To be honest, H has cut expenses. We both have. I just goofed--badly--this paycheck. Whoops. (This is one of the reasons we're looking into consolidating our debts.)
As for the not working...well...we discussed this for a very long time, and I agreed to let him have a "break" before going to school. To be fair, I did the exact same thing to my last semester of college. He worked fulltime, I had one (incredibly easy) class and basically goofed around at home. I've also done this two other times while in between jobs. So I don't begrudge him asking for his turn. (And he did sign up for his GED today.)
Oh...and he actually has talked about getting a parttime job. I think his friend may get him one here, soon.
(Can't help it, I tend to defend him... )
Quote: This isn't you...this is his problem, and until he realizes he doesn't have to be a victim of all these circumstances he is frustrated with, his feelings probably won't change. He needs to put a lot more effort into this, IMHO.
I completely agree. I've been trying to "plant" those ideas casually in his mind, but who knows if they'll take root.
I do know one thing...H has been frustrated his entire life. No one has ever really encouraged him. I even see it with his family. It amazes me how much he accomplishes when I start telling him how good he is at something instead of complaining when he doesn't do something.
And pushing him to do things doesn't help. I've tried that...and it completely backfired. Letting go and letting him do it has gotten more done in the last few months than the entire time we've been together. As much as I hate the idea of him joining the guard, I know how it helped his brother, and I think it will help him (us) a lot, too.
sigh
We had another deep conversation tonight. Same basic stuff as last night. I've been trying to emphasize that talking to me helps me--even if it seems to upset me, I am less upset than if he just runs from me. H admitted he does want to run, but is fighting himself. I told him that his feelings are okay, they are just feelings, and he should never be ashamed of them.
Some interesting tidbits. He told me he thinks I should have been more hard on him (over the PA). He's amazed that I was willing to take him back. And that he realizes the minute he touched her how badly he ruined things. I told him that this is a new a relationship, and that we can just leave the old one behind. He said it's hard for him to do that...hurts too much.
Oh...he also said after our talk (and we easily talked for an hour or more) that he was actually feeling somewhat better than yesterday. He was acting more normal, too.
I wanted to go to the gym with H, but I've had a touch of a cold, and have just felt lousy the last couple of times I've gone. And he wants to stay longer than I do. So I let him go, no fussing...had to fight myself. I did delay him a few minutes, but was careful not to let myself get out of hand.
We were just joking around when I mentioned that I think of sex talk on the internet as cheating. He got this serious look, and asked me what I was talking about. I said I have a problem with it--a serious problem. He asked why. I said because it detracts from our M. I asked him why he was concerned. He said that he had before. Told me it was about six months ago. Something about an adult site, so it was with someone anonymous. (That actually gave me a little relief...I would have had a bigger problem if it were with someone he knew or could stay in contact with.)
He asked how big of a problem I would have, and I said it would be a serious problem. H said he was likely to do it anyway, just because I told him not too. (How teenage is that?? lol) I told him that was fine, and if that were the case, he might as well just walk out the door as far as I was concerned. I wasn't harsh, just firm. He came over, looking concerned, said again it was six months ago, one time, and he didn't know it would upset me. I said that was fine--if he didn't know, he didn't know. But now he does.
I consider the matter done with. Hopefully I didn't upset him too much.
But what surprised me was his change in attitude. I have never been that firm about something in the M, and I stand by this one. He seemed concerned... I'm curious to see how this plays out later...
I did tell him that I would probably be asleep when he gets back. He asked me to call him and tell him goodnight. Said that he really likes that.
Hiya, Nev! You can't imagine how I agonized over those posts before I sent them, because I didn't want you to be hurt by them. I am so glad you took them as I intended, as a caring concern being shared by a friend. It is totally okay for you to defend him - I have certainly done my share of it. To be fair, I believe you posted about the break from work thing, but I had just forgotten it.
I think you are doing great encouraging him, and I hope your loving encouragement will help him speedily catch up on the time he has lost being frustrated. You are right about not being able to push him - he needs to do this kind of thing on his own.
