Hey Choc, I don't know if I should post this or not, but I will go for it.
I think your wife is WAY insensitive to say that out loud. The truth, for me, is that if I went away somewhere alone I WOULD miss the kids more than my H. They are my kids...and they are dependent on me in a way he isn't..and I would know that they would feel somewhat lost without me. So I would be tuned in to that more and feel more for them.
HOWEVER!! For the love of Pete, I'd never say this out loud. I think that is rude!
Your wife needs a wakeup call. She takes you for granted.
The problem is that I do not know what her love language really is. I am guessing that I do speak her love language at times, but she is so assexual, she still does not respond in a way that I would notice.
Cemar, a couple things.
First, there are quizzes in the book-- to help figure out her LL. They are not perfect-- I actually have multiple LL rather than fit cleanly into one.
Now this second thing is REALLY important. You say above that you probably speak her LL some of the time, but you don't notice her reaction since she is so asexual.
The way you tell whether you are speaking her LL, is by her feeling more loved... NOT by her jumping your bones. You don't do her LL in order to have sex. You do her LL in order to show her that you love her. for example, acts of service = her feeling loved by you. You might secretly hope that when she feels loved by you, she will then love you and want to show her love to you by jumping your bones, but that's not the basic concept.
If you seem to her, to be obsessed with sex, but she does not feel LOVED by you... then she may conclude that you just want to have sex with her since she's handy, not because she's special, not even because it's her as a unique individual. It's like when you want to ML, it's usually to some particular person, because you have feelings for them in particular. (as opposed to a ONS or M, where you just want to get off).
Another of her favorite things is to say to one (or both) of our teenaged daughters (17, 16) "you don't need a man," or "a woman doesn't need a man," or "you don't HAVE to have a boyfriend to be happy."
Now, for the most part, I AGREE with that, but it depends how you say it. "Honey, I want you to be happy on your own, and have your own interests that give you fulfillment. Then, when you find the right man that God has picked out for you, that'll all be GRAVY and add even MORE happiness to your life!"
That's VERY different than the way she says it, and she seems to take some great sort of satisfaction in these utterances. The more I read about Hairdoggie's wife and sitch, the more similarities I see with my own DW with all of the "men are evil" krap.
chocolateeyes wrote {{you don't need a man," or "a woman doesn't need a man}} chocolateeyes I hear that too. Makes it difficult to compliment the little lady when that comment gets put in your face. I told W how much that hurt. W still does it in little ways.
Your W is just like mine with the same low desire for physical contact. Flooding her with physical Love Languages just seems to make matters worse. My W is also a teacher and as you know, when teachers get together they just cannot stop talking shop no matter what else is going on. I always used to joke about it and so she avoided talking to me about her job. Recently her school had an excellent appraisal and she was absolutely thrilled about it. She gave me the report to read and instead of just glancing through it I read it carefully and read the best bits aloud. She was positively basking in the glory. I now make a point of asking her about her day and enjoy her telling me about it. What she appears to need is recognition for all the hard work she does. It's words of affirmation I suppose but not of the "ILY" kind which just bounce off. What she needs to hear is that she is a valued member of the family and community and I suspect your W is the same. Take an interest in what she does and she may take more interest in you. However... Here's an example of just how difficult it is for non-physical people to communicate in our touchy feely love language. A couple of evenings ago I was in the kitchen tapping on my computer and my W came in and started bouncing up and down, thrashing her arms around and making strange noises. I asked her "Whatever are you doing" and she replied "You haven't given me a cuddle yet" so I beckoned her over and gave her a nice cuddle. She just could not bring herself to actually come to me spontaneously and put her arms around me. SD
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Quote: The way you tell whether you are speaking her LL, is by her feeling more loved... NOT by her jumping your bones. You don't do her LL in order to have sex. You do her LL in order to show her that you love her. for example, acts of service = her feeling loved by you. You might secretly hope that when she feels loved by you, she will then love you and want to show her love to you by jumping your bones, but that's not the basic concept.
Yes, I know that she won't be jumping my bones. My problem is that when I do speak other love languages, since there is no physical contact between us, it can be real hard to notice any change in her wheich would tell me if I am getting close to the right love language. Now the big problem I have with all of this work I have to go through is that I am to bust my butt to meet all of her needs, but then don't expect anything in return. Now my love tank is completely empty and the ONLY way she has to contribute to my love tank is to start speaking ONLY in physical touch, that is my Love Langauge. Why is it that when a marriage has problems, only the LD'S issues are worked on first? The HD is expected to make ALL the effort and then MAYBE, magically, sometime in the future, the issues of the HD will actually be addressed. Sorry if I sound so bitter, I am just getting so darn frustrated.
