H seemed pretty "normal" after he got back from the gym. When he got in the shower, I took some clothes in for him. He usually asks me to get him this stuff anyway, but he didn't, so I just did it anyway. (AOS ) Well, H had already gotten some clothes, but he did thank me.
He was in a pretty good mood after he got out. Was playing music and dancing with the dog. All normal H stuff. We were chatting while I ate...he even said a couple of things he thought might have upset me, then quickly offered some reassurances.
I told him that he looked good when before he left for work.
Wound up drawing most of the night...just couldn't bring myself to go to the gym, even though I know I should...
I must have been out with the dog when he called. But H left me a nice vmail. Said he was sorry for stressing me out, that I was wonderful, he appreciated my understanding, and that he loved me. I left a return vmail when I went to bed--something sappy, I can't recall.
Around 4:30am, when H usually gets home from work, the dog started barking. Woke me up, but it wasn't him. I was tempted to call...but I've been wanting to stay really backed off...so I didn't. I had a lot of trouble going back to sleep. When he's not home at a usual time, it's just so hard for me to stay asleep. I do remember dreaming about the BB--kept dreaming that I was writing to different people.
Not sure exactly when H got home, but it was late. He came in and kissed me (and eeew, reaked of bar...I hate that smell...lol), then took the dog for a walk. I could hear him on the computer for some time after that.
Then he came into the bedroom, layed down next to me, and wanted to talk around 6:30am. He said he wanted to talk to me, and thought 6:30 was a better time to wake me. He's still waking me up...but yes, thoughtful. I did thank him for that. (Hey, I have been telling him he can always talk to me...he just usually wants to talk in the middle of the night...)
He told me he had been invited out to breakfast after work. I wanted to ask who with...but kept my mouth shut. I could tell it was a group of people, so that's fine. Just didn't want him to take my curiosity wrong. He mentioned some girl flirting with him, and him telling her he wasn't interested. I reminded him--gently--that I had asked him not to tell me these stories because they hurt my feelings. He apologized, said he would try to remember.
Later, it occurred to me that maybe he's telling me these to actually reassure me--to point out that he is turning these people down. I usually chime in with "Did you tell her you were married?" And I'm usually not happy if he didn't give that exact answer. But, maybe he really is trying to just be upfront and honest with me. A lot of times, I can't tell that he's doing/saying something as reassurance, since it's not what I would expect or do.
Then again, he may really just be innocently telling me about his day at work. He used to tell me this stuff all of the time, and it never bothered me before. I think he's also confused on why it would upset me now, since it didn't in the past. (I know, it seems obvious to us on this side of things, but...)
I got some of the typical alien stuff from him... I must say, I have never gotten the ILYBNILY line. I'm getting less panicky about it--sometimes it strikes me as him just giving me everything off the top of his head, as it comes to him.
More of the "it feels funny" and "will it go away." He thanked me, again, for "letting" him go to his friends' for dinner tonight.
I did find out some interesting stuff, though... H was telling me why he thinks he's so "protective" of his friends. He genuinely is afraid they won't be "his" anymore. (He's very much this way with material things, too, actually.) He was telling me he thinks it because his father left him (and his brothers) for a "new" family. (This should sound familiar to some people out there!) And he felt very replaced. His dad also had the nasty habit of taking H's toys, and giving them to his other children. (By various different women, BTW.) I was kind of surprised...more that H shared this with me than anything... He was actually starting to do this more right before he turned all alien on me. (I actually told H he had aliens in his brain, and he got a good laugh out of it...)
H also did tell me that he was trying to figure out how to not do this with me. But that it was very, very hard for him...and to just let him move at his own pace. This, I am more than happy to do (I am happy that he sees it as something to improve on.)
He also told me that he feels like a loser, like he has no direction in his life. (Okay, the guy has been sitting in the apartment for the last several months, playing "househusband." But it really was up to him...) And he thinks getting into the army and pushing forward and getting his life in order will help. I do agree.
