I need some help. I'm a HDW (Physical Touch/LL) with a LowerDH (WoA/LL). We've argued about sex for over 20 years. My problem is that I don't want to have sex with him anymore.
Once or twice a month, he will drink too much and complain how I'm not a supportive W, don't appreciate all that he does, etc. He's sometimes told me that I'm not a good person and that other W show him the appreciation that I don't. It seldom gets physically abusive, but he has hit me a few times (shoulders, arms and chest).
I just feel like crap. I don't respect him or myself for living like this. I don't want him to touch me and I don't want to live like this any longer. He's a good man overall, but this has worn me down. I would never have imagined that something would become more important to me than sex, but this has.
I've told him many, many times that this is not acceptable to me. He agrees that he shouldn't do it, but makes excuses beforehand about how he's not perfect and can't be expected to never do it again. I'm at the end of my rope. I don't want to divorce for the sake of my children and religious reasons.
What I'm about to say may sound a bit harsh, but I'm saying it as someone who's 'been' there. No, my H doesn't drink, and he's only been very mildly physically abusive on a couple of occasions, but I've put up with the emotional drain for years, I understand how you feel.
Quote: I don't want to divorce for the sake of my children and religious reasons.
I can't think of two better reasons for getting out of the M. If he's been physically abusive, he can, and probably will again. Has he ever threatened the kids? Even if he hasn't, how do you think they feel knowing Dad is doing that to Mom?
It's the hardest thing in the world to admit you're in an abusive R, I know, I'm having to do it myself, and my H has 'only' pushed me once, slapped me a couple of times (early in the R), mostly 'just' emotional, verbal abuse.
I would say don't try to have sex with him, that will bring out a whole other dimention, get to counseling, as fast as you can, at least for yourself if he won't. Even if he's willing, I would suggest you going separatly, at least for a while in the beginning.
He's got issues - alcohol, anger issues, which he MUST address before you can even begin to think about working on other areas of your M. And he can't do it alone, and you can't do it for him.
The best thing you can do for yourself, and your kids, is put a lot of distance between you. If you haven't already, get an exit plan together - a way out, quick, if you need to. Talk to someone, a close friend, family member you can trust, let them know what's going on, in case you need help.
Here's a link to a site about abusive Rs: verbal abuse site. Read, Read, read some more, and join the list, there are a lot of women there who've been through what you're going through and can offer a lot of support and advice.
Sorry for the thinly-veiled disguise. I was hoping for a fresh look at my sitch without the "we know too much about you" background.
The sitch described is mine with two differences. First (and most obvious) is that the roles are reversed. (No...I didn't get a sex change for Christmas. ) Second, the cause of the 1-2 times per month outburst isn't alcohol, it's "stress".
Consequently, I've come up with a new plan for 2005. I'm going LD! (Or ND.) I really mean it. It's the obvious solution for me, although I don't know how to do it.
JJ and HP were talking on another thread about it being different for the HDW because the H wouldn't ever be turned off to sex just because the W was LD. I can definitely say that doesn't fit my case. JJ asked a few weeks ago what would make a H not respond to his W fondling her breasts. I think it was HD that answered "lack of respect". That's where I am because of the long term LD behavior and the continuing (although lessening) outbursts of anger.
Thanks to the responders! It's nice to hear another POV.
barney, First of all, I was talking about how the mere FACT that a man is LD is a turnoff for me, not the fact that LD behavior over the course of the years can turn their spouse ND because it is just so unattractive. I doubt the fact that your wife's libido is lower than yours has always been a turnoff for you--you knew to expect that in a woman. I am sorry to hear that your attraction to her is taking a nosedive. I've been there and it is a very scary place to be. I hope that you continue to work on things and get to a point where you enjoy being around each other again.
It sounds like you two have much deeper issues than sex. (don't we all?)
Here is a question for you: What is the consequence if she loses her temper again? What motivation does she have to not do this anymore?
honeypot wrote {{your wife's libido is lower than yours has always been a turnoff for you--you knew to expect that in a woman}}
HP, why is it OK for a W to turn LD and not OK for a man to be LD. or am I reading (you knew to expect that in a woman) I have to defend us sexually deprived men here on the BB, who are trying to make the M work and not seperate or D.
I empathise with women who find sex something other than pleasant and choose to give off distancing vibes to their H. I wish more W's would just accept the fact that many H have T, are horney because they have T, and there is little a man that has high T can do to think away all sexual thought he has, and assept celibacy (HD).
To me its like telling a person they can drink untill their blood alochol content / level is .3 but the W forbids them to act drunk. When your BAC is .3 you are impaired.
I am not excusing corse behavior and saying men should be allowed to get anytime they want it. I do understand the feelings you HD ladies have about your LDH's. I do not buy in that it's something men should accept and women should not. I think that LD is a problem for both sexes. Not trying to bust anyones chops. Just putting in my 2 cents worth that I was pounded over the head with when "I" was in a "Womens Issues" class in college. Tyrn about is fair play
Lou, I was NOT saying that it is okay in a woman but not in a man.
Here is what I am saying (and I don't mean to speak for all HDW's either): The mere fact that my H is LD is a bit of a turnoff for me.
I would expect that this is not the case with the guys because the guys know to expect that their wives will not have a higher sex drive than they do. So when they are faced with a wife who desires sex less than them, they are perplexed about the situation but the MERE FACT that her drive is lower than his does not make him think, Ewwwwwww!
It is a huge marital problem no matter whose drive is lower or higher--the fact that you have two people who don't agree on sex is a case of TNT waiting to go off. So I wasn't meaning to minimize the guys' situation whatsoever.
In fact, I would imagine that us HDW's have an easier time of it IF we are successful in getting our mates to work on things, simply because the guys do have testosterone and are biologically driven to pursue sex. At least in theory right!
I think you're way off base here. It's true that there are differences between HDM and HDW since our societal stereotype is horny man and demure woman, but this isn't one of them. More than one of us HDM have commented about the constant rejection making us lose interest in our W's. I think the way I put it was that I haven't lost interest in sex, I've just lost interest in sex with W. It's just that after so long, you become conditioned not to think of your LD partner in a sexual way. I don't know that the LD itself is the turnoff, but the constant absence of desire just conditions you, first not to expect sex, then not to even think of the person in a sexual way.
Yeah I know exactly what you mean, WB. I have gone through that myself.
I think that probably crosses the gender barriers, for sure.
I just meant that...when you were dating and looking for a mate...you did not come across a girl whose sex drive was lower than yours and think, Wtf is the matter with her? That's not normal!
You knew (or had been conditioned to believe) that this was something to expect.
The fact that I live with a guy who sometimes acts demure is yuck to me. Do YOU think a man acting demure is all that attractive? I don't think this is me hanging on to some outdated gender bias here, I think it is just a fact of life that men acting demure is bass ackwards.
Of course, there are people who say that women acting sexually assertive is bass ackwards and I'd be the first to argue that point, so who's to say what's NORMAL right?
Well, actually, being good Christian kids, there was no sex before marriage. She seemed affectionate enough with the hugging, kissing, holding hands, etc. Who would have guessed that that was all there was?
IOW, it wasn't until AFTER we were married that I found that I had a girl whose sex drive was lower than mine. I loved her then, and 29 years later, I still love her. But had I known that she had almost no sex drive and found anything more than kissing to be distasteful, It's doubtful that we would have gone through with the wedding. From this end of the 29 years, I'm glad we did marry, but...
) Second, the cause of the 1-2 times per month outburst isn't alcohol, it's "stress". 