I am in need of help, I just ordered the books, but until they come... I need some advise about how to begin...
An introduction: H=37LD, Me=32HD, new baby=3 months
I had an ultimatum argument with husband today, we are supposed to have a calmer discussion tomarrow after he gets home from work. I got online this evening to look for help and found this site, so I have my fingers crossed.
We have had problems with disparate sex drives for the last 4 years (odddly, our first year together we had sex every day and he had no problems, even initiated). With each major relationship milestone there have been significant drops in our sex life: moving in together, getting married, and now, having a baby.
I would also like to say that in every other aspect, he is the perfect h, helps with house and baby, cooks, is nice to me in all other aspects... is even affectionate and cuddly. But he will not kiss me more than a peck, nothing you couldn't do with your own mother. And the "peck" is as close to ML as we've been since I found out I was pregnant. Now the baby is 3 months old I couldn't take it anymore today and gave him an ultimatum, either we seek help or I'm leaving him.
We haven't ML since feb. & even before that it was just once a month, barely, and mostly I guilted, pressured and begged him into it and it wasn't any good anyways since he was pretty half-hearted about it. I've seriously felt like I was violating him by emotionally pressuring him, and on my end I can no longer take the humiliation of begging and the constant rejection.
So now I'm pretty much at the end of my rope so to speak...
Today I mentioned "sex" for the first time since we stopped because of the pregnancy, and I went the whole pregnancy without mentioning sex. And to be honest, last night I had tried to see if getting him drunk might get him in the mood spontaniously, but he picked a fight about something stupid once he realized what I was trying to do. Today he (once again) told me that I am a nympho for wanting sex once every 1-2 weeks (not that I wouldn't take once a month with feeling), and when I said that there was no such thing as a real relationship without sex he says I'm rediculous, that sex has nothing to do with a relationship, that he loves me but he just doesn't want to have sex (ever).
He has assured me on several ocassions that he is not having an affair, not gay and that it's not me, he just doesn't want sex, and that not wanting sex at all is perfectly normal.
I am really suffering from the lack of feeling desirable, especially with the birth of my first child, and like many other posters here have toyed with the idea of an affair.
I am now afraid that, especially since it's been so long, even if he did allow me to ML to him, I wouldn't be able to get over my resentment.
So until I receive the books, I need some advise as to where to begin. I do love my h and would still like to save my marriage, but this is not something I am willing to just live with.
I have also been toying with the idea of asking him to sleep in the guest room as his presence in bed just makes my frustration worse, making me a less nice person.
-Oh and of course, when I brought up the problem of ML (and the lack thereof) today he was completely surprised, he had no idea that there was a problem. (even though we have had this discussion about every 2 months prior to my getting pregnant) he seemed to believe that I had forgotten about ML and that I was never going to want it again.
So, how should I approach him in tomorrow's discussion? What should my goals for this be? I apreciate any help in advance...
Laurie
You aren't alone, and your situation is NOT unique (this is a good thing).
Read the first chapter of Michele's book here online.
The problem with your husband can be fixed. You will find plenty of help and support here.
Oh, and be prepared to find out a few things about yourself as you proceed.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Laurie: Your sitch and mine have some similarities, albeit with the genders reversed. In fact, I just had yet another conversation with my W, with her insisting that sex is not a necessary ingredient to a marriage, and me insisting the opposite.
Advice? You're not going to get any overnight fixes. You have to do the hard work. Likely, you will find that you have contributed to the problems in your relationship.
One thought: why ask him to move to the guest room? Why not just move there yourself?
Quote: why ask him to move to the guest room? Why not just move there yourself? Hairdog
Because the baby is still sleeping in our room (In his crib). I haven't wanted to move him to his own room yet because it's easier/quicker for me to deal with middle of the night feeding. My thinking has been that for ML we don't have to be in our bedroom with the baby if H is going to feel weird about the baby being there (living room after baby's asleep seems ideal), but he actually hasn't even offered that up as an excuse yet anyways. & I was planning on moving the baby to his room when he's down to one feeding per night (at this point within 2 weeks). At that point I guess I could be the one that moves...
I'm not sure if the seperate rooms/beds would be counter-productive or a welcome respite from eachother... What do you think? Improvement or make it worse?
Welcome to my world...sorry, just had to say that I too am married to an LD man, we have a 16-mo old S and have been together for nearly 2.5 years.
My H and I went for a year without having S during & after my pregnancy...which, lets just say it, SUCKED! It's as if the thought never crossed his mind. Prior to that we rarely had S either, but there were extenuating circumstances that made the behavior easy for me to excuse.
Let me ask you a few questions... 1. What's going on in your H's life right now...work, family etc. 2. What is his family like, how was he raised..mom, dad etc. 3. Has your behavior changed in any way? Be honest, are you asking for sex more, being more overt? etc.
FYI, don't give up. I have a hunch, and I believe others will chime in here with me, there's something going on within your H. I know there definitely is/was with mine...but just so you know, we're making progress. It's slow progress, a bit painful at times, and a hell of a lot of work, but definitely worth it.
Laurie: As to whether moving to separate rooms is counter productive, you will find that people here have differing opinions. One camp says that if you move out, the LD spouse actually likes it because then they don't have to deal with the "pressure" of you asking for sex each night (note here that "pressure" can sometimes be defined as merely your presence in a room). The other camp says that moving out can be a step in a series of "consequences" to the LD's refusal to deal with the problem. For example, you have a conversation with your S and tell them that things have to change or there will be consequences. You tell them what these consequences will be, e.g., first, you will move out of the bedroom, then you will move out of the house, then you will file for legal separation, then file for divorce. Granted, there can be several other steps in there, in addition to consequences before you move out of the bedroom. But I would say that it is important that you have the conversation where you set forth your boundaries ("I will no longer settle for a sexless marriage"); tell the S of the consequences ("If things don't change, I will, first, move out of the bedroom"); and then--very importantly--follow through. Don't mention a consequence unless you are truly committed to carrying it out. Otherwise, you will be seen as manipulative, naggy, and full of empty threats.