It occurred to me that he may hate this time of year because his birthday is coming up. In the past, he has always griped to me about how he hated his birthday, how he was getting old and nothing accomplished. Last year, he was pretty down on his birthday. (Although did call me up, out of the blue, wanting to see me. ) And he did lighten up pretty quickly last year after it passed... He'll be 29 this April, and I know that hitting 30 without getting where he wants to be is really weighing on him. (Not that I think 30 is old! )
He asked me again, if he left again, would I be angry with him. (Duh...) I told him that's it, I'm not fighting anymore. If he were to leave again, yes I would cry, but that would be the end of it. He commented, sounding sad, that it would be three times to have walked out on me...how much he hated that I was upset before, and it hurt him to see the pain he caused me. He said he was sorry; I said I was, too.
He said how, before, he had left because he felt like he wasn't making me happy. I can see that, the things I was doing to give him that impression--and I've worked hard to correct it. He said he doesn't feel that way now, though.
He also said, if he was going to take off, he would have done it by now. That he's had that feeling for awhile, but he's just not listening to it. (Learning to move beyond the feelings, maybe??) He talked about how he had this dream, where there was a book representing our R. And it was at the end, and a hand was trying to close it. But he was trying to stuff more pages in, trying to write more, but he couldn't, no matter how hard he tried. I actually rather like the symbolism of it. He talked about how I was his "teddy bear" at night, and he had trouble going to sleep without me there. We were snuggled up close, and he commented that he didn't have that feeling where he wanted to physically get away, like he did before. Directly before and after both bomb#1 and bomb#2, H was sleeping on the couch, couldn't hardly stand for me to touch him.
I dozed back off again, and overslept. This is such a problem...I need to figure out a way to get up and get to work on time...it's so hard with all of these late night conversations with H.
I do feel less panicky about the whole thing. It hurts, yes...but less because of what he's saying and doing than because it just brings back so many painful memories. Stuff I would rather have just left buried. He's acting different, yes, but not anywhere near he did a year ago after bomb#2. Actually, I think he's making an effort to not be harsh. Which I appreciate. And, at times, I do see him just relaxing and having some fun.
H really seems to respond well to me staying backed off, letting go, and being independent. In the past, this quickly snowballed into him wanting to spend lots of time with me. (QT for me, yay! ) Not sure how long it will take for him to sort through stuff with me around... I'm not totally ignoring him, either. Just...letting him set the pace. I've seriously cut down the number and frequency of the ILY's--pretty much following his lead. And just sticking to the affectionate stuff that I know he likes the most...when I call him goodnight, when I kiss him as I head off to work in the morning...that sort of thing. I noticed he has been initiating a little more lately. He does like PT as much as I do.
We'll see. Patience, patience, patience... He's always given me much, much more in return.
H just made his daily afternoon call. I love hearing his voice...even when it's a little down...it's just good to hear from him.
He was basically apologizing. Said he didn't know what had gotten into him this morning. I told him that I didn't mind. After all, that's what I'm here for. H said that's why he loves me so much...I stick with him even when he gets in these moods. (Hey, I honestly don't mind the moods, as long as he's not being mean or running out on me. It's part of being human.)
I did mention BIL2 called last night. Said I thought his reason for calling was just an excuse. He's been concerned about H and I. (Isn't BIL2 a great guy?? ) H said that was one of the things that really gets to him--when his family starts coming down so hard on him. So...going to make sure that I don't add any more pressure.
He also said he might just go visit his father while in CA. I know he's kicked this idea around for some time. I agreed that it was a good idea--help him work through whatever may be bothering him. It's less about seeing his dad just visit his dad...and more about trying to figure out some stuff for himself. Maybe unbury some things so he can work through them.
H said again he hates that he gets this way, and doesn't understand why. He really, really wants to join the army--I think he's looking forward to jump-starting his life, plus taking a time-out to think. (Sounds weird when considering that it's basic, but he loves physical activity.)
