I was wondering if anybody has thoughts on whether they expect their sex life to pick up at all during the holiday season. I know in my case, there is no chance of any romance over the holidays compared to the balance of the year when the chance is merely unlikely.
I have also noticed that there is no chance of any romance around other major event times during the year such as birthdays, valentines day, anniversaries, major career milestones, thanksgiving, easter etc etc. Does any body else experience a better or worse time in their romantic relationship around these times?
After years of forced celibacy I sure don't see any differance for the chance of having sex based on the time of year or events. I think though for people with more normal relationships that you have a point and that sexual activity make pick up at certain times.
I'd have to say that if you're having problems with your SL and you aren't on a schedule of some type the answer is .... no. Things won't necessarily pick up just because it's the "season of giving".
Last year I didn't get it Christmas, New Years, Valentines Day, Our Anniversary, Mother's Day, or my Birthday. Come to think of it I didn't get it on any holiday. However since we started our schedule I have now had it 5 times in one month (just started the schedule in Nov.) That is just about how many times we ML last year in total.
GEL A scheduled approach to a sex life is beyond my wildest dreams at this point (I have long ago given up on the idea of passion and desire from my spouse).
Do you have any plans to alter your "schedule" or add some spice to your routine over the holidays? (perhaps a bit soon to ask for more than your current routine). I hope HairDog and others that have some vague hope of a sex life will have better luck over the holidays,
Quote: GEL A scheduled approach to a sex life is beyond my wildest dreams at this point (I have long ago given up on the idea of passion and desire from my spouse).
Do you have any plans to alter your "schedule" or add some spice to your routine over the holidays? (perhaps a bit soon to ask for more than your current routine). I hope HairDog and others that have some vague hope of a sex life will have better luck over the holidays,
Monk
In the words of my C...."Don't depend on your partner to make your sex life hot....you are solely responsible for your sex life and it's up to you how to make it happen within YOUR OWN moral parameters. If they aren't in the mood, then MB and be sexual without them (while making sure they know what you are doing)." The key is the part about "making a sex-life for yourself within your own moral parameters". You see, if I were hairdog or cemar, I would be posting this from the bedroom of some other woman's apartment by now.
The point is that you have to clearly communicate what you want, when you want it, how you like it (no matter how weird your desires are). Be supportive of the fact that your spouse isn't into it and don't beat them over the head. But carefully consider their unwillingness to meet your needs and try to help them overcome their aversion. Don't help them by "taking a hit" to your own principals. IE, don't say "I'm being such a good guy by not bugging you for sex"...just let them know when you are feeling frisky and deal with it if they aren't. Only get pissed if they reject you in a demeaning/disrespectful way.
Just remember, it's one thing for a spouse to be LD or whatever, but it's a bigger violation of the "spirit of marriage" to reject your partner's desires in an insensitive way. (note that rejection with humility and vulnerability is acceptable and loving). Mean rejections are like them saying "no...I won't have sex with you AND I don't want you ask again, AND your feelings are wrong because you should know by now that I'm just not a horny person...you should know better you schmuck". You are who you are...if you feel a certain way, don't apologize for it...it's who you are. That type of "training" is a perpetuated by "fusion fantasies" where your partner wants you to be a siamese twin who can predict their feelings etc. (we naturally rebel against the idea of being fused...that's why those of us who suck at setting boundaries, tend to move far away from our parents etc.).
I'm sorry for a weird post but I just got to say...if you want some action this xmas, it's going to take some candor with your spouse. Say "I would really like to have some intimate time with you this holiday which includes a bit more sex than usual..it would make this time of year more special for me". Then deal with the response.... * If nicely rejected, say - "I'm disappointed to hear that and I'm sorry that you have such an aversion to ML with me". * If rejected in a mean way, say - "I'm not going to apologize for feeling this way and your insistence that my feelings are 'wrong' is offensive to me".
It's very simple. Regardless of what they do, you are going to have to determine what's within your "moral parameters" for a good sex life and determine what it's worth to achieve it. I truly believe that acceptance of a disrespectful spouse is a sign of weakness and self-loathing and a lot of folks mistake their "violation of oneself" with "benevolent sacrifice"...it's a bunch of BS. Stand up for yourself and give your spouse a generous amount of time to prove their commitment to you (and to stop disrespecting you). After a while, if they are unwilling to "hear" you, then let your actions speak louder than your words by having a great sex life without them.
Gee dave, what do you mean? affair? mb? porn? Yes...whatever is in your moral parameters to prevent you from selling yourself out because the act of selling yourself out makes you less desirable to your spouse and you will just be an insecure, bloody carcass of a person when you start trying to date after an inevitable divorce.
Later.
-Dave (whose in a freakin' weird mood tonight...)
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
Very interesting resonse - did this approach really work for you? No - Really?
In my case rejection is usually in a sensitive way now - "I have told you I am not interested - I will let you know when I am" sort of sensitivity. Occassionally a few less words: "Leave me alone" or "That's all you ever think of". No matter what my response to this is we usually end up in a downhill spiral with no communication for several months. But perhaps this is worth yet another try.
Anyway Dave - thanks for the encouragement and best wishes for a lusty holiday!
I liked the post, dave. I have figured out that my moral parameters do not include affairs or prostitutes, although mb is still okay, and going strong after about 30 years of practice.
I let my wife know that I won't stay in a sexless marriage forever. I intend to follow up on that.
Quote: Stand up for yourself and give your spouse a generous amount of time to prove their commitment to you (and to stop disrespecting you). After a while, if they are unwilling to "hear" you, then let your actions speak louder than your words by having a great sex life without them.
I really liked that part of your post. I think her "generous amount of time" is drawing to a close.
As others have said, sex is almost never the only problem. She has abandonment issues, we have power/control issues, I have self-esteem and confidence issues that aren't improving while I am around her, and several other issues. Either she needs to step up to the plate and participate in every aspect of this marriage, or I am going to have to separate from her.
Monk - I doubt I will be having a sexy Christmas. I have a small amount of hope for some nice times while we are on vacation in snowy Northern Wisconsin. But I won't be too surprised if I come home sexless still.
Anyway Dave - thanks for the encouragement and best wishes for a lusty holiday!
What's funny is that I've been very LD for the past week. I think the impending "snip snip" (vasectomy) next week is freaking me out. Also, despite my success this year in improving my sex life, I still feel like we are out of sync.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
Ironically enough things spiced up a bit last night a bit unexpectedly...but it took baring my soul which is a bit painful but sometimes that's what it takes to really communicate clearly with your spouse. Instead of re-typing the whole thing...here's the link to where I posted our progress... "The Road to Regular Sex....Roadkill Not Included"
The rejection is only perceived as "sensitive" by the person who is rejecting. My H used to reject me by simply saying nothing when I'd bring up sex. He thought it was better to say nothing rather than to say no.
