When I was in Dallas last summer, I wrote a list of key-behaviors that would indicate that my W was successfully becoming a better sex partner. One of the items on the list had to do with her inability to have sex outside the bedroom in our house and her huge aversion to getting physical at either one of our parent's houses. Here's the thread... Working on Desire Thread
So we just returned from Texas last week where we stayed at my moms. After a night of margaritas (rocks, no salt), I was tucking her into her bed (yes...separate beds), and I disclosed "my" feeling to her by saying "I know that this environment makes it hard for you to get in the mood and I'm completely OK with that, and heck, I've even noticed a drop in my libido since we arrived. But while laying here with you, I must confess that I would love to f*ck your brains out right now." Her response..."sounds good if you can make it quick". So we had ourselves a nice quickie.
With all my travel lately to California and Texas, we weren't able to visit our C but despite that, things seem to be going very well. I'm much calmer and my W seems to be more positive about ML more frequently even though she needs the arousal before the desire still. i.e. the cooking is pretty good these days and she's at least somewhat enthusiastic about it, so I'm not really finding much to complain about. I just think maintaining consistency is key.
On a more interesting note, we discussed the need to return to the C today. She felt like she didn't have any issues to discuss. I still have some legacy/family issues that are causing some troubles in my head and trickling into the R. I also have some sexual preferences (nothing too far out) that I've been trying to get enough nerve up to disclose and I finally did today. ( Note: this saved us probably $300 in C fees. It's funny, but the thought of spending more money on the C inspired me to disclose this. The fact that our C only takes cash has made both of us work extra hard). W said "you don't need to be nervous about telling me things like that, those aren't my preferences but it's fine that it's yours". I think my anxiety was over self-judgement more than her judgment and that's a part of my issues with my self-worth, mother, childhood, etc.
Anyway, I just thought I'd pop in to give an update. Take care folks.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
I'm so happy for you...and proud of you both, you've obviously put a lot of hard work in on both sides
Isn't it amazing how difficult it is to self-disclose to the people who are supposed to be the closest to us. My H and I had a convo about that recently too and agreed that no matter what we have to say to each other, no matter how wierd we think it is, or whether or not we think it will piss the other spouse off or hurt their feelings...if there's something we need to say to get it off our chests then we're going to do it.
I'm currently working really hard on doing this myself...and it's a tough one, but I'm working on it :-)
Once again, congrats! I'm glad to see someone posting successes on here
I think you more than just about anyone have raised the bar with regard to what one can reasonably expect from a relationship. Even if I'm able to steal a little sex now and then from my W, I know that isn't enough.
One of the things that members like NOPKins will concur with is that "success" doesn't mean that your spouse has regained a natural level of desire or horniness that is equal to our "optimistic expectations" when we began this process. Success comes from a combination of "comprimise", "realignment of expectations", and learning to receive the "gifts". Don't get me wrong, your spouses will need to bring some action into the bedroom but it might not be like the youthful, spontaneous LM of a new relationship...and that's OK as long their heart is in the right place.
Here's an example....
On the drive to Texas, while at a gas station, I came from the restroom and said "hey honey, do you have .75?" W: "what for?" M: (jokingly) "so I can buy a rough rider condom from the machine in the bathroom". W: "what's a rough rider?". M: (laughing) "I think it's got bumps instead of ribs...for *your* pleasure.". W: "speaking of that, I'm sorry we didn't get together last night" (implying that we wouldn't be together for the 2 weeks in Dallas).
That comment really pissed me off because she "defined herself" as someone unwilling to ML outside of our bedroom. I gave her a sour look and she said "I thought I was supposed to share thoughts like that with you?" (referring to instructions from the C). At that point, I realized that I misinterpreted what she was saying because my "perception" of what she said was tainted by our history.
So, even though she mentioned a previous, missed opportunity, she was actually saying that she was sexually attracted to me at that very moment. It was my stupid mistake for hearing it wrong and reacting like a fool. This is also an example of how hard it is to move into a "new system" - my negative outlook nearly preserved the old system because a bad response like that doesn't encourage her to say things like that in the future. As a matter of fact, I almost missed the fact that she responded to me in a such a cool way about the condom...in the past, she would have rolled her eyes but she genuinely seemed curious about the product in question.
So, her mention of the C's advice triggered me to "stop, look, and listen" to things differently and see it from my W's point of view. I logically knew her statement was intended to be nice but I was having a hard time shaking the bad feeling and it wasn't until we hooked up 10 days later that I realized that we are doing pretty well (in the big picture).
The C has given lots of things to look for when we are communicating. Often, in the middle of a confusing verbal exchange, one of us will stop and say "hey, we need to go into active listening mode...what are you hearing me say?". We've gotten some pretty good tools with our C. We'll probably return to her in Jan.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
After my last post I wanted to elaborate on the "active listening" trigger. Here's how you can use this (and save a couple hundred bucks at the C). Note that this is an AtlDave invention based upon our C sessions.
Whenever you hear yourself or your spouse saying one (or more) of the following.....
"Haven't you heard a thing I've said?" or "I don't thing you are hearing me" or "Why can't you get what I'm saying?"
This is the time to hold up a hand and say.....
"wait...we're in a miscommunication mode and need to stop and be more methodical...."
Now depending on the nature of the convo you can say....
"What I hear you saying to me is that you (fill in the blank)...is that correct?" -or- "(blah blah blah)" followed by "can you do me a favor and please tell me what you heard me say, I just want to make sure I'm communicating this to you correctly".
This is a very important thing to use because it addresses a fundamental problem caused by the way our brains work. Here's an example...
My 6yr old daughter saw our anniversary marked on the calendar and scribbled "dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum" in the square under it. I asked..."what do you mean by that?". She looked at me with a contemptuous, your-an-idiot look and said "geez dad, it's the wedding song". The wedding song was in her head as she wrote the "dum dum"s so of course, it seemed obvious to her and I seemed like a moron. All of us do this when we communicate but some are worse than others.
My W is terrible about this. After a C session, my W said - "I don't think the C understood me" and after I probed and asked her to explain herself, I discovered that I heard it the same way the C did. As I repeated back what I had heard my W say, my W said "oh my god, that's not at all what I was trying say".
It takes a certain degree of humility to say "what did I say" without accusing your audience of not hearing your point.
Anyway, I just thought I would share this helpful tidbit with folks.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