And he told me he didn't think there was anybody else that would put up with his nonsense. He said ex-gf wanted to, but he just didn't want her. I told H that wasn't true...there are other people...but I just love him. He told me that he just didn't feel like being gushy right now, and I said that was okay. But he added he did like the affection from me, just didn't want me to do it because I'm trying to make him feel better. So, I can try being more affectionate, just no expectations. In other words...the best kind.
He gave me lots of WOA, which just makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. It let me know that I am doing what's right for me...
Backing off from H seems to have really worked. He called me yesterday 10 minutes till 5, wanting to know if I was coming home on time. (BTW, I rarely get out of work late... ) Said he wanted to see me before he left to have dinner with his friends. (I have been trying to get him to spend time with me ever since New Years! Note to self--H clearly has a thing about my being the pursuer too agreesively...)
He did want to cuddle when I got home. (Been craving this for awhile. ) We even ML. (This also seems to happen more now that I've totally dropped the subject. Hm...)
We chatted some while he got ready to leave. Some alien garbage, some normal stuff... I did tell H that I was a little hurt that I wasn't invited. He said it was only because he wanted to stay later than I would have wanted. I said that I probably wouldn't have gone anyway...just that sometimes it almost feels like he's embarassed of me. (No, not really...I'm probably exagerating...I have a bit of paranoia about being left out.) He assured me that he was not, of course, embarrased of me--and that he actually talks about me all the time. (I've heard this from other people as well, actually.)
At one point I told him that I feel like he won't let me get close to him. (Emotionally.) He said he was afraid--because he doesn't want me to get sucked into his problems. But that he was working on it...that he felt a little less of a barrier there...and he doesn't really like it, either. (I can't help but wonder...does he have issues because he thinks he should have issues?? Does that make any sense?)
He did give me a hug and kiss before he left--he's been slowly increasing the PT the last few days. ( ) H also asked me several times if I was angry with him for going. I told him of course not. (Yes, I did feel a little left out...but then again, I always do... Maybe I should take a closer look, and see if he really does always want me to not tag along? )
He thanked me several times for "letting" him go. The choice of wording strikes me as odd. Could just be how H says things...a lot of times it's just a little different from how I would say things.
I did notice that he seemed a lot more attentive to me/my feelings in general last night.
Went to the gym--that was nice. Three months, and my shoulder is doing better...I miss a lot of the upper body stuff I was doing... Last night was the first time it hasn't ached after a workout, even with the reduced routine. Yay!
Did some more drawing on the computer at home. That gets me so sucked in...I love doing it...
I called H when I went to bed. He didn't answer--not unusual, but I put a stop to any crazymaking. Just left him a goodbye message.
I didn't notice what time he came in. But he came in and gave me a hug and kiss. Thanked me again for "letting" him go...said he had really needed it... Told me that me giving him his space has made things so, so much easier for him. ( )
No weird alien middle of the night chat last night!! Yay!
When I was trying to get up this morning, H rolled and flopped on me. LOL I had to convince him that it really was a work day for me today. And, when I gave him my kiss goodbye, he tried to pull me down again. It's been a few weeks sinc he's done that.
H called today while I was at lunch with some coworkers. I think he was surprised I was busy--he asked where I was, and sounded confused when I told him "Olive Garden." I was very sweet with him on the phone. He was starting to use more affectionate language with me again. I promised to call him back later.
If I can see it's no big deal that I have lunch with a couple of coworkers, why does it freak me out when he goes out to breakfast with some people after work??
I called him back as soon I got in from lunch. H said he had a headache, so I talked softly with him. We just chatted for a bit, nothing about how he's feeling weird. ( ) He said again that he was glad I "let" him go out last night. I asked questions about his evening, wanting to seem curious but not like I was prying. Hope I didn't come across that way. It was a brief conversation, but very nice.
