Now see, that is the way to do it the right way. I wish I had, had a conversation like that with my husband
I'm tired and going to bed so won't write much. Just wanted you to know that I've read about the wonderful, non-sexual intimate connect you and your husband have managed to make and that my heart feels full.
How sad that he has been telling himself for years that he is not "normal." My ex husband is a jerk, a real creep who let his fears of love, sex and all that goes with it destroy so much. Even after all he has done I can't help but feel sorry for him cause I know without a doubt he is still walking around thinking he is not "normal."
Do me a favor and do some research on what, other than low testosterone can cause a lack of desire. Do some looking into the psychological aspects of low desire. Be armed and ready for something else just incase the blood test comes back normal. My fear at this point would be that he would be very let down if that happened and go even deeper into his belief that he is not normal. Can't have that happening!!
Congratulations, you must feel quite pleased with yourself and your husband.
That was a wonderful post. You obviously have a very loving marriage which will be a great foundation for working things out. My H also experiences a lot of "shame" type feelings - it seems a lot of men have these and they seem to interfere with many aspects of their life. Good for you for acknowledging these. Good luck. I look forward to hearing good things about you two.
Hi! I wanted to post another update even though H hasn't seen the endrocrinologist yet.
TSSM arrived a couple of days ago and I read it that evening. It's a pretty quick read, especially after having read so much more info here. I did skip some parts about the physical problems confronting women, mainly, since that didn't apply, but I may read that later just for future reference.
One thing which did stand out to me though was regarding the honesty of my H's statement about always being low desire. Mandksdad had brought this up, and I was a little surprised as I hadn't doubted H's assertion but I did pause for thought at this:
> Well what about those two-a-days 16 years ago? I don't > believe for a minute he was just performing to keep you > happy.
This is directly addressed in TSSM. For some LD people, the excitement of a new (like, first year) relationship can be just the trigger their libidos need to make them want sex more often. Their romantic and sexual lives are at the forefront of their minds and they just feel more sexual. This leads to the old "bait and switch" argument when the novelty/honeymoon phase comes to a close and their true libido level kicks in. It sure describes our experience to a 't'.
So I guess I'm sticking up for H a little here - I did believe him, and I'm glad I did. YMMV as always, all circumstances are different.
Anyway, I am one happy girl this morning! Something Michele said in her book made me think of a food analogy. She mentioned that some people don't experience the desire -> arousal chain in the same way. I thought about this and remembered all of the times H has said "you know, I wasn't hungry until you said something about dinner". So last night after we ate I massaged his shoulders and whispered in his ear "Ya know how sometimes you say that just thinking about food makes you hungry? How about we meet in the bedroom later and talk about some gourmet cookin'." And then giggled, I couldn't help it.
He grinned! I left him alone (well, you know what I mean, didn't press the point) and he went off to do some work on an application he's writing for his cell phone. (Fun, fun stuff. <yawn>)
So I go into the bedroom to read a book about Norma Shearer and only about 20 minutes goes by before he comes in and shuts the bedroom door behind him with a kind of silly look on his face.
Woo hoo! And that's all the detail I shall give.
Oh yeah, about the endrocrinologist. I called our insurance company to ask for advice on what sort of specialist to see. The nurse there recommended the endrocrinologist as there are no erectile dysfunction issues for us to address in this particular case; if there had been, she said she would have recommended going to a urologist first. She asked me H's symptoms (low libido, weight gain in breast area, depression and irritability being the ones that concern me the most) and agreed that his testosterone levels needed to be checked. She gave me three endrocrinologist referrals and I gave the list to H and he called yesterday to set up an appointment.
Why did I do the research even up to calling the insurance company for advice? Well, it's still tough for him and I can understand that. I have to give him credit for not procrastinating now that he knows it's time to step up to the plate, though.
We're still in the beginning but I think the knots are loosening and I really do feel confident that one day we'll get them untied.
Thank you to everyone for your thoughts and support, it has really helped me (and my H) through a lot of confusion and upset.
Now I will shut up until the tests come back!
No, wait - one last thing. I was FURIOUS when I was reading an article on some "trusted medical information source" website that said low libido in men "rarely occurs" and almost never has a physical cause but is a sign of "latent gayness"! Argh! The Web can be a great research tool but it does have its share of bozos.
H called the endocrinologist last week and found that he had to go to our GP to get a blood test first. This seemed pretty silly to me, could no one in the specialist's office draw blood? But anyway, that meant a little more of a wait to get in to see our GP.
Actually that seemed to work out well. H told our doctor (whom we both like tremendously) that he wanted his testosterone levels checked and gave his reasons why. She agreed that he needed blood work done, and added that she was also going to run two more tests, for anemia and for thyroid. She said that thyroid problems can have the exact same symptoms as low testosterone. This is something that neither H or I knew. Another feather in our doctor's cap, instead of just saying "yeah, uh huh, whatever, hold out your arm" she seemed to be familiar with causes of low libido in men.
