You've got to remember my H is the LD in my R...he can go on indefinitely without it. I merely brought up the fact that 1-2 times per week would be my number if I had to choose....because I knew that wouldn't intimidate him....and it's what I really could deal with. Right now it's 1x per week....but I've seen definite improvements in our R with that.
One thing I have noticed...and I just posted this on another thread as well for HoneyPot was that...as soon as I gave up trying to get him to "want/desire" me I had more success. See...It finally dawned on me I was trying to alter his feelings...I can't do that, that's not within my power. Want & desire are both feelings, people are bound to interperete those feelings differently within themselves.
Once I mentally gave up on trying to alter his feelings I noticed changes in him that were more in the direction that I wanted. Maybe I changed my behavior as a result of trying to get him to "want" me, perhaps it was even a subliminal change...but he's responding to it.
I remember the dark days with my ex. Once every 4, 6 or 8 weeks. Aghhh. I never want to go there again. I thought 2 a week was normal/ok. I have dated some women in the past that daily was fine. LOL. Funny I'm HD in one R and LD in another. Go figure.
Your H has made some good progress. I'm impressed. As long as the baby steps continue, you guys shouls be fine.
Maybe it takes some of the pressure off the LD. It seems to me that many women "want" men that appear to not actually "need" them. So I have tried no initiating sex for several months to reduce my "neediness". Guess what, this has no impact on a ND female. I could probably go for the rest of my life not having sex with her and she still would not get a "sex drive". To her, she probably would think that I am now more like her. Apparently, reducing the pressure on LD women does nothing to make them desire more. Probably because they don't have the ability to desire is what I am guessing.
I hate to beat a dead-horse, but as many people have said (and you've admitted)...I too suspect that it's because you aren't speaking her LL's. I know you've stated that you still don't know what they are...have you tried asking yet?
For that matter, just out of curiosity, have you had a serious heart-to-heart talk with her yet about all of this? As many of us have suggested? If not, I'm curious why? Is there something you think she may say that you don't want to hear?
Greeneyedlass wrote, {{It finally dawned on me I was trying to alter his feelings...I can't do that, that's not within my power. Want & desire are both feelings, people are bound to interperete those feelings differently within themselves}}
Greeneyedlass this is how I try to relate with my W and ML. I am glad to hear you two have been improving your sex lives. I still have a long way to go to get to a point similar to yours. I really do not expect W will change her opinion much about sex or our R.
OG Lou, you can not make anyone do anything, but there are many choices.
Well week #6 has now come and gone...we've held to the schedule again...but this week was different.
My H had told me earlier in the evening (he'd been working outside all day again in the cold) that he had come inside early so he wouldn't be too tired later for us. Well naturally, that got my hopes up for an enjoyable evening...wouldn't it you?
As the evening progressed I began to get the feeling that he was going to try to use the "tired card" on me...he sort of kept pushing me away when I'd try to get close. When the time finally came that we went to bed and he kind of cuddled, but barely. I could tell he was waiting for me to do everything again and it really rubbed me the wrong way. Well this time his lying there just really hurt my feelings. He also kept mentioning that he was tired...now, he was tired!? Well guess what? I was tired too! Sick and tired of always having to get things going! He had made many, many, improvements...but now it was time for him to take responsibility for our sex-life too!
I kept fondling him to try to get a response, but he'd just lay there...letting me do everything. I must have given a deep sigh...cuz he said "what?" So I told him..."I'm really tired of feeling like I have to kick start you everytime so we can ML." I felt the tears welling up...tried to hold them back..and told him "How am I supposed to feel wanted if you lay back and wait for me to get you going? I appreciate the fact that you've kept to our schedule, and I see the improvements and changes you've made and I really appreciate them. But I just get frustrated and my feelings get hurt that I'm always the one who has to get things going. Do you remember last week when you asked me what my fantasy was?" To that he said he said "yes"..."well it's really simple...it's not complicated at all." So he asked me what it was...."it's you, coming to me to ML without me having to get things going or drag it out of you. I don't always want to have to take charge in the bedroom...it's that simple. If you never come to me to ML I don't feel wanted...I feel like you are just trying to please me. It's simply not the same. I sit here trying to get things going and I'm having to hold back tears. You know...I've been on both sides of this situation and I really do understand where you are coming from and why it's hard for you...but the other side of me wonders why when you take care of other problems in your life so efficiently you won't just step up and really help me with this. It's selfish of me I know, but it's how I feel...and I'm so tired of having my feelings hurt."
By then I had tears running down my face...I wasn't bawling or anything...I was just talking calmly and the tears were falling. He just looked me in the eyes and kept wiping away the tears while I talked. I guess you could say it was time to really bare my soul and tell him very honestly how this makes me really feel at times, no beating around the bush. I have almost never-ending patience becaues I know both sides and have experienced it, but that doesn't keep my feelings from being hurt.
He seemed like he was really opening to hear me...not just listen. When we were finished...off came his underwear and he started fondling me. I told him that I didn't want pity sex...and that if he was too tired it was ok. He said "that's not what this is" it actually ended up being much more than that. This time it felt like more than scheduled sex, this time I FELT HE WANTED TO ML TO ME! I could really feel an emotional difference, it didn't feel like we were having sex...but more like that he finally had an EC to want to ML to ME. He even took charge on the position for once...my favorite position...and he didn't ask...just flipped me over. It lasted longer than usual too...it was very nice. It reinforced to me that yes, he has been listening to what I want...but for some reason this time he did it.
Hopefully we're on the road to him actually being able to do things without me getting them going. Granted, I had to bare my soul, which was painful for me...but this to me was a big leap for us. Not just a tiny step forward.
Yet another installment on the "Road to Regular Sex" GEL
Good for you! You give me hope that my new resolve with H will pay off. The major part of that resolve involves being willing to directly state the impact of his behaviors. I will add details on my own thread but I flat out asked him to keep an "appointment" with me last night although I have yet to have him agree to a schedule. The results were "interesting." We did ML, it was different than the usual because I didn't allow the two rubs here, two rubs there, go at it to O and be done plan. Your success will help me perservere because I have a feeling it will be tough going.
