Hi all. I'm new to this and after reading threads for the pst 3 hrs, decided to jump in... however, I'm still not sure how this works. Anyway, here goes...
H and I have been S for 2 mnths now. we are on a 6/mnth "trial S" whatever that means. I'm miserable and have finally accepted that I am to blame for this S. My H is the SSM and has been for over 4 years... our entire marriage. After reading the different posts, I can't believe i thought things were ok. I've deprived this man of ML for so long... he's such a strong, secure individual and I've stripped him of that. All for for PRIDE!! I've always seen ML as something he has to earn, not something he needs. Anyway, that's something I'm in C for and am working on. In the meantime, I need lots of good advice.
H and I have been close (very good friends which is probably why I failed to bring intimacy to our M) for sooo long. We both love each other very much. He wanted this seperation b/c he just couldn't live like this anymore (sex-deprived.) Now that he's completely opened up to me and I feel I've lost him, I want him so bad I can't stand it! He understandably has built up walls at this point that he won't let down. He doesn't won't to ML because he feels he will be cheating me... he is unsure of how in-love he is with me now after having to FIND unattractive things about me for so many years just to be able to fall asleep at night. How in the hell do I get back in to his heart and show him that I now understand? I'm not sure I would trust me if I were him either... imagine, 4 years of rejection. Yes, we ML within these 4 yrs, but I never initiated anything. What the hell was I thinking? Now, unfortunately too late... I need him, want him and want a whole new marriage that is healthy sexually. Is it too late? Any advice from people on the opposite end of the spectrum?
This probably makes no sense... I feel I'm babbling.
gettingby wrote {{Any advice from people on the opposite end of the spectrum?}}
Welcome to the rollercoaster ride troubled relationships generate. We need more low sex drive women (LDW) and men(LDH) here that are working on being more sexal with their spouse. Most posters are HD coupled to a LD spouse. Some spouses I would consider no drive. Sorry you are experiencing a seperation, but glad you found DivorceBusting.com.
First, to answer your question. Getting brutally honest with yourself first and then your H. For starters tell him your position about this:
{{I've always seen ML as something he has to earn, not something he needs. }} (in a good relationship you need it (sex or ML/LM ) too)
Tell his why you thought this (earned sex)was normal and tell him why you were wrong. Tell him how much you see your position caused the state he is in now. Ask him how he felt while you held off the ML
Ask for forgiveness and state you do not want to put him through that again. Get a plan to not allow that to happen again and tell him about it. Ask him if he approves of the plan and ask him if he sees any faults or if he sees things he would like to change in your plan.
In the meantime read
"Divorce Remedy" (DR) By Michele Weiner-Davis 2001, (Good Marriage firstAid)
"The Five Love Languages" (5LL), Gary Chapman
"Passionate Marriage" (PM)
"Resurrecting Sex (RS), by Ph. D. David Schnarch 2002
"The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands". Dr. Laura Schlessinger, 2004
www.marriagebuilders.com has several helpful marrital ideas. Check them out. The concept of "Love Bank" was helpful to me.
Eventhough the titles some of these books might lead you to think sex, sex, sex you still need to know you do not have to be a sex slave or be just domestic help to your H. You still deserve respect and nurturing from your H.
There are concepts in the books that explain some common needs people have, how to meet the most important needs without giving up yourself, quit doing what is hight value to you and little value to your H, how to be a friend, learn when someone dissagrees with your idea it is not you they are rejecting, they just have a different opinion.
To help me, when I started reading the posts, I copied the abreviations to a wordprocessor file on my hard drive and had it open in another window while I read the posts. If you come across a new abrev. you can add it to the WP document.
Why am I here? My W likes things, I try to keep her happy, some things she wanted I did not, W got distant, started buying her things IE shopping addiction, led to 2 people living together with little emotional or sexual connection, lots of naging, more seperating emotionally and time wise and the downward list went on. I started to make changes. Some successful, others a waste of time. It is not easy but can be done.
HairDog here on SSM forum casn tell you how it feels to be in a SSM. So can several other guys and somen women. Sucks big time.
OG Lou Sometimes things improve, almost all of the time it takes too long.
You'll probably hear it a lot from this bunch, but my advice is to tell your H just exactly what you told us. Tell him you screwed up. Tell him that you know you hurt him with your behavior. Apologize. Tell him you love him. Tell him that you know things won’t be perfect right away, but that you’re committed to working to make it better. Ask him to help you. If he still has any feelings for you at all, he’ll respond. He’ll be guarded until he’s convinced that you really do intend to change things, but he’ll respond.
Hey, gettingby. It's always nice to see motivated LD spouses here. I'm sorry you're separated right now. At least you're not post-divorce. I'm where your husband was about a month before your separation. I have told my wife that I will not live indefinitely in a sexless marriage. After the first of the year, if things haven't improved, I intend to move out of the bedroom. I will move out of the house after that if things still don't improve.
What would it take to get me back after I'm out of the house? An honest commitment by my W to make physical intimacy (which includes sex, but is not limited to it) a healthy part of our marriage. To make that commitment, she must agree to a schedule. I intend this schedule to be one time a week. There's a lot more on "scheduled sex" here on the SSM board, but basically, that's it. Commitment, schedule, and basically, a willing and enthusiastic partner.
Good luck to you. You've come to a good place.
Hairdog, who has ML with his wife twice in 2004...but there's still NINE more days!!!