Part of why I think I am so concerned is because of my history - your h's recent odd behavior raises alarms for me that are already very sensitive. I feel your struggles to trust him, and I see things that my H is doing to reassure me, but since I am not in your sitch, I don't see the things your H is doing.
My hugs to you - I know that tonight's disclosure was probably a bit painful...so you'll be in my thoughts.
Thanks again for understanding the caring behind what I was saying, Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
I'm in a very weird place today. I think I've been focussing too much on H's behavior...
I feel...raw...somehow....
He actually seemed very "back to normal" last night.
sigh
Did a bad thing, did some snooping. Yeah, I know, go ahead, whatever. He's really into his new email thing, and mostly he's been writing this FF who just moved to AZ. No, nothing over the top or anything...just find it a weird coincidence that now he's made some new friends, and all of the sudden I'm getting less attention. I told him last night that I feel like I'm the "old toy." I also noticed that he opened a new gmail account. He hasn't mentioned it to me yet. I'm not going to let him know I figured out his new password. (Although I don't have the one to his gmail account.) I guess, at this point, I just want to be prepared. Feel like I've been there, done that, and now I want some information. I don't really care that I shouldn't be doing it. I'm rather sick of hearing about how he wants his stupid privacy.
Sorry, venting...
There's a part of me that really, really want to start saying: "Here are the things that I will and will not tolerater in our M." (Did a piece of that last night, actually.) And, if he can't deal with that, he really can just leave. Let him DB and try to figure stuff out.
No, I'm not going to to that...
Just venting.
Wonder if the snooping is making me mad?? No...I was mad before that... Geeze, have I lost ground in this healing process. sigh Feel like I've been thrown back several months. I feel exactly like I did when I was just plain maaaad at H.
Okay, so what I am going to do?? Make a list of all of the boundaries I have. (Not a laundry list of "what H can't do." ) Not share it with him, but gently introduce these ideas...that seems to work best...
H said some things that really clicked with me last night. The whole "I'm not good enough" speech. When I got that before, I think I was being critical and didn't even know it. I have been feeling grumpy lately. Is H not wanting to be around me because I've given him some unconscious cue that I'm not open or available? I know this has been the case in the past.
Hopefully, H really is getting over the weird feeling. (He told me he thought he was last night.) I know that I will be able to calm down, then.
Quote: I feel your struggles to trust him, and I see things that my H is doing to reassure me, but since I am not in your sitch, I don't see the things your H is doing.
This one really made me stop and think. I have a hard time, because often what I feel I need, H doesn't exactly match up with. Not to say that he isn't trying. Maybe I need to start paying attention--again--to what he's trying to do for me.
Ugh. Hope this wasn't too much of a jumble. Just feeling really out of sorts today.
I feel like I'm running in circles! LOL My emotions have just been all over the board today. Which...tells me that H has nothing to do with it.
So, it's going to take most of my check this week to repair the car. Could have been worse...but I'm not complaining. We own it, it's worth the money.
H also seems normal again. Probably my insane range of (emotional) responses has been due to fear. I've been careful not let my extreme spill over into action...although there has been some leakage.
Hm. Rather embarassed about the snooping now. Oh well.
Anyway, H and I were talking, and we definately need to make some major changes in how we handle finances. H suggested I was doing a lousy job, and that he take control. Which panicked me--I have such a hard time giving up control. Although he is right. I'm doing lousy. We're going to put our heads together tonight to try to figure out a better way.
I've calmed down a lot. I'm thinking a good trip to the gym and some introspection will get me back under control.
Nevanna, I'm sorry your having a bad day. I am too. I have cried already today. I want to commend you on your great work of saving your marriage. I read your thread a while ago and have lurked since. You have done a tremendous job and I am happy for you. You are one the successes and it is always good to hear about a marriage saved. Good luck to you and try to have a nice day. tomorrow will be better.
H seems to be back to normal. (For the most part.)
I, however, am still a mess.
Spent a chunk of money to fix his car. He's still working on it over at his mother's house since they have a garage.
I'm waffling between withdrawing from him and feeling hurt. I feel so incredibly hurt and alone again. And I was doing so well.