Guess I've been drawing too much...it started complaining that windoze was low on virtual memory. I've had some more RAM I've been meaning to put into it...my dad gave me some since I've been complaining. I guess three instances of Bryce all running at once just didn't make it too happy. I wonder why?? LOL (Geek translation: I was making it work much harder than it wanted to.)
So, put some more RAM in...gonna make sure it doesn't blow up before I add the other stick. (And if anybody is wondering, no, they don't really blow up...)
Anyway. Seeing less alien every day. Just letting him do his thing, and I'm doing mine. Actually, if anything, he seems rather paranoid that I'm upset all of the time. The last few times when I've just been sleepy, he's asked me if I was feeling okay. Very sweet, yes, but really...I'm just tired...
Finally got my license reinstated!! So now I can legally drive...not that I was driving without it... The whole thing was so anticlimactic. After all that fuss about paying the wrong court and trying to get to the courthouse to get the stupid paper...I was in and out of the DMV in under five minutes. Couldn't believe it. I had been avoiding going to the reinstatement center on Thursdays--the only day they are open late in the evening--because I was convinced I would just be stuck there forever. Last week I was too hungry to deal with it. I've tried going on lunch before, and couldn't get through fast enough...never seemed to be able to get up on Saturday.
Well, last night, I decided that it was on my way home, and I really need to address this procrastination issue I have. I wound up getting stuck behind a nasty wreck and stuck on the interstate for a good 30 minutes...walked into the branch 20 minutes before they were going close. I couldn't believe there were only two other people in the whole place! I literally got my number, and then immediately I was called up. Gave the lady my form, she tapped like three keys, and said "You're done." Sheesh.... I asked for a copy--to be safe, of course --and that was the only thing that cost me. Of all the ridiculous nonsense... So...I can now drive again!
H has not been home the last two days when I got home. Strangely, I'm not panicking...he was, of course, at the gym. (He's rather proud of himself that he seems to have dropped some of that excess weight he picked up last year when he was stress-eating. )
H has also been indicating that he wants to spend more time with me. Clearly the no-pressure has been helping him. Actually, he has thanked me repeatedly for it. Strangely, I don't even feel like I'm in limbo anymore... He's not leaving, and not terribly inclined to, or he would have taken off already. H has been more affectionate on the phone, calling me more frequently, and wanting to cuddle more.
Oh...and we talked some earlier about how he doesn't include me with his friends. Actually, he brought it up...said he was trying, but that it was hard... I told him it was okay, I understand what it's like to change something about yourself, and go against that nasty feeling in your stomach. He asked that I let him do it on his own pace, and I said that was fine. (Why wouldn't it be? He's trying, and that's the most important thing to me...)
Hm, what a difference a week can make...
We did have a couple of interesting conversations earlier. In one, H mentioned that he is aware I have my limits. He said he appreciates me being patient with him, and asked why I did it. I said because I would want him to do the same for me--and asked him if he would. He said of course he would, and sounded very sincere.
H also noted earlier that I'm not freaking out every time he mentions us possibly splitting up, like I used to do. (On a couple occasions I actually invited him to leave, if that's what he wanted... ) I just told him I feel like I've "been there, done that"--and, yes, I would be upset, and cry, but my tolerance for BS is sooo much lower now...I just wouldn't play that drama game again. Don't know what he though of that, but it's the truth, so it doesn't really matter to me.
I've stopped analyzing. Yes, I'm still looking for patterns...I can't seem to help it, it's the programmer in me. I just see loops everywhere I go...lol... And, we seem to be moving through this at a fairly decent rate. That's okay, I really think H has some personal stuff he needs to work through. And, as he keeps telling me over and over and over and over...he does better processing by himself. Actually, he tends to come back more affectionate, considerate, and in a better mood.
