ShawnL What about emotional involvement and maybe kissing (I don't know exactly har far my H's A went) - I personally think of it as cheating - telling someone that they are their inspiration, that they think of them all the time and dream of them...yeah that's cheating in my book. Sometimes EA is more damaging than PA - with PA you can try and think of it as "sex only" where as in EA your mind is involved and it's your mind that makes the choices.
Yeah the EA is a rough thing. I have had to face the fact that I contributed to the environment which led to the EA. My actions, or lack of them, helped to distance W. She was vulnerable and found her voice through someone else.
This is why I am trying to be the best person possible, to rediscover that which my spouse first found attractive. Become her soft spot to land and outcompete the OM. I know her buttons better than he and I am in the best position to support her when the doubts start flooding in.
ShawnL
So if you're tired of that same old story, turn some pages. I'll be ready when you are able, to roll with the changes. - REO Speedwagon
I have had to face the fact that I contributed to the environment which led to the EA. This is why I am trying to be the best person possible, to rediscover that which my spouse first found attractive.
I totally agree, how many of us have sat down and looked at ourselves, and determined what did we do or didnt do that may have contributed to our marital problems?
Since reading DR I have determined the following about myself:
1. I managed to make the last 6 years of my life be about my husband and being a stay at home mom, (that is why I chose PAM IS LOST).
2. I realized that once I lost myself, I became insecure, which led to controlling behavior.
3. I realized that I could definately use work on my listening skills, rather than trying to always get my point of view across, and always thinking that my way was right.
Whether my H and I get back together or not, I will definately be a better person because I realized my mistakes, and am now working on not being this way again in my future.
What has everyone else found out about themselves?
I learned about myself that I was taking my H 's love for granted and not taking his needs into consideration because I did not know his love language - I thought of what he was saying as wants not needs.
I learned that to continue to receive love you have to continue to give love in all ways - not just one that you feel most comfortable with.
I learned that I do have short tempter that might be charming at first but gets old and bitter the longer you let it go.
I learned that I truly do love my H despite of occasional thoughts (prior to the D day) that I might have just settled on him.
I learned that forgiveness which I'm striving to achieve will not only help me with what's going on now but also what will need to happen later. I love my H and even if/when we D I hope to still have him in my life and not hurt that it's not in the capacity that I want to.
I learned that having friends and family that supports you is equally important as having H that loves you because when that love is tried they might be all you have left. On the other hand, I learned that friends and family try to act in YOUR best interest and not best interest of your M so it's important to keep their comments and attitudes towards your H in mind but not act on them.
I found out that if you want something, you have to ask for it, no one can read your mind.
I found out that married people don't talk enough to each other -about each other- in a good way. Every day can't be Valentines day, but just one nice compliment or touch a day can go along way toward staying connected.
I found out that if you make a mistake, and are sincere about your apology, that you should not have to pay for it forever.
I found out being that your true friends will listen to you whine for hours and still be supportive.
I have been thinking about asking her if she has had an "affair" and see how she justifys the answer or responds in general, my reasoning would be to see if she tells me the truth.
She'll probably respond with "were seperated and my business is my business" my response would be "well hon, were still legally married and if I need to make a decision about if we are going to be continually married any longer then it is my business to know isn't it?, I would tell you the truth If I did which I have not"
OR
Maybe I should take her to a New Years Party and get a room and see how she reacts if we get close enough to be intimate.
Is she even open to work on R or is she like my H and wants the D no matter what? Because if it's the former then definitelly you have a right to know. But if it's not....well...I'm facing the same thing - my H doesn't care (or at least acts and says that he doesn't) and that typ of talk would mean pursuit and him saying - I told you I want the D and did not change my mind.