So now we have to wait until next Tuesday for the results. I told H again how much I appreciated his bravery in doing something about the issue. He told me that in a way he was relieved to know there might be other causes of his lack of libido, as that expanded the options for correcting it.
I know that he is making a tremendous effort, not just with making (and keeping) appointments with doctors, but he seems to also be making a conscious effort to think about sex more often. He has initiated twice since the New Year and we've been averaging twice a week - two VERY satisfying times per week.
I've been trying my best to keep it low-key until I know he's okay with it, and then have been trying to really up the enthusiasm and make our times special. Some of the toys and lingerie that have been put away are again seeing the light of day! Well, the light of candles, mostly.
On the one down note of all of this, my best friend is no longer speaking to me, apparently. Right before all of this came to the crisis point I confided in her about how unhappy I was and she demanded that I "dump" (her word) my H and get on with my life. Now that we're working on resolving our problems she seems... I don't know. Angry, I guess. I'm sorry about that, but I don't have the emotional energy to really deal with that right now.
quote: ------------- On the one down note of all of this, my best friend is no longer speaking to me, apparently. Right before all of this came to the crisis point I confided in her about how unhappy I was and she demanded that I "dump" (her word) my H and get on with my life. Now that we're working on resolving our problems she seems... I don't know. Angry, I guess. I'm sorry about that, but I don't have the emotional energy to really deal with that right now. -------------
Weird always jumps out at me. Can you tell us more about your relationship with your friend?
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
NOPkins, I've known her for years. She lives in Minnesota (I live in Georgia). She's in her 50's (she has never told me exactly how old she is! haha) and is married with two kids. Her husband is, how shall I put this... something of a problem. He's addicted to gambling and has caused their family a lot of heartache and financial problems. Her two kids are amazing though.
My friend is also a cancer survivor (as is her daughter - they had a tough couple of years there). I tried to be there as much as I could for her, though of course living so far apart I don't get to see her physically as often as I would like, though we keep, well "kept" in touch almost daily via email and telephone.
Now my emails and voicemails go unanswered after our last conversation. I told her that H and I had had a kind of epiphany right before Christmas and a lot of things had been said that needed to be said, and that both of us were committed to rectifying our situation. I told her that her assertion he was having an affair had happily turned out to be untrue and that things were looking good for us.
After that there was just pretty much silence but I thought she was just letting me have my say, if you know what I mean. She just basically reiterated that she cared about me and didn't want me to be hurt and that I deserved better. I thought we hung up on cordial terms but I guess not.
Even during her darkest hours when she was sick she returned my voicemails, and when I call and her son answers he just politely says she can't come to the phone right now.
So I guess I'm in the doghouse for not leaving my H. It could be that she wants me to leave so she will have an excuse to leave hers as well, I have no idea. She's talked about it for years but doesn't want to for the sake of the kids (they're both in their 20s, it's not like they're toddlers or anything).
I dunno. I'd hate for a friendship to end because of this, and I've emailed her that. But I dunno.
Quote: So I guess I'm in the doghouse for not leaving my H. It could be that she wants me to leave so she will have an excuse to leave hers as well,
Your friend could be projecting her own desires onto you and is pissed because you are refusing to not do what she wishes she could do. Sometimes we can become impatient and unforgiving of others when they won't live out our fantacy. Hopefully you will hear from her again and the friendship will get back on track.
I'm hoping your husband's testosterone levels are in the gutter!! When my ex tested low and started treatment he couldn't keep his hands off of me. It was heaven. So, here is wishing you a bit of heaven. Cathy
H just called me, the results of his testosterone test came back just now. With a normal range of 300 to 1200, he tested at 209. Yow.
H has a follow-up appointment with the doctor tomorrow at 3. I'm going to go with him to see what she has to say about testosterone replacement therapy and the issues around that.
He couldn't really say much on the phone as he wasn't in private, but I did ask him how he felt about the diagnosis and he said he wasn't scared, that there were treatments that didn't involve injections in his eyeballs or anything, and that he would rather deal with this than going to the dentist. (It just about takes an act of God to get him to the dentist, so I believe him!)
I'm going to skim Michelle's book again to see what kind of positive reinforcements I can give him tonight when we have a chance to talk about the test results.
A special note to Cathy47 - Thank you from the bottom of my heart for letting me know about the issue of low testosterone. It may seem small to you, but you did a great thing for us.
Something Michele said in her book made me think of a food analogy. She mentioned that some people don't experience the desire -> arousal chain in the same way. I thought about this and remembered all of the times H has said "you know, I wasn't hungry until you said something about dinner". So last night after we ate I massaged his shoulders and whispered in his ear "Ya know how sometimes you say that just thinking about food makes you hungry? How about we meet in the bedroom later and talk about some gourmet cookin'." And then giggled, I couldn't help it.