It's so hard to just let my guard down. I worked at it for months, and felt I had a really good grip. Somehow, I've lost that. I'm terrified again. I'm reading way too much into everything. I feel like I'm back at the stage where I'm just waiting for things to crumble.
Tried calling H just a minute ago, ostensibly to tell him goodnight. I know he's distracted with the car and all....but I finally jut admitted that I was feeling scared. He asked why, and I couldn't even put my finuger on it. Just scared. He said somethign about there not being a reason for me to be--all the while fiddling with the car. I know once he gets his mind into something like that, he really can't detach it. But all I wanted was just a little reasssurance. I flat out asked him if he was upset with me or if I had any reason to worry...and he kind of brushed me off.
So I wound up just thanking him for doing all that work himself on his car, since it saves us money. Then I told him goodnight and hung up.
I'm not saying he's been totally dismissive of my feelings the last few days. Last night he was literally trying to keep me out of bed so he could just talk to me for a few minutes more. I'm just feeling really disconnected from him right now. Probably because of the last couple of weeks. And I haven't seen him much the past two days. I think I would feel more reassured if we had ML recently...but we haven't... And, even those he says he's not feeling weird anymore (and he doesn't seem like it), I swear he's actually been more distant. sigh Of course, that could just be my paranoia popping back up...it's so hard to tell.
Hugs to you. I'm sorry that you are feeling like "such a mess" -- from your posts for the last week or so it's clear to me that you've been dealing with not only your own sort of normal "piecing stuff" but also a ton of h's "stuff" too...that's a lot for one person! And now that h is feeling better and he's distracted by the car, well, of course you're feeling a little raw!
So...can you just feel it and be ok with it? a la "I feel raw and hurt and insecure and I know it's because I just went thru a crappy time and that's understandable..." OR, can you do something special for yourself to soothe yourself? OR, and this is a scary one, can you draw a wee bit CLOSER to h (not through talk necessarily but thru action)...IOW, face the fear and do it anyway? Make a date with him? Stand up to your fear? Not take your perception of his distance personally?
All super human stuff for someone who's still in the midst of an emotional time...but you've got choices ... how about laying low for a day or two and just tending to you?
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quote: So...can you just feel it and be ok with it?
I guess...I'm somewhat frustrated because I thought I was past this junk. I know that being upset because I'm upset is only going to make it worse. But being thrown back into such an emotional quagmire out of the blue really hit me hard. I feel like I'm having a harder time dealing with it now than I did before...although I realize that's probably not true.
Quote: OR, and this is a scary one, can you draw a wee bit CLOSER to h
Actually, I tried this. I stopped calling him as frequently and quit asking him for as much stuff. Instead, I tried to cuddle with him or get close physically. (We both love PT.) He said he didn't feel like being touched. After that, I just stayed more backed off...
Quote: how about laying low for a day or two and just tending to you?
I kind of have been, although not intentionally. I've just...sort of withdrawn...quit pursuing him or trying to be around him, really. Let him do what he wanted.
I'm definately depressed. I have no desire to do anything. Don't want to clean. Don't want to draw. I'm having trouble concentrating at work. Been forcing back crying. Even music doesn't sound good right now. I actually had to force myself to sit down and write this--although I know that writing will help me sort things out and feel better. Why is it that depression feels lousy, but just sort of sucks you down so you almost don't want to climb back out??
I do know that this feels like an accelerated version of how I felt after we reconciled. I went through the angry my-H-will-never-stop-flirting phase already. Yeah, I was pretty mad. Now I'm depressed. Next I'll be sad...which, honestly, I think is the easiest to deal with. After that I'll start to feel better...
Some things clicked in my head over the past couple of days. For one, H was sounding the same as he did prebomb; I was feeling the way I did prebomb. Hm. He was digging for compliments. Hm. H was also comparing me to his family again. It was in a positive way, but I've noticed in the past that he draws away from his family when he feels that they are being too critical. Hm. H was suddenly really into his email, and has been talking with some girl who moved to AZ recently. Nothing out of line or anything (I know all of this because I snooped...whack away if you want...), but I know he starts seeking out new friendships because those are usually very validating in the beginning. Hmmmmm....
