Here is my sitch. In July of this summer I found out that my wife was looking for an apartment. This obviously was a wake up call. I started to become much more interested in our relationship and asked on several occasions if there was someone else involved. The reply was no. Over the next couple of months I could see their was a wall between us. Before July she had mentioned on several occasions that she was unhappy. I always made myself available to talk about it. Initially she indicated that it was work or that it was her head and that she wasn't sure it was me. I tried being more attentive to our relationship, helping more around the house. Telling her that I love her, buying flowers etc. To some degree, I think she likes that flowers and thoughtfulness but she never reciprocates. As we got into September and the situation did not improve I increasingly became suspicious of her being involved with someone. I started paying attention to what she was doing and her clothing. Suffice it to say that I found evidence of her affair. I confronted her and after denial she finally admitted. She said it was going on for about 6 months. She was ready to leave that night but I told her not to leave and that I wasn't going to throw her out despite the betrayal. During the weeks that followed, I pursued, spyed and tried to get her to talk about R. About 1 month later she said that she wanted to D. We told the kids that night. She tried to make it out as a mutual decision but I made her tell the kids it was her choice. She got scared by morning and said that she would stay if I didn't ask about the OM, she worked at current employer until Jan(he works with her). and that she would go back to school. I agreed. About 12 days ago I read DR and it seems to be helping. I have not talked about R and I have curtailed much of the pursuing. I still make her feel loved but am trying not to pressure and just be a friend. It seems to help but for all I know she is still involved with him. Needless to say this is the toughest thing I have faced in my life. We have 2 kids, D16 and S12. We have gone to a counselor once (at my request). We went seperately. The counselor said that she is staying because of security and the kids for now. The affair happened because she was unhappy and he validated her and that I will need to validate her feelings better than OM if I want her to get back intimite feelings. I know this is a lot but I am one messed up dude. Any suggestions would be helpful
Okay, take a deep breath this is going to take awhile. You've read DR, read it again. I've read it 5 times in two months and still find new inspiration. Read the posts here. The ones I concentrate on are from former WAS's who have reconsidered. Great insight to be had through them.
Your wife had an affair. Have you found it in yourself to forgive her. Have you examined your part in what led to the affair. I can tell you from my sitch, my W and I were having problems and arguements at the time she met OM. She was vulnerable and he swooped in. Once you identify what's needed, do it. Sounds like validating her feelings is somethinmg OM provided and you did not. Do a 180 on this now. Draw her into conversation, not R talk, and empathise and validate where needed. Become a good listener. The C gave you this ammunition now use it to your advantage.
Look up a copy of Chapman's 5 Love Languages. Great resource and insight into how can miss providing that which our S needs most.
Keep up the friendly detachment. It is on you to decide to trust her again. You can do this. As I've told my W, "Nothings been done that can't be undone." You are still living together and you have an opportunity to make positive changes for yourself and make a difference in the R.
We'll be here to help,
ShawnL
So if you're tired of that same old story, turn some pages. I'll be ready when you are able, to roll with the changes. - REO Speedwagon
Thanks for the advice and support. I am going through DR for the second time and taking good notes to refer back to.
Yes, I can forgive her. I do have my doubts at times. It isn't easy when you are betrayed. You certainly don't feel like trying to win someone back when they did this to you but I also realize the pain that divorce would bring. Especially in our situation with the kids and how are friends and family are so intertwined.
My counselor did recommend Chapmans 5 Love Langauges. I will be picking it up at the library in the next day or so. It does seem she is warming up some so I do have encouragement. Unfortunately it doesn't go at the pace that you would like.
Can you recommend a specific thread from former was?
Happy reading. Just remember each sitch is different, but there are common elements to be found throughout these threads. Mainly back-off, have patience, make the changes in you permanent.
SHawnL
So if you're tired of that same old story, turn some pages. I'll be ready when you are able, to roll with the changes. - REO Speedwagon
Need some help. I am pretty sure my wife has gotten a present from OM. She has a full bottle of perfume with body wash hidden in our closet. She is not the type to run out and buy this herself. The brand is the same as the perfume that she has in our bathroom. I did not buy her that bottle and always suspected that it might be a gift from OM. This has me pretty agitated. We have been getting along pretty good lately. Infact the other night we had some R talk and it was not bad. She seemed to understand my situation more so than the past. Many things were said but one question that I did ask was if she wanted me to leave. She said no convincingly. She also said the R with the OM is over. Now I see this and I am troubled. If I bring it up she will know that I went through a box on her side of the closet. On the other hand, I can't stand the thought that she accepted the gift. I don't want to push her away but I need honesty if I am going to heal. HELP!
Second - go out and buy her a bottle of Organza Indecence by Givenchy (I've never worn a perfume that so many men loved!). Wrap it up nicely and give it to her, saying "I've never really been fond of your current perfume, why don't you try this one instead?" - or maybe just "I smelled this perfume and thought it would be perfect on you".
I'm betting that other perfume ends up in the trash in no time!
