Quote: I get so scared that I am being fooled again.
We all do. It just takes time.
Quote: I already know that when I do stuff on my own he gets excited by this and desires me more, I like myself more.
One of the best cures for the blahs is getting out and getting a life. It distracts, gets your mind off of the nonsense, boosts your confidance and PMA... And you can see all the residual plusses.
Well, after being in such a goofy mood yesterday, I'm just plain tired today. All these late night talks with H are leaving me tiiiiiired. Okay, it's also my fault that I'm not going to bed earlier, but I have such a hard time telling him no when he's asking with those big brown puppy dog eyes if I'll just run out real quick with to pick up a movie... (We've both decided that QT plays a big part for him. ) I think, after he quits working (after Christmas he's going to start pursuing school) I'll ask him to try to switch to a schedule that's at least closer to mine...
I've noticed that he's asked me a few times recently what I "write about him" on the boards. I just reassure him that it's not about him, but me, and how I react to the relationship. I've told him that there is some venting, but it was never about bashing him or putting him down...this is just my version of therapy. In the past I have offered to let him read the threads, and he has declined, saying that it's my personal thoughts. (On a public BB, no less. )
This morning, when he came to bed--seriously, maybe 40 minutes before I had to get up for work--he was upset. Said that he couldn't believe how badly he had hurt me. Wanted me to curl up really close to him...I know he gets a lot of comfort from that. He kept asking me to forgive him, and I told him of course I did. He asked if he had broken my heart. I said that he had--but that he had also put it back together again for me. H asked if had thought that "your [H's name]" was gone. (Weird pet saying we have...he says "my Nevanna" and I say "my [H's name]".) I said I did feel that way...but now I feel like I have him back. He said he just felt so guilty, he couldn't believe I still wanted him. I snuggled closer, told him that I was still here, that I loved him, and I wanted him. He said that it was a miracle I was still there. I asked him if he felt better now than he did several months ago. (I know I sure do!) He said no, he still feels very guilty. I told him I forgive him. H said he didn't know how to forgive himself.
At that point, I just started to massage him. Which is actually kind of hard for me, since I managed to do something to my shoulder at the gym. (I never bothered to go to the doctor, but whatever I pulled was pretty bad.) I think we both fell asleep then.
In a way, I'm glad H feels guilty. That means he knows his actions were wrong, and he knows he hurt me. Which means he's not likely to repeat those mistakes. But, at the same time, I don't want him to hurt anymore. I love him, and I hate to see him in pain. I realize I can't fix it--he has to figure out how to do that--but I can be there for him.
Just a reminder to myself, since I'm pretty good at forgetting it...I don't need to browbeat H with the "you hurt me" speech, because he really does know it, and that's not productive. And, when I back off, H is able to let his guard down more, which gives me the reassurance that I really need.
I've also noticed H is opening up more. Which is good for both of us. It creates feelings of intimacy for me--personal conversations, sharing feelings, all that girly touchy-feely stuff--really creates that emotional bond for me. I also think, despite what he says, talking about it may help ease his fears and anxieties. We'll see.
We did have nasty blow-up on Tuesday night. Petty on both sides. Some name-calling. He slammed some doors--said "if I don't get what I want, then you don't either." I called him a 12-year-old. (He said he must be 12, then.) Yeah, real mature on both sides. Maybe we needed to blow off some tensions? Interestingly, it was very pre-bomb#2-ish. Scared me, scared him. But we were fine by the next day. (We both asked each other a few times to double-check, though. ) So if the measure of a relationship is how fast the couple recovers, we're making progress.
And I have babies on the brain. Really, really badly. I declared yesterday that my period was late. (Okay, so it wasn't yet, but I had expected it sooner.) H asked if I was pregnant, and I said "I dunno." We decided that would be pretty funny, since I'm on BC, and we've ML the least number of times this last month than in any of the last six months. (Because of the cryo procedure I had done.)
We even started talking about names in the car last night. Which, apparentally, is going to be hard... LOL... We couldn't agree on anything. I decided I'm getting a baby names book. H kept suggesting all of these very common names. Which, since I have an *incredibly* common name (no, Nevanna is not my real name...unfortunately...)...I would hate to do the same to my child. Although I said we shouldn't settle on a name that either of us didn't like. (Which led to lots of "veto" a la Ross and Rachel on Friends. )
And...when we got home, I realized I had gotten my period. I must admit, I was a tad dissappointed. Not that there was any reason to think I might have been, since I'm on BC and I wasn't even really late...guess I just want a baby. It'll probably be awhile before I feel like we're arranged enough to actually try, but, that's okay. We discussed getting married for a good two years before we finally did it.
