I have been lurking here for a while and this is actually my first post. My situation is that I haven't had sex with my W for 5 plus years. We haven't even slept in the same room except when we go on vacaction or to visit family. We have a S and that is probably the only reason I am still in this relationship. I don't even feel like we are married, more like room mates. We tried counseling about a year ago and that didn't work. I went first for a number of sessions because I was really worried that I was going to end up having an affair. Talking about my situation helped but nothing ever came of the counseling we didn't even get into a single joint session. W won't talk about anything and we have virtually no physical contact of any kind even kissing or hugging ect. About a year ago I just gave up trying to hug and kiss my wife because I never felt like there was any reciprocation. My situation has been even more complicated because 2 1/2 years ago we moved (to another state) because my wife got a promotion and I quit my career to keep the family together. My wife told me that moving would really be good for putting our relationship back together. Shortly after we got here I thought things where coming together and made a pass at her and she made it pretty darn clear that we wouldn't be having sex. So after wrecking my career I had to return to grad school to get retrained to start another one. Thats almost done and I am hoping to try counseling again come next year when I get my financial aid check.
Anyway I find myself becoming more and more desperate to connect someone. I never thought this would happen to me and now that it is I find myself growing more and more detached and thinking more and more about having an affair. I keep telling myself all the time that having an affair will destroy everything but the more I look at myself it seems like I am allready being destroyed. Before I got married I thought I would never have an affair but now I don't even feel like I had a chance to expirence a marriage.
I was wondering if anyone on this board has tried to find someway to make their marriage work when it really wasn't a marriage (roomates I guess is how I feel right now). Has anyone had an affair and what did that do? Has anyone worked out some kinda arrangement like an open marriage and how did that work out (or not work out)? Is anyone here just keeping their marriage together for the kids and marking the days on the calender until they move out of the house? The counselor the last time thought I should get a divorce but I worry so much about how that would affect my S. I also worry about how my S would be affected if I had an affair. At the same time I am also worrying about how much darker it can get for me if I stay in this relationship and will it eventually destory me.
Anything anyone has to say would be greatly appreciated. I just wish I had found this site years ago. I don't feel so alone anymore.
Welcome. I know this is probably the last place you'd like to be, but there are a bunch of kind, helpful people here, and we're all struggling with similar problems.
I've ML to my H once in the past 7 yrs, and yes, I know how seductive the idea of an affair is. I came close to starting an EA with an old college friend a while back, I'm pretty sure if we were on the same continent it would have easily turned into a PA.
What stopped me? I cared about that person, and myself, and realized that at some point, I'd have to make a choice, and someone (or more) would get hurt. When I stopped and looked forward....I realized it was not worth the fleeting feelings of pleasure.
Do you have friends, hobbies to keep you busy? How old is your S, is there 'guy stuff' you two can do together? I know it's not the same, but it can help a little to keep you mind off the empty place.
When did one of you move out of the bedroom? Why?
My H is also very quiet, won't discuss this sitch. with me, I have to sort of pick up whatever pieces I can get from the crumbs he throws. I moved to Finland 17 yrs ago, first to study, but I stayed because of H. So I have some understanding of the hurt you feel at 'giving everything' up for the R, and not getting anything in return.
There are others here who can probably give you better advice, I'm kinda thick in the middle of my own sitch right now, but you should probably give us some more details. Has your W ever said why she doesn't want sex? How 'involved' are you, were you when your S was a baby? Was there a point in your R that things were better, or has sex been an 'issue' since the beginning?
Sorry you are here, but like FF said, there are alot of people here that are very knowledgable in this and can give lots of advice. Have you obtained the Sex Starved Marriage book? I would suggest getting that and reading it for a start.
I wish I had some magical words of wisdom for you that would fix it all, but unfortunately your sitch, just as mine and alot of others on here, was not created in a day and it will take time, patience, and understanding to fix it.
About the affair.............. DON'T do it. Its not worth it. You will just create more problems on top of the ones you already have. I'm sure others will chime in here. Good luck, take your time, map out a plan.
Hey monk. Here are my thoughts: 1. Affairs are a bad idea. You are disrespecting yourself, your wife, the other woman, the other woman's spouse and family, and your kid. If a f%ck worth all of that?
2. Get the SSM book, get Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch, and go to counseling by yourself.
3. An other book that might help is Boundaries in Marriage. I just finished it and it does a good job of explaining a course of action you might want to take to get things back on track.
4. Do all you possibly can to save the marriage and make it into something with which you can live. But if, after all that, the only reason you're sticking around is because of the kid, think about how he's going to feel when he's 20, you get divorced and tell him that he was the only reason you made your life miserable for the past 20 years. Remember that kids learn by example. If you're not setting the stage for a loving, affectionate, involved, healthy marriage when you are in his presence, you might be doing him more harm than good by sticking around. But remember: you must do all you can to get to that healthy stage with your current wife.
I'm sorry to hear about your situation...but since you've been reading posts here I'm sure you know...you aren't alone. That's little consolation I know, but you aren't alone.
Ok, now on to the questions to see if we can't help you wade through some of this stuff.
#1 What is your wife's reason/excuse for not having sex with you? #2 What approaches have you taken? #3 Why did you move out of the bedroom? (it's much easier for someone not to deal with you when that happens.)
Ok...just answer those things for now, perhaps that'll give us some insights to help you
My sitch is not quite as severe as yours sounds and I am sorry that you are experiencing such a painful thing. There are many people on these boards that have not touched each other in years, others just have differing drives. Either way the folks on these boards are committed to making their marriages work and to making them great.