I guess I should have explained that I bought her "Black" by Kenneth Cole. She doesn't like it and wants to return it. Looks like for now he might have the upper hand. I will take your suggestion. To dangerous of ground to bring up my discovery? It is very difficult to keep this fear inside.
hey, maybe OM bought her the perfume during the A, and she never wore it, and just hid it in the closet, and maybe she forgot about it by now.I do understand that feeling you get when you see something new. My h does not live with me and if I see a new shirt on him, or hat, I always say hey that shirt looks great on you, is it new? So far he hasn't said that OW bought anything for him, but I am preparing myself for him to show up one of these times wearing something she bought him, and him telling me she did. if she finds out you snooped, its bad for you. I snooped when my H had his first A 12 years ago, and found a $400.00 necklace for OW for xmas. I got a necklace as well-$99.00. Snooping makes you feel empty-you set yourself up for a heartache. I know, I feel like ah-ha !when I find something, but then you know you can't call 'em on it cause they'll know you snooped. You sound like a decent guy, and I know this is tough on you. The fact that you are willing to forgive this , and that you know you BOTH have work to do is excellent.Your marriage has a much better chance of surviving this if you both realize that you each need to bring something to the marriage. An affair is a wake up call. As long as it is not repeated, your marriage will survive. Trust will be a biggie, for a while. The point I am trying to make is make your marriage a safe place to tell the truth.You may not like the answers you get to your questions, but you have to both work to solve the problem. In an affair ,like it or not, you are BOTH to blame.Somthing was missing or lacking or just wron for a spouse to seek comfort and validation elsewhere. No one forces you to have an affair, but there are reasons they happen. There is a book called how to affair proof your marriage. But really, its common sense (oh yea, I have really good 20/20 hindsight now...) treat your spouse the way you want to be treated, learn her love language, and always try to be friends. We treat total strangers better than we treat our spouses sometimes!But it also has to be reciprocated. One person cannot do all the work. At first you may have to, but as your marriage heals it'll start to be both sides.Hope this helps
This A is alot to get through. You are gonna have to have the patience of a saint (ask Saint Shawn...)
I just joined also and am looking for help. My sitch is different from yours as H has moved in with OW but I snooped often and found all sorts of things unlike you I didn't have help and confronted H about it and let me tell you he blow his stack and I lost ground. Sportster is right about not admitting what you did. Just learn what the OM does and top it or overlook it. If she is hidding it she can't think that much of it. My H does tell me what his OW gives him and ask what I think so feel lucky she isn't that far gone yet. The materials help if you read them often and can follow them when she's around. Never give up hope. How are the kids dealing with her and you living in the same house with this going on? Put them first and worry about her later when they are there. She will always be their mom and they need that reassurance from you. That will work in your favor also. She wont like the fact you are supporting her with her children and she missed it. Then you can tell her that you want no hard feelings for her from the kids and that you love her and think they need to know that and she will feel some comfort in the fact.
Thanks for the advice. I am afraid that my emotions got the better of me. She lost the card and tickets ($100.00) that I got her for Christmas and that got me upset. I brought up the fact that I knew she had new perfume and that I felt that it was a gift from OM. She denied it but didn't freak out. Anyway things have taken a turn for the worse. Tonight we went out for drinks and appetizers with BIL and SIL. On the way home I asked if she would like to be intimate. She replied yes. When we got home I locked our bedroom door. The kids were down stair and she said that she did not feel comfortable. I said ok. I then told her that I did not want to ML but wanted to let her know that I would like to ML more than we have been. She blew up at this. She basically feels that she is tired of what I want and that this is about her. She said that she feels that if I want to ML then she feels pressured into doing it. I asked if she just wanted me to stop ever trying but she didn't answer. I know I am not perfect but she is seeing the world through some strange glasses. She told me that she pray's every day to God and that she wishes she was dead. I told her that I think it is the devil talking to her but she laughed me off. I have made some serious changes over that last 5 months but if I ever ask if her resentment for me is going away she consistantly says "What you think it is going to just go away in a week".
She feels that she has to do whatever I say. I don't think that is the reality but that is how she see's it. Here is another example. We talked about taking our kids to a movie while we are on vacation. Today I asked her if she wanted to go. She said that she might go to her Mothers. I said ok but if she wanted we could adjust the time and she could go to her mothers first or whatever. One of my children asked what time we were going to the movie and I said I am not sure as I don't know what Mom is doing yet. She brought that up tonight after she got into her tirade. She said she felt like she to go or else I would be pissed about it. I told her I would have been disappointed but only because I wanted her to go. She wont dicuss her feelings. She says they don't matter to me. I would't ask her if it didn't matter. The alien has her good and I am scared.
Do you think that she is MLC?
We got married because she was pregnant at 23 years old. She likes to bring that up negatively. She looks at a lot of the past negatively. Especially our D16 who was born then. LOL for our S13.
I can't believe I am the source of her unhappiness. Her biggest fear is that she will stay in the marriage and be unhappy.