We also got into an interesting discussion on MLC. Not sure why H brought it up...probably my offhand references to stuff here on the boards...but he wanted to know what I would do to help him. I gave him the general answer of "be supportive, let you do your thing, not make fun of you for the impulsive stuff." I also reassured him that not everyone runs out and has an affair. (Wasn't sure if that was what he was afraid of.) And that it's best just to let the MLCer works things out in their own way.
He kept pressing, asking what I would do, knowing him, how I would get involved. Said he wanted to see how well I knew him. And he used the example of asking me if I would, say, suggest a weekend out for him or something like that.
So, I told him, if we didn't have any, I would help him buy a motorcycle. And, depending on what he wanted, I might ride with him (my own bike) or suggest weekend trips away. I would take the time to, maybe, find a nice bike route or a convention or something and suggest that to him. He asked what else I might do. I thought about it for a minute, and told him that if he hadn't gotten all the tattoo work done he wanted by then, I would suggest getting some more tattoos, maybe helping him out with the designs. He thought that was a cool idea, and seemed pretty exicted, saying I really did know him well. (:))
H asked about what I would be most upset about during MLC. I said that, if I hit that age, and had not done any of the creative things I would like to, that would be the thing to most likely upset me. I've always wanted to be an author. Whether or not I could get something published, I would like to at least have finished writing something. I also said I would want to have gotten better at the digital art I have worked on, since that's a huge interest of mine. Or, that I would want to do some world travelling. There are lots of places that I want to see and visit, so I think that will be a big thing for me when I have the time and the money.
Then, I commented that the irony of MLC is that, often people who reach that age are in a better position to do the things they have always wanted to. (I do realize that's not always true.) Their kids are grown or can be left for longer periods of time, and you've been working long enough to be making more money and have more vacation. I do realize it's about facing growing old and the choices we've made in our lives...and most especially about the things we have not be able to accomplish that we always wanted to. But it was also interesting to realize the new sorts of opportunities that come up at that point in life.
The whole conversation was kind of weird. I mean, trying to guess what my crisis may be if I have MLC??
Interesting...looking back, I think H is trying to plan ahead for any sort of R problems we may have in the future. Very sweet, actually.
I realized a few things over the weekend, and thought they would be interesting to make a note of. It shows how far H and I have really come along.
kids
Not only does H want kids--a radical change from just a year ago--but the number he wants has gone up. From 1...to 3.
holiday enthusiasm
It was nonexistant. "Grinch" was a pretty good term for H. Said Christmas sucked because his childhood was lousy. (To make a long story short.) This year... Well, after Thanksgiving, he found a station on the radio that was playing Christmas tunes. And was enthusiastically singing along.
household chores
We have them pretty evenly split, which is a nice changed. I honestly don't feel like I'm doing all of the work anymore.
trust
I don't feel like I'm fighting myself so much anymore. I'm not making rational arguments against my crazymaker. It actually feels deeper, more real. And this one makes sense. The first time we reconciled (which only lasted three months), H was saying he was going to leave me...but he was still acting like he was angry and distancing himself. Now, he's acting like the guy I married. (They really do come back from the mothership... )
And...I'm no longer dwelling on the PA/two seperations/psycho stuff constantly. There are days it doesn't even cross my mind.
I don't have that weird sense of unreality. I used to feel this bizarre disconnect...like H and I were living this lie, or it was a show put on for other people. That we were hiding something. Weirdest thing. That's gone.
Something else I found interesting...I'm beginning to think H hasn't dealt with things. At least, not all the way. This does worry me, because he has a tendency to just not deal with traumatic events, period. I can tell, because I will make an offhand comment about something, and he will get very upset about it. It could be something relatively small, that I've said without really thinking about it. But he actually asked me the other day to drop a subject, saying he "wasn't ready to talk about it."
And that's fine with me. I just hope he figures out a way to deal with things.
But then, maybe I'm still being a bit of an alarmist. We have had several late, late, late night (=4am) conversations where H has just cried on me about everything.
I love seeing your progress, gives me lots of hope.
I could really relate to the feeling of unreality. Sometimes I feel like H and I are living a lie. We appear to be happy (and we are) but we have this deep dark secret. I cannot wait for that feeling to fade.
I'm it was hard to deal with your H crying but be thankful. I am hoping my H reaches the point where he feels comfortable discussing what happened with me. I get bits and pieces but would love to have a long discussion (tears or not). I am afraid he is keeping it all bottled up and is going to explode one day.
Quote: Sometimes I feel like H and I are living a lie. We appear to be happy (and we are) but we have this deep dark secret.
That's it exactly! It used to drive me crazy. I'm not sure when it went away; I just realized the other day that it was gone.
