that I can't make it to the end, not sure where the end is, hoping it's just around the bend, wanting to give up, but if this is the last little bit of this long ordeal, then I don't want to give up right before the victory.
Each experience in life has formed me, become part of me, made me stronger.
but when he does tell you something that you asked about and the answer is devatating......You must remember that if you want him to continue to tell the truth, you musn't punish him or making him wish he hadn't told you!!! Or he will not continue to tell you the truth.
....................HOWEVER,