I'm also re-remembering some stuff I had figured out before. Guess I'm a slow learner. I've had that desire to withdraw myself a few times...some anger, some depression...just been trying to remember that those feelings are really just covering up some kind of pain. I actually try to visualize opening up like a flower to whatever it is I'm feeling deep down, and that seems to help. I'm consciously trying to not shut down, and just accept my hurt feelings for what they are, and not let them fester or run me over.
I can kind of see in H's behavior the things I know I feel. Which makes me inclined to think it's something buried deep inside that he's struggling with to accept about himself. He did have a lot happen to him as a child... I actually thought he was starting to process this stuff right before he got all "weird" (alien) on me again...but, who knows. Oh, he has "reasons" and "justifications"--now that I know what I'm looking for, I can see he's done this about this time of year every year...just different "reasons"... I know, analyzing again. Just a gut feeling, especially since he's been talking about his father so much lately, and possibly going to see him--he indicated earlier that he would like to tell him off (stand up to him?) now that he's an adult.
I've also put myself back in charge of my own healing. The last few weeks have reopened some things I thought I had dealt with. Kind of like the scab got knocked off. (What a gross analogy...lol...) I did tell H earlier it's not what he's doing now that's hurting me...it's just brought back some memories from before. Some really painful ones. I don't know if I got that across to him like I meant it or not, but I hope so. But I realized that, although it was H's actions that hurt me, only I can truly heal myself. Yes, this one of those things that I had figured out...and somehow forgotten again over the last few months... Kind of frustrating. Do I really learn that slowly?? lol
Anyway, spending a quiet evening at home with me tonight. Doing some drawing on the computer...just relaxing... We have a night out planned tomorrow with BIL2 and a couple of his friends. Bowling--should be interesting, with my messed up shoulder and all. H and I both think I should try using my left hand...lol...that'll be real funny.
Thanks for stopping by, NSN! I appreciate the visit.
So, I was right about psycho. (aka xrm) After H got the money out of her, she's been calling again. Yuck. I found out the other day that she has called twice, and I hadn't know about it... No, he wasn't intentionally hiding it from me, just thought it wasn't a big deal.
Anyway, the nut called again earlier. H didn't realize it was her--the number was blocked. Guess she invited us both to something. Double yuck, and weird! Don't know what was up with that. Although she still thinks that I'm pregnant....uh...yeah... lol I'm supposed to be pretty large by now. Whatever.
Guess I'm bothered because it reminds me of the past. Not so much that she called, or that H answered...I know she'll go away again...
H just caught me writing this. Ooops. He asked me if I was "that bothered" by her calling...told him I was just venting...
I had some other thoughts, but they'll have to wait until tomorrow or Monday. We're going out bowling with some friends tonight.
Hi Nevanna - Finally got caught up here - phew - can I say roller coaster?
Just thinking out loud, is there any way you can have a direct conversation with FF in AZ? Like Ellie, I guess this one sticks out like a big, rotten fish
Was also wondering what H's schedule would be like once he starts school, whether some of the issues about flirting will go away or get worse
ATM, I'm in Chicago for training. Thank goodness for laptops and high speed internet!
I had also gotten the impression lately that some of you were frustrated with my H...and it was something I really needed to not hear in order to focus. I know you all mean well... ...it just wasn't helping me.
Got myself a new plan, and things were going better for awhile. Now H is really stressed--GED test today and tomorrow. He even went over to my parents' house to study last night since I'm out of town. (!!) I know these are all things that make him withdraw, and feel "weird." (I am getting so sick of hearing him say that.)
So...new plan... Let Go Seems to be working well.
I'm realizing some of my expectations for H have been unrealistic...that I can't even adhere to them, just in my work environment. If I can't--voluntarily--do this stuff, how can I expect him to? We also got a new analyst in my department...I'm noticing that she does some of things I've been complaining that H does. And they are definately innocent. Hm. Too hard on H again.
Since I've started the "Let Go"--again, actually, this worked in the past...--H has generally been offering more information on what he's doing, who he's talking to, etc. Wants to make sure I'm not upset.
