Today and yesterday was filled with positivity. My H called me not once but 3 times to say he would be late. This is something that was one of our issues over the years, that is no call, doesn't show up after shift is over, only God knew when he would be home. His answer to me was always "I don't answer to you". He also agreed to go away with me, something I have been wanting for a long time. I found a program called Retrouvaille and I want to ask him to go with me. Not sure how this will go. It's supposed to be a retreat where a married couple can rediscover themselves and there have been many success stories that go along with it. I can't believe things are starting to turn around. It's just getting better and better! We still have many issues but at least the tension from this summer is starting to fade. I like that he calls me all the time now to let me know what he is up too. It shows me that he's trying in a big way. I don't think we would have arrived at this point if it were for the DR book and this boards. Thanks to everyone on it for their support.
Thank you livnlearn. I haven't figured out how to do this. It's good for others to see where you have been and where you are now. I know it helped me keep going, when I read the more positive posts and success stories. How do you link by the way?
First you go to the first page of your previous thread, and then you select and copy (contol + c) the full URL in the address box at the top of the window.
Then you go to the post in your new thread and after putting the cursor at the point you want the link to appear, you click on the Instant UBB Code -"URL" underneath the posting box. It will open up a window at top left, where you paste (control + v) in the URL address you copied earlier. Then you click on the OK button and another window opens where you type in the title of the thread ("Making Progress" for eg) then click on OK again and voilà it is done!
Why not summarise a little more of your situation directly on this thread? You may attract more responses if people don't have to work too hard!
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Thanks so much again, and your suggestion is great too. I will post a summary here too. I haven't posted all that much. I did in the beginning then I was off DBing and now that I am feeling better I seem to post more. Thanks again!
Tonight we are going to dinner! I think we are getting there. We have been talking about future plans a little. My H is still like a clam when it comes to feelings though. He would rather not talk about them. I wish I could get him to open up and I want that heart to heart talk. The last few things I would like is that my H remove the OW # from his cell phone directory. I know for sure the calls have stopped and I want him to do it without me asking. I also want him to wear his wedding ring. I hate to bring it up because it shows I still look at his phone and if I keep at the wedding ring it's like I am nagging at him. I need a lot of patience here. But all in all I am excited about dinner. Keep piecing and stay focused...it's a long process. I guess it took us 10 years to get like this so I expect it to take at least a year to repair it.
We went to dinner and it was good but I felt tension. There was very little laughter and I actually had a hard time bringing up conversation. On the way home the OW popped into my head and I began to cry but didn't let H see this. Then the thoughts went away and we ML when we got home. We are definitely better than we were but I still have the need to talk about what happened with OW since I feel that H was not completely honest. There were too many lies and things that I found on my own. Part of me says it is the guilt that he feels because of what he put me through. The other part says that he doesn't want his family to know what he did, and then I feel that he is fearful of me knowing the entire truth. Since the end of July, he has only admitted things when I found them and confronted him. This is my biggest issue for moving on. I re-read the section in DR about A's. I know it will take time but I need to talk about it sometimes and when I bring it up my H thinks I am dwelling on the past. I told him I may have started the healing process sooner if I had felt he was completely honest with me. I still have fears that he is not. Then there are times when I wonder if what he told me is really all that happened and I cannot accept it. He told me that I can't handle the truth. I said "Why is there more". He said "no". I left it at that rather than pursue it but I was far from satisfied with our conversation. His answer leaves me in that guessing game I have been playing since late July and it makes me crazy. How do you get a spouse to hear you when all they want to do is forget about it? I feel like we are sweeping everything under the carpet. He doesn't understand that in order for me to fully trust him, I need him to be open and honest. Even if he can't understand, I need him to validate my feelings Uggggh! Then I feel like I am chasing something that I should just leave alone. No one likes to talk about unpleasant things but sometimes it's very necessary and I do not feel like we will get to a next step if we can't talk about it.
My new goals are;
1)I want my H to wear his wedding ring because he wants to not because I asked him to.
2) I want my H to show me appreciation like he used to. I miss "the just becauses".
3) I want to completely trust my H and feel that he is connected to me by being open and honest.
My H put his wedding ring back on! My fears of OW are finally starting to subsideI know she is gone but I still worry about what H feels and thinks of when he thinks of her. We have been steadily making progress over the past few weeks. My H told me ILU last night for the first time since all this happened. I almost didn't believe it and I think a part of me doesn't. I wanted to tell my H not to say it unless he really means it but decided that my H would not say something he didn't mean. It would have ruined the moment. I've definitely learned that biting my tongue is a real asset. I still worry but I know that worrying does me no good. It's sad, but after all this time I still think about the summer, the OW, and the sitch on a daily bases. I can't help it. The ideas just pop into my head with very little to trigger it. Yesterday I was shopping in Borders book store and noticed a lady that looked like a much older version of the OW. What's different now is I do not cry anymore when I think about it and it is beginning to bother me less. I really feel that the whole thing, as painful as it was, was a wake up call to both of us. We still have a long way to go but at least it's getting better. I am ever so grateful for finding this website, the books, and the people on this board! My new goals are;
For me; 1)Lose 15 lbs by March 31 2)Resume my education that went on hold when this all happened. 3)Attend the Retrouvaille Retreat in January with my H. ( He didn't exactly say yes but he didn't say no either, and I think he's going to go!) In the past he would put up a big fuss, make a face, and sigh when I even mentioned marriage retreats, counseling, or similar. He actually asked about it a little to my surprise.
Baaabs, I hope your still making progress, my D was final on 1/5. We still live in the same house for economic reasons and to help with the children. She still is having some phone contact with OM, but I think they are growing further apart. OM and his W are buying a convenience store together so maybe they will get back together and not get D-ed.
Anyways thanks for you help in the past. I hope to hear everything is going your way.
Had a good Christmas then the New Year brought more worries. I did what I am not supposed to do and brought up OW. I know that my H has lied. I had been doing a lot of snooping back in September. My H had bought a prepaid cell phone and I found out. My H swore she didn't have the number then I hire a PI firm and they pulled her phone records. My H's Tracfone # was on it. I called OW. She tried to deny it at first. Then we starting talking about how her boyfriend and I compared dates and that she and my H had planned on going fishing together. She admitted that it had been planned but proceeded to tell me that she didn't go. I know this part to be true. I got the nerve to confront my H and he denies it to my face. He cannot tell me the whole truth and it kills me that he is lying to my face. Read Hope Comes and Goes and then Making progress and you will all see where I have been and how far I have come. Then this. I told H that I have forgiven him for the A, even though he does not recognize it as such. I told him in the beginning that they did not have to have S in order for it to be an A. He doesn't believe in the term EA. I can decide to forgive him for the lies but he has yet to be honest and I don't know if I can live with that. Michele tells us to focus on what we can live with and what we cannot. I can live with H not helping out as much as I would like him to but cannot live with being lied to. It makes me think that more happened than he is willing to admit and that he will always lie to me in the future. I hate this agonizing feeling. Well the conversation set us back big time and I am having a really hard time finding a PMA this time and trying to act as if it doesn't bother me or trying to get back on track. Why can't I just let it go and accept his apology. I've let a lot go but can't seem to get this one out of my system. I feel as though I swallowed a lot of pride this summer by picking up the DB and trying to turn my M around. When it is time to call it quits? or do I keep living in agony and trying to put on a happy face when I really feel miserable sometimes. Each time I back slide I fear that I will never be able able to accomplish my goals and resolve my M. Does it really have to be this hard? I really need some advice or even a pep talk as to why I should continue when I feel so rotten right now.