Quote: I am hoping my H reaches the point where he feels comfortable discussing what happened with me. ... I am afraid he is keeping it all bottled up and is going to explode one day.
There was a lot of work involved in getting my H to feel comfortable talking to me. Time and patience are the two biggest things. I also learned a lot about what sorts of things make him feel good--how to push his "happy button."
I do think that one of the best things you can possibly do is just give it time. Do things together that are bonding activities for the two of you. Don't judge his feelings (no matter what he may say). I've noticed H seems more likely to get upset/let go after we've had a particular good day or few days together. Maybe he needs that comfort zone first?
Anyway, from what I know of your sitch, your H may be afraid of scaring you off by letting you know too much too soon.
You're probably right. I know what happpend (the ONS) and it killed him to tell me that. Telling me how he felt about it would probably scare the crap out of me (good or bad). I am having a hard enough time dealing with my own emotions much less his.
We'll get there. Your sitch is giving me the hope I need to keep going.
Well, I'm glad it helps. Seriously...time. Just give it time.
I've had to come to grips with the fact that I may never understand the "why" behind it all. I don't think H knows, so there's no way for me to know. I mean, I can tell you all the factors that lead up to it...but don't have any idea why the actual PA happened, or what was going on in his head. Does that make sense?
You'll find, though, it will be less and less important to you over time.
Well, last week sucked @$$ at work. Got a speeding ticket on Saturday. The guy even wrote down my last name wrong...makes me wonder if it invalidates the ticket.
But....life is good on the R front. Which makes me feel like the rest of the stresses in my life really are trivial.
H brought up babies twice yesterday. (And he thinks I'm baby-crazy....) He was actually staring--blatantly--at my stomach while we were at a Christmas party. And then commented that he wished I was pregnant. (:))
And then, later, when we were hanging out at BIL2's house, he told me that marrying me was the best thing he had ever done is his life. (:D) And that he couldn't remember or imagine a time when I wasn't a part of his life.
I had a hard time going to sleep last night. Too much chocolate and Christmas goodies, I think. We ML, and I sort of dozed off, and began mumbling stuff to him. I never would have said it if I had been awake.
I was asking him about this time he had said I felt like his sister. Not like his wife. That he said he wasn't that attracted to me anymore. (Typical WAS, obviously.) He had the great timing of telling me this on our drive down to the viewing for my grandmother's funeral. (Nice timing, huh?)
H told me he had never meant it. Said that he was very attracted to me. I don't know what to make of it--just going to file it in under "WAS Weirdness" and leave it at that.
I apologized, told him I hadn't meant to bring it up. He said it was okay. He then told me there was one thing he kept running over and over in his mind... When he had asked me to leave the apartment, I had begged him to just let me stay...that we would figure out something. And how he had just wanted to hold me and tell me everything would be okay, but he didn't. That he wished, more than anything, he could take that back.
At the time, I can remember seeing a flicker of doubt is his eyes. But I hadn't been sure if I was just seeing what I wanted to. I remember thinking, at the time, that he didn't seem to happy with himself.
But then we started talking about other things. Distraction seems to be the best remedy at this point.
Can't wait till Christmas. I'm cooking...gonna get stuff full of turkey and play video games. And, after the new year, I should have some vacation coming. Yay!
Christmas was great. H is still avoiding my parents, which is okay. As I suspected, he feels guilty and inadequate. He told me later he would have made the effort to get up early and go see them, but he doesn't feel ready yet. That's fine. Time will take care of it...
We spent the rest of the day with his family. Cannibalized my home network so they could set up three Xbox's in a giant game of Halo. (I swear, they're addicted...lol...)
I had a down day a few days back, but no big deal. And the psycho is gone!! YAAAAY!!! She hasn't called in over a month. I answered his cell a couple of times, and he started demanding money...and poof! she vanished.
Looking forward to New Year's, and a three day weekend. H works Friday night, and then he's quitting and starting school. Should be fun.
I've been really emotional the last few days. Not the whole wacked-out-roller-coaster-from-the-sitch stuff...just really all over the place. I swear, a different--and drastic--mood change every couple of hours. It's really getting on my nerves. I just went from depressed, to indifferent, to teary-eyed just in the past few hours. (I went grumpy, whiny, needy, lovey-dovey, demanding, irritated, calm....probably some more...last night.) It's like PMS on steroids. No triggers, just...radical changes in mood. Don't know what's up with that, but it's driving me crazy.
(Case in point...was wiping my eyes when I started this post, now I'm feeling really good and happy. Sheesh.)
It distracts, gets your mind off of the nonsense, boosts your confidance and PMA... And you can see all the residual plusses. 
) 
) So if the measure of a relationship is how fast the couple recovers, we're making progress. 