Please don't compromise your own integrity by having an A. You would do damage that would be very difficult to repair. Please seek counseling for yourself. When you get settled about where you are in your own mind and heart share your pain with her. Let her know that you agreed to be monogamous but not celibate. Ask her what she is willing to do about that problem. Get more counseling....
Thanks for the responses and sharing your situations with me. I will try and answer all your questions.
- FocusedFlutist: I don't have many friends where I live. In the progam I am in at college most of the other students are women so its difficult/dangerous to really develop any kind of friendship outside of school I think. Both because my W can get mad about even incidental contact and also because I thought if I had made some friendships with other women the chance of an A would go up. My S is 5 so we do stuff together but he is too young to be doing "guy" stuff, but I really enjoy the time we get to spend together.
I think I moved out of the bedroom for a few reasons: my W had two of these internet relationships (I don't know if people consider this cheating but it made me pretty upset). The first time she felt so guilty that she woke me up at 3 am on my birthday to tell me. I am sure she felt better but that really didn't make me fool good! She said it was just because she was pregnant and wouldn't use the net again. The second time it happened she felt bad and freakin told me on my last day at work when I was switching jobs so that we could make more $. I told her that we needed to go to counseling but she wouldn't go and wouldn't discuss anything (By this time we hadn't had sex for maybe 6 months or so and we definatly weren't sleeping in the same room).
The last straw came when I found some pics of her on our computer, some pics of another guy, and a letter that she had wrote (and I presumed sent out) bascially saying that she was in a terrible marriage and that I beat her and drank and did a bunch of other stuff (which I never even raised a hand to her once, I don't even drink,... you get the picture). It is terrible to be falsely accused of something. It was devestating to have my W be the one doing this to pick up OM. Anyway I was mad as hell and worried that some nut was going to show up at try to off me because my wife was saying that I did all these bad things (I guess thats one way to attract other men). I was also mad as hell because of all the stuff I had put up with so that I could still see my son everyday. So it just went down hill from there. I would like to think that I was as involved as possible when my W was pregant. As far as when things where better in the R it was when we first met. When we got married it went down hill fast.
- Annette: I have the sex starved marriage book. I bought it for myself as a birthday present one year . I definatly see what you are saying about an A and intellectually I know how bad it is. Its just all the aggravating circumstances that make it harder for me.
Hairdog: I definatly know what your saying about setting an example for my S. It's hard to show affection when the other person doesn't seem to want it at all. I would never tell him that reason I got D after 20 years was because of him moving out though. Kids are really smart and it worries me that he might know something is not right. He probably isn't old enough to know exactly what is wrong but still.
- GEL: My W never makes an excuse and to be honest I haven't even tried to make a pass at her in the last 2 1/2 years because its not even a approachable issue with her. She said she would only talk about it with a C but then that didn't work out either. We tried C once before this when we where first having problems (it was one of these troubled marriage encounter weekends) but she refused to do anything and wanted to leave so we left since I didn't see the point of staying if both of us didn't want to be there. As for approaches to be honest I haven't done anything from the SSM book. At this point I don't even know where to start.
I used to think that if I just kept trying and waiting that things would get better but frankly it doesn't seem like that is doing any good. Right now I feel emotionally like we are roommates and we actually are because we don't sleep together. I have also been hesitant to really push the issue because there has been a huge power inbalance between us since we moved and I had to start scbool again. She works and has a good career and made all the $ and I was worried that if it fell apart right now I would be stuck in another state, broke, loose my son, and not have enough $ to finish college to get into a new career. That is the primary reason I went to a C a year ago was that I was afraid that I was getting so desperate that I would have an A. What makes me feel even more desperate is that I not only want to connect with someone physically I am desperate to connect with someone emotionally.
I'm so sorry to hear that your wife painted that picture of you to another man...that's just wrong! And yes, in my book even online affairs are affairs....it's a way for her to escape your marriage without actually leaving.
Ok, here's my next question. Have you had "the talk" with her. You know the one about the problems in your marriage, what needs of yours aren't being met, and what the consequences will be if things don't improve? I know it's a tough talk to have, and I know you have a S to think of as well...but have you done that?
Also, you didn't mention how long you two saw a C. How much time did you give it? FYI, it's taken my H 7-mo to really start making progress...primarily because I think it's taken him that long to really start being honest and let down some defenses.
There's definitely something going on w/your W...what's her schedule like? Can you be certain she's not having an A?
The first thing through my mind as I read your first post was 'affair'.
I see that others have already broached that with you.
I very much doubt that your wife's affairs are internet/emotional only. It is very likely that they have become physical.
First thing, I strongly recommend that you retain legal counsel so that you understand fully, your options.
The second thing you must do, is get active in your recovery. That means no more procrastination. You must get ALL the facts and come up with a plan.
You need to snoop and get details of your wife's encounters - all of them, known and unknown. Don't be surprised if there are many.
You may want to consider a paternity test regarding your son. That is up to you, but don't be a martyr and suck up paying for something you possibly didn't do for the next 13 years.
Counseling for your wife has to be mandatory for you to remain in the relationship.
DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOME. That is abandonment. Bad idea if things turn ugly.
I know you love your wife. That is why you are here. I must tell you that you are in for a rough ride. Sex is the least of your problems.
Find out what is going on. Get your wife some help. Guard your finances and protect your interests in the relationship.
There is a very good chance that your move for your wife's career, was actually to facilitate her physical affair.
You must get over being devastated , back up, and disconnect yourself from the situation emotionally. You have too much to do to be distraught right now. You can fall apart later.
I am sorry I have been rough on you. It is intended to help. If you prefer that I make no further comments on your situation, I will completely understand.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
. I definatly see what you are saying about an A and intellectually I know how bad it is. Its just all the aggravating circumstances that make it harder for me.