Another book which has helped me was "Boundaries in Marriage". I can't remember who the authors were, but it's on Amazon, of course.
Go to a gadget store and get some baby monitors, you plug em into the wall and they "listen" and "brodcast". It may not be as easy but they do work well and you can be comfortable listening in.
You may not be able to be a Sex Goddess with the littleone in the room. This "sacrifice" on your part should allow H to feel special. You know how much you want to feel special again in his eyes. He may have difficulty competing with the B
Also, have you had the multiple children discussion? Is he practicing "ultimate birth control"? Was this child "planned" or was it a spontanious gift?
(Sounds to me like he's got a problem with responsibilities, from you're saying that the sex quieted, which it will do, but not necessairily that quickly. Every time you two get more responsibilities, the fun goes out of your life. If the work is ok, or great, or even not that bad, try talking on accepting this lot in life and try to laugh and lighten up. MAYBE the burden of a new family will turn into the blessing it was ment to be.)
Pity me that the heart is slow to learn
What the swift mind beholds at every turn.
Edna St. Vincent Millay
Thanks all for chiming in... GEL (I used to live in OK, ) I've read some of your posts elsewhere, and yes, I'd agree we're living parallel miseries.
My H and I went for a year without having S during & after my pregnancy...which, lets just say it, SUCKED! It's as if the thought never crossed his mind. Exactly! He didn't miss it and it never occured to him that I missed it. Ironically we were more or less about to D over this issue a few months before I got preg. More bkgd: We had always said we wanted children, he wants 2, I want 3 or 4. In oct03 it had been 3 months without ML, & I told him that it was over (and how did he expect me to get preg anyway?!?!) We were working through break-up details when 2 weeks later, he got a little drunk for my birthday, told me, crying, how he really did want to be with me, and that he really wanted us to have children etc... & then ML to me the way it's supposed to be done (with feeling!). The next day we talked and decided to try for children (I wanted them with or without him, so I'm not upset to have my baby) He managed to keep up ML more or less (2 times per month, his initiation) through the end of December (when I got preg.) and when I found out, early Jan04, he ML to me very sweetly. Then disaster struck... STUPID *&%^^%$^%$ MIL tells H that ML is dangerous for baby when preg. and that was the end. Let me ask you a few questions... 1. What's going on in your H's life right now...work, family etc. His company was bought out and they are going through the transition of company philosophies thing. Lots of workshops and training. His job is quite secure though. 2. What is his family like, how was he raised..mom, dad etc. Parents divorced, mom is nuts, has exactly the relationship with his poor stepdad that I am trying to avoid. She is mean to her H and they haven't ML in at least a decade, and unfortunately because they've been "together" for 30 years, my H thinks it's a great rolemodel marriage. Father is on 7th marriage, cheats on his wives and on his mistresses, and has a somewhat strained relationship with my H. Actually though, H was raised by his grandmother, who openly says that the biggest regret of her life was refusing to continue ML to her husband when she was 50 over some stupid argument, and frequently warns people not to make that mistake. 3. Has your behavior changed in any way? Be honest, are you asking for sex more, being more overt? etc. Honestly, I've been MUCH LESS demanding, Like I said originally, this is the first time I've even mentioned it and saturday was the first time I made any subtle attempts. He had always said I put too much pressure on him & if I would just back off, but the truth is when I back off, I get nothing, which was how we got to 3 months and the D word before.
I wonder if the special circumstances may be low testosterone, but I don't know how to bring that up in such a way that he will actually ask his Dr....
Does he have a problem with porn? -HP Not as far as I've been able to find, and yes, I've stooped to snooping. We have separate computers, but I've checked his computer & I've never found porn or history of porn sites. I've never caught him watching porn on TV and I've never found a magazine. The closest to porn I've ever seen him was once he watched an Anna Nicole Smith documentary with my BIL. Hell, if I though it would get him in the mood, I'd probably buy it for him.
Hairdog: Yeah I kinda think the separate bedrooms would be a relief for H. My plan is to have the consequences conversation tonight, and I have no problem following through, but again, I think that separate bedrooms may be more of a reward than a threat. Still I have nothing else to bargain with… & I have now also ordered the book you recommended and 2 more by that author… Hopefully I will still need them when they get here…
Liese: I’ve been using a monitor, but had kept him in my room ‘cause I can check on him quicker, and therefore get more sleep. But it’s probably time to move him, I just have to see how to make my husband see it as a sacrifice for him. Also, have you had the multiple children discussion? Is he practicing "ultimate birth control"? Was this child "planned" or was it a spontanious gift? Baby was planned, and he supposedly wants one more child. As for BC: I made a very big deal about going back on Birth Control at my post-partum visit. (actually, my point was, please don’t make me get back on the hormones for nothing, because BC sucks unless I’m getting some benefit from it. But that all seems to have fallen on deaf ears.)
There’s definitely something to the responsibilities problem, but I haven’t been able to figure it out – in all aspects he’s actually the more responsible one, and he insists on having a very settled life, never wants to move, never wants anything to change, says he wouldn’t mind living like this for the rest of his life if I weren’t so unhappy about it.
So for tonight a calm conversation about filling eachothers needs and consequences of not doing so… wish me luck...
I've seriously felt like I was violating him by emotionally pressuring him, and on my end I can no longer take the humiliation of begging and the constant rejection.
I too am married to an LD man, we have a 16-mo old S and have been together for nearly 2.5 years.
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