"You want blunt advice? I'm not hearing so much " I need him, want him and want a whole new marriage that is healthy sexually." as I do hear "I don't want to face starting all over." You've got to answer th question "do I covet sex with this man?"
First of all congrats on recognizing that there truly was/is a problem and taking responsibility for your part of it...that's a huge step in itself.
Second...I'm really glad you're in counseling now too. Now one should have to "earn" ML w/their spouse. That behavior was controlling/manipulative...and very, very hurtful. You say you did this because of pride. Pride is often a pretty general term, pride of what exactly? How high was the bar he had to reach in order for you to give in and ML to him?
My H and I are now dealing with the reprocussions of his previous M where his W did this same thing. Now, I'm not saying you did all the things his ex did at all...heck, you've recognized there's a problem...you're light-years ahead of her I'm just pointing out the damage it can do to someone. But before I get off on a ranting tangent...I'll curb myself back in and get to what you were asking about.
After reading your post the first thing that popped into my mind is this..."has she told him exactly what she's written here?" I mean hon, in this post you take responsibility for your part, recognize the problem, recognize how hurtful it's been, are seeking counseling, know now that you want/desire him etc. I'm thinking that if you communicate this clearly to him...and then ask for the time to prove it to him you'll probably be on a pretty good track.
As you've undoubtedly noticed on here...those of us who are the HD partner do feel very hurt, that hurt takes time to get over...and the trust is going to take time to rebuild. Be consistent, do the things you know he likes, do what turns him on...and be consistent about it. Don't give up...it may take awhile, but I think you have a great shot at not only regaining your marriage but also having a much better one than you ever imagined possible.
Congrats & Best of Luck GEL
P.S. Would you mind communicating what you've learned to other women out there who hold out on their H's as well?
Hi gettingby! I would not spend so much time telling him what you are thinking as showing him. Be affectionate and loving and make him aware that you want him. Try not to overwhelm him because he will see it all as a ploy to keep him around (which quite honestly, that is a lot of it right now..you would not be feeling this way if he had not dropped this bomb on you)
But it's clear that you really love him and want this to work, so get to work! Read SSM and implement the changes in yourself right away.
Have you given any thought to why you felt sex was something he had to earn? Any ideas on what you can do to change those feelings? Cause they are pushed to the background right now, because he has skaken up your R so much, but as soon as things to back to 'normal' so will your sex drive. You must change yourself first and then think about changing the dynamics of the relationship.
One (goofy) thing I have been doing lately is visualizing myself in situations and envisioning what I will do in that situation. How will I act, etc. These situations are the worst-case scenarios for me, so it is helpful to have a game plan in mind, as silly as that sounds.
So for you..I'm sure it is easy to imagine all the sexy things you'd do to him if you could have another chance at your marriage, but let's think a little farther down the road. Imagine yourself tired at the end of the day and slipping into some cozy pj's, only to realize that he is in the mood. What are you going to do? I mean, REALLY, what are you going to do and feel? Picture yourself handling it gracefully and with loving generosity.
Then start being that person right away. Show him how much you love him and be consistent with those changes. He wants to believe that you are sincere but he's been burned and will be understandably skeptical.
You can do this; a healthy and happy sex life is something that every couple deserves. You deserve it!
You have received some very good advice here. I would heed it. I would only add - do some things to take care of yourself in the meantime. Your H is angry and hurt and even while your behaviors change he won't believe it for a long time. Make sure you learn how to "soothe yourself" mentally so that you don't react and make things worse. Good luck.
GB- As usual, some great advice from the people on this board.
I'd like to echo the comment that once you're through this crisis (if you make it through), you will likely return to your normal (for you) low sex drive state. He's gotten your attention, and at this point, you're ready to do anything to get him back because the rejection hurts, you feel guilty for hurting him, you are afraid of divorce, etc. IF he comes back, things will return to the before-separation state VERY quickly, PLUS you will probably feel resentful toward him that he even put you through this-- so be prepared for that.
As Honey said (and it's not goofy at all-- in fact a series of books was written on this very technique: Inner Tennis, Inner Golf, etc.) picture future potential scenarios and picture how you will feel and how you will respond. Do this with your C.
YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO CHANGE-- AND THE CHANGES ARE GOING TO HAVE TO BE DEEP IF YOU WANT THIS TO WORK FOR THE LONG TERM.
You do need to get at the root of why you feel someone must earn sex. Does a child need to earn hugs and kisses? Does a DOG need to earn pets on the head? Well, maybe in your childhood, neither dogs nor children were petted until they earned it. IMHO sex should be a free exchange of affection, and not a reward for performance.
Alas, my BF does not see sex as a free exchange of affection... he also doesn't see it as a reward for performance... he sees it as wading into a murky swamp with all kinds of unseen dangers below the surface... don't know if that will ever change, and if it doesn't, our relationship will break. I can't live like this forever.
Everyone has their breaking point... your H may be past the point of repair and forgiveness... or he may simply not want to do all the "work" that will be necessary to get your R to the point where you are both fairly happy and fairly satisfied... frankly, I'm about at that point myself with my BF.
But you owe it to both of you to try. Good luck and do keep coming back. There are a lot of very smart people here who are quite experienced in these matters. Welcome.
I'm just pointing out the damage it can do to someone. But before I get off on a ranting tangent...I'll curb myself back in and get to what you were asking about.
