Hi! I've been married for 2 years and with my H for 5. We used to have a lot of sex but I'm now LD while H remains HD. I've nearly finished reading The Sex Starved Marriage book and can see clearly that I need to make some changes. I also acknowledge why I need to do something to make my marriage work better but I simply cannot bring myself to make the first move sexually. Yesterday I made up my mind to do something but then I didn't. Why is this? Why am I so stuck and stubborn? I like sex when I get going but I don't want the foreplay. Any ideas, anyone?
Welcome. You've come to the right place! It sounds like you're on the right track, you've read the book, and realize that there is a problem.
I'm afraid I'm not the best person to give you advice in your situation, but I did want to welcome you aboard. You should look around, do some reading. There are several LDWs here, you might want to look up older posts by Corri or cinemanymph.
I'm sure others will chime in soon to get you on track, but it would help if you could give us some more information. Do you have any kids? Is this your, your H's first M? When was it that your D started going down?
Thanks for your reply. In answer to yr questions: it's my 1st marriage and my H's 2nd (1st was v brief and volatile - a mistake from the moment they walked down the aisle). He has a daughter from a prev relationship. She's 12 and stays with us each Fri night. Generally, she and I have a v good relationship. I want children of my own and had infertility investigations about a year ago (I'm 38 now) which led to having major surgery to remove an endometrioma in March. Was told that this was preventing pregnancy. My ovary was saved (cyst was on the right ovary) and I'm now told we have the same statistical chances as anyone else our age. Trouble is, I think I got ML muddled up with trying to conceive and when it doesn't happen (conception), I get very down each month when my period starts. I suspect I may have started to think "why bother? I don't seem to be able to get pregnant even if we are having sex at the right time of the month and at the right frequency etc etc".
That pretty much encapsulates where I am at the moment, I think.
Thank you very much for your welcome and I will have a look at the posts you suggest.
What does your H have to say about the situation? Is your lack of LM something he brings up all the time, or is this something you've looked into on your own?
I don't know the specifics of your situation but if you make the first move it might help get things going. Alot of this depends on your current sitch. If you are at least having sex at all then its going to be easier. If your not having sex at all then I think its even more important to get things going anyway you can. The problem is in a relationship if one spouse keeps turning down the advances of the other then its get even harder and harder for the rejected spouse to start things. Imagine that old movie Ground Hog day with Bill Murray where he keeps reliving the same day over and over again. The interesting twist to the movie was that even though Bill Murray would wake up each morning and it was the same day he would remember everything from the prior days. So when a spouse constantly rejects the other spouse it has the same affect in that the rejected spouse now is stuck reliving the "same day" and eventually they will just stop making advances all together. After waking up each morning and telling yourself that today will be a better day you eventually come to realize, after repeating this hundreds or thousands of times that today won't be a better day and your stuck so you just give up.
Just wanted to chime in and say that your sitch with the infertility stuff is bound to have a marked affect on your marriage and your drive. Are you and your H able to talk about this?
Ok, what I'm about to say may overstep my boundries, but I don't know any relationship that had a child to keep it together without regrets. Please examine your relationship and goals to put this into perspective.
Having said that, the ole thermometer for tracking the Rythm method of BC is as effective for timing conception too. After YEARS, I was blessed with my D. *large smiles*.
What is it about foreplay you dislike? Have you asked your H to avoid that activity? How do you "get going", moisture lvl and such without the teasing? As one of the other ppl asked, how does your H feel about the LD?
Pity me that the heart is slow to learn
What the swift mind beholds at every turn.
Edna St. Vincent Millay
Caro wrote {{I think I got ML muddled up with trying to conceive and when it doesn't happen (conception),}}
In my favorite aunts jewish voice, So, you think you are only a baby machine? What about your H, or is he only the sperm doner? He has feelings too.
Maybe you will get PG if you quit trying so hard. How many stories have you heard that once a childless couple adopt, the W gets PG. It sounds like having your own child is very important to you and I empathise with your need to have your own child. That is the way mother nature planned it.
BTW, my W is trying to convince me ML is only for making babies. Sucks, big time. So unless your H can take or leave ML do you want to damage the M? Most likely your H loves you regardless of the PG status. Sorry if I an off track. I do not intend to be harsh to you.
Some people ML and get PG but do not want a child. Some people ML and want a child but do not get PG. How Mother Nature acts is beyond our control.
Quote: Maybe you will get PG if you quit trying so hard.
I have a good friend who went through fertility treatments for a year or so... it was a very emotionally wracking experience. For those who don't know what's involved (and I only know from talking to friends), it might be surprising how physically and emotionally draining it can be. She gave herself hormone shots many many times (I don't know all the details) and then she and her H would ML... it's not like natural family planning where you (I think) take your temp and then go about your business. The process she went through was very cold and clinical... she also emptied out her 401K to get the $$$ to try two in vitros-- that both failed.
At the same time, our rabbi and his wife were going through the same process. The two couples were commiserating and offering each other lots of support. Then the rabbi's wife did get pregnant through in vitro and have the baby. My friend was still trying, getting more and more despondant (and broker). (The rabbi and his wife both come from wealthy families and would have had the funds to continue trying for as long as they wanted to.) But then the rabbi and his wife did another in vitro and got pregnant again! All I could think of was how my friend must be feeling... sure she was happy for them, but so sad for herself. My friend's not being able to conceive was much harder on her than on her husband (he's 20 years older and has grown kids). The whole experience drove a wedge between them. She is now living on her own and hopes to be able to avoid a divorce. They are trying to rebuild their R.
So, Lou, it's not just a case of a woman seeing herself as a "baby making machine." It's much deeper and broader than than (I'm sure you know that because you're such a sensitive guy). For a woman who really wants children and who puts herself through this medical process... it strikes at your very identity. It's not something you just blow off or "get over." It requires real grieving and mourning. Ideally both H and W should mourn and grieve together, but it doesn't always work that way.
I can easily see how a long period of medical/clinical fertility treatments would turn you off of sex and/or make it extremely difficult to go on (or go back) to ordinary, loving, casual, spontaneous sex.
It definitely sounds that you've got trying to conceive muddled up with ML...conception can be the result of ML, but so can plain ole sex. ML includes an emotional connection.
So pardon my frankness here, but you're on the BB so I am going to assume you want us to be honest with you. If you don't want foreplay that makes me think that you're cutting off the emotional side of things sexually speaking...so you're just having sex, you aren't ML. You also are discouraging your H from ML to you. Often the person who is performing whatever type of foreplay you are having, be it oral or what have you...receives pleasure from simply giving you pleasure as well.
So...why wouldn't you want foreplay? Try to keep in your mind that ML is a healthy thing for your M, it's a way of maintaining the EC with your H...he needs that too (as you'll undoubtedly read on here.)
There are other ways of becoming pregnant (albeit they may be costly), but there is no substitution for the emotional/physical connection achieved when ML. It's necessary for a healthy relationship.
Cut yourself some slack on the pregnancy issue though...sometimes it simply takes awhile...and the pressure/stress you put on yourself about it can really affect how things happen for you.
GEL
P.S. I'm sorry about your previous M...I've been there and done that too...it's no fun.