So I wondered if H felt I was being too critical. He's way more sensitive than he will admit (especially with his "I'm a mean prick!" exterior). So...I decided to be as reaffirming and validating as possible while still staying backed off. Every chance I got, I told him something he was doing was great or thoughtful or smart, and listened whenever he wanted to just gripe. He talked about how he was working hard at changing the alternator to save us more money on his car, and I told him how much I appreciated that. I made sure to thank him today when I noticed that he had picked up the kitchen some. When he got in late last night, after having a hard time working on his car, and was really excited that he finally got it--I told him how I knew he would figure it out, and that I'm so glad he's good at that kind of stuff.
I did notice a few things over the past few days. H might not be feeling 100%, but he's definately feeling better. He actually called me today when he woke up, just to say "hi." Almost even sounded sappy on the phone! It's been a couple of weeks since he's done that--he actually used to do that almost daily.
He also could tell I was pretty down today when I got home from work. He kept asking me what was wrong, and I just kept saying that I was feeling down. I didn't know how--and didn't want to--articulate what was really going on. And he's even started offering me some reassurances.
We went to the gym together, and I could tell he was trying to cheeer me up. I played along, even though I felt pretty low. Guess I need to train myself to respond to his reassurances again. The workout did help some. But the effect seems to have worn off already. I was finishing up with the bike when he said he was done. He thought it was pretty cool that we finished at the same time--so I just didn't mention that I had wanted to some other stuff, since he needed to leave in order to get ready to go to work.
I'm wanting to take my little mini-vacation. Unfortunately, I just sank the majority of my check into fixing his car. It needed done, and it's definately worth the money, Just nothing extra for a couple of weeks. I do think I will stop by the tanning bed tomorrow. That's always good for a little pick-me-up. I'm also going to make it a point to buy something--anything for me each paycheck. I seem to let that slide a lot.
Been feeling a little ill--physically--the past week or so. Some kind of small bug or other. Could be allergies. I've had a runny nose for weeks....always seems to happen to me in the winter. Something about the temperatures or the heaters or something. I don't know. But my stomach has been feeling just a tad quesy for the past week or so, and it's driving me nuts. Just enough to make me not that interested in eating, but not enough to really qualify as being full-blown nausea. Ugh.
Sorry for all of the griping. Something about getting it out and in writing is therapeutic for me.
Quote: Some things clicked in my head over the past couple of days. For one, H was sounding the same as he did prebomb; I was feeling the way I did prebomb. Hm. He was digging for compliments. Hm. H was also comparing me to his family again... So I wondered if H felt I was being too critical. He's way more sensitive than he will admit (especially with his "I'm a mean prick!" exterior). So...I decided to be as reaffirming and validating as possible while still staying backed off. Every chance I got, I told him something he was doing was great or thoughtful or smart, and listened whenever he wanted to just gripe. ... When he got in late last night, after having a hard time working on his car, and was really excited that he finally got it--I told him how I knew he would figure it out, and that I'm so glad he's good at that kind of stuff.
I did notice a few things over the past few days. H might not be feeling 100%, but he's definately feeling better. He actually called me today when he woke up, just to say "hi." Almost even sounded sappy on the phone! It's been a couple of weeks since he's done that--he actually used to do that almost daily.
He also could tell I was pretty down today when I got home from work. He kept asking me what was wrong,
OK, Nevanna. You are doing some great Dbing and it is paying off. You have observed well and put in some corrections and seen immediate results. Keep it up.
I know that you are still feeling low... but the last line concerned me. From H's perspective, he has felt better being around you and he is motivated by your WOA to pick up the phone and call. This is great.
Now I know why you are depressed and I Know why you are not thrilled, etc... but... do not cut him off with your depression when he is just beginning to find it quite appealing to be around you again. Act as if you are ok when he comes home... or
if that is impossible... give him huge validation for noticing and caring....
It's nice to see your around again.
We both have. I just goofed--badly--this paycheck. Whoops. (This is one of the reasons we're looking into consolidating our debts.)
It's been a couple of weeks since he's done that--he actually used to do that almost daily.