I also know H has set some boundaries for himself, in his conduct around women in general. Maybe not what I would prefer, but boundaries nonetheless...hey, it's a start, since our relationship was incredibly casual up until bomb #1. And he does acknowledge, now, that intimate conversation with a woman isn't a good idea. He even felt bad one time when he slipped and was having a bad day, and talked to a FF of his...
Also noticed that he's been trying to include me. He actually asked me if I maybe wanted to visit some new friends of ours one night, when he was in one of his moods. This is a major first for him. We wound up not going, but, still, that's not the point...
I'm having a hard time with this whole Chicago training thing. I know I'm only four hours away from home...but it brought up a lot of bad memories for me. Some actual flashbacks. I was having anxiety for the couple of days right before I left...no, it's not as bad as when H went to California back in November. I did break down and cry a couple of times, though.
But as I was leaving...ugh...yes, flashbacks. I remember when H kicked me out of the apartment, when I went and took some clothes...I just stuffed a bunch of stuff in a bag, clean and dirty. He offered to help me take it down to the car, and I was sooo furious with him. Why place nice, when he was forcing me out of my home? That one kept running through my head when H carried my bag downstairs for me Sunday night...
And staying in a hotel. Yuck. I remember how I could hardly sleep, I was so anxious my stomach was upset... I remember BIL2 calling me from Kuwait to make sure I was okay. And then, after we talked, H calling me and yelling, demanding, to know what I had told his brother--telling me I couldn't talk to his brother.
I didn't do too bad after I got here last night. Wandered around Chicago for a bit, trying to find the hotel. I'm lousy with directions. But I got here and found it okay. It's a nice hotel...
I was fine during the day, during training. Had to do more work than I wanted after the training. Whatever, what are you going to do...
Feeling pretty alone tonight. I miss H, and I miss my animals. I really miss my dog. H said she misses me, too. He was a little weird on the phone earlier...but I'm not surprised, since he's been so stressed. I'm just upset and lonely tonight...more remembering past hurts than anything else.
H keeps asking me if I'm having fun. Sorry, business trip to Chicago and me not having any extra money isn't fun. I and my team lead have been suckered into all day training, plus site maintenance afterwards. Yuck, yuck, yuck. I'm just trying to figure out how to squeeze in some gym time. I know...this would be his idea of fun...but, really, I miss my computer. (Don't laugh, I am a geek...lol...)
And it's kind of difficult to know how to handle it with H. 99% of the time, he nails me when I just try to hide the fact that I'm upset. Although I've been able to beg off on "flu" for the last week. If I don't tell him, it bothers him that I'm upset. If I do...well...then he gets upset because he's hurt me. Ugh. No winning...although it seems to work better when I let him ask me, instead of me just dumping on him...
One day down. Eight more to go. H is coming up this weekend...I'm visiting a very good FF of mine, and he wants to come to. (And he kept talking about fixing his car, so he could some see me. )
Feeling better after some writing... It always does good for me.
) Well, H had already gotten some clothes, but he did thank me. 
All normal H stuff. We were chatting while I ate...he even said a couple of things he thought might have upset me, then quickly offered some reassurances.
I did thank him for that. (Hey, I have been telling him he can always talk to me...he just usually wants to talk in the middle of the night...
But, maybe he really is trying to just be upfront and honest with me. A lot of times, I can't tell that he's doing/saying something as reassurance, since it's not what I would expect or do. 
This is such a problem...I need to figure out a way to get up and get to work on time...it's so hard with all of these late night conversations with H. 
) H also asked me several times if I was angry with him for going. I told him of course not. 
H didn't realize it was her--the number was blocked. Guess she invited us both to something. Double yuck, and weird! Don't know what was up with that. Although she still thinks that I'm pregnant....uh...yeah... lol I'm supposed to be pretty large by now. Whatever.
