my husband has gone to korea for a year due to work. We just had a baby girl. We just got married in july. I have found out that he was talking to girls online while still at home and has admitted to a lieing problem. He lies about everything. Before he left he promised to go to therapy while in korea but has not done it since being there 3 weeks. I saw he wasn't going to do it so told him not to worry about it and just have fun. I didn't want to be disappointed. Then in anger later told him I told him that so I would not be disappointed. I worry he is cheating on me as he doesn't email or call me. If he does email me it is short. I call him and whenever I do he always says I love you and miss you. I usually call him about money issues because he was spending all of our money over there. He says the reason he was talking online to girls is I was not paying enough attention to him. Now he doesnt give me any attention or effort since being over there. I have been confused as what to do. How do I reel him back in to me? I sent him an email today asking him to send me a list of things he would like to see me change about myself and to please make a seperate list for what he expects from a wife. So I am waiting to see if he will email me back. Also I know he gets online but I never see him online. I only know he gets online because of one of his screen names on a site tells you when the person was last there. I wrote a poem on this site a week ago about how I was feeling and he read it. I didn't think he would. He said he didn't appreciate it very much. so I went back and wrote a good poem about him. I feel I have to nag him all the time to get stuff done or to even talk to me. His other complaint is my accusing him all the time and not trusting him but he has lied to me in the past and betrayed me with those girls online. I dont know wether he has ever cheated on me and I spend all my time trying to think of ways to pull that info out of him. I am a stay at home mom and he thinks of my 8yr old son as his. but doesn't call or email him. Again I have to call him for that.well here is the poem he did not appreciate
Do you see me? Do you even care? can you hear me or just pretend to be there/
No response is all I get Give and give for what we meant. I just sit here with nothing left.
I want to scream and cast you out You have no clue what I"m about.
So go and stay away I can't let you destroy me this way.
How can you be mad at me? What do you want from me?
Irrational and irresponsible, selfish and mean I guess what I saw was just a dream
Giving up is not my style so I would sit and stay awhile
You see what you see You offer yourself up but not for me
I pay a price to be with you I gave up everything for something new!!
With everyone else You offer yourself
Who the hell do you think you are? You were supposed to be my shining star
I will beg and beg and plead and be as perfect as you please
Give you a chance for one more start One more chance if I have a heart
Worry and tremble is all I do All of my agony because of you
Our family you left behind I have to keep my own peace of mind
All those rumors come around I have to hear all the sounds
It's not fair what I have to do You need to keep up and you need to choose
Build our trust and faith the same It's your fault so take the blame
Empty promises and lies for me Is that all you offer to be?
No more lies stop trying to hide
One more chance is all you get I've been saying this since the day we met
Think of me for once and what I am Give me all of you and not some scam
Who am I? I am your wife? Damnit it to hell you are my life!
You don't seem to understand and this is my very last stand
Do you see this? Do you even care? Can you hear me and even be there?
and here is the one I wrote to make up for it but got no comment from him on it.
He is everything anything I can't be without and I want to show him what it's all about Give him everything anything just for him to see He is my everything anything I can't believe Just how much he loves me
He is all the things I need him to be Without him I wouldn't survive in my sea He's all I ever wanted needed craved in me and I just can't believe just how much he loves me
Please god don't take his love from me because without him I am nothing less than anything in a crowd Oh why oh why did I scream so loud I must have been out of my mind in the clouds I would give all of me just to see why he loves me The one thing I want him to see I'll do anything above the things he does for me me. Just so he can see how I love him and I know it's got to be all he ever wanted
and here is the description I wrote of the poem
This poem is about how I feel about my husband right now and I wrote it to show him what I think of him when he isn't looking. Most of the time in a relationship you might not hear the true 95% of the time emotions. Insecurities and fears are what tend to get in the way.
I feel like he is moving further and further away. I will let you know how he responds to my email about the lists. I feel after that I should not bring up relationship talk anymore because I will have the list to refer to and try to stick to the list.
also he seems to take me for granted. He does not follow through with any thing he promises to do such as therapy. Should I just go dark? or should I do my best to show affection and be supportive no complaining and lots of effort on my part and no relationship talk for a few months and if he doesn't respond to that then go dark after he has gotten used to alot of attention from me. I am always givig him attention just negative attention. always pleading with him to follow through with promises.
Stop the nagging, read The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman and look for posts with situations similar to yours and look for what worked and try some of them.
Ok I ordered the book but it will take a few days to get here so what should I do in the meanwhile? Should I continue to email him about the kids and stuff even if he does not respond? should I tell him I love him and miss him in my emails?
I'm so sorry that you are going through all this. If you check out the articles on this website, you will see that Michelle's ideas about making your marriage work, is that you just need to back off. Your H isn't ready to listen to you right now and even telling him how much this is hurting the kids is really making the situation worse.
I did the same thing though. I just felt like if I talked enough or showed him enough research that supported the idea of us staying together, something I said or did would get through to him. It doesn't work though.
Check out Michelle's book, "Divorce Busting" and "The Divorce Rememdy." If you can't get the books right away, check out the info on the website in the article section.
Should I say I love you at the end of my emails? I went into his email box and deleted the emails I had previously sent him thank god he has not checked his email yet. The emails were just me trying to work on us with him. I am not emailing him untill he emails me.I will not call him untill he calls me. When he calls should I say I love you? If he calls. He always complains I don't say I love you first. I don't give enough affection. so maybe I could respond to his advances. For instance he calls me and I say I love you first but I cut the conversation short with I have to get off now. I feel like maybe if he had to chase me abit then he will start to do what he is supposed to be doing. He won't take the relationship for granted anymore.
liv3b, Do what your heart tells you to do...and I agree with sunshine, just back off a bit. Dont freak out about things...just back up and take time to yourself to get your thoughts together. When he complains just respond with a lovingly, 'i understand' or 'i hear what you are saying and will work harder on that'...something along those lines. This feeds his mind that you are listening and are going to do something about it. Hang in there and we will all be here to help out. You will understand what to do once you get those books and really start getting into them...
GREAT NEWS!! I feel like god convicted him and used my poem to do it. He called today out of the blue in tears. Said he was freaking out over in korea and he wants to come home that he misses me and our kids. He was really upset and crying pretty hard. Then he started to talk about the first poem I wrote entitled please. The one he didn't appreciate. Well he said reading that poem really hurt him because he didn't realize the extent of my pain untill reading that poem and felt incredible guilt and it was an eye opener. He said when he gets up the computer is getting put up. He said he only wants to bring it out when he has to leave to go over seas to keep in touch. That his marriage was much more important than always being on the computer. See this used to be a major complaint of mine was we never spent time together because he was always online. we never talked. Before we got the computer we talked all the time and would play games in bed and laugh and entertain eachother. I told him I missed not having anything but eachother for entertainment because when we first met there was no tv to distract no computer no playstation 2. We would just sit in bed for hours every night together because even tho we had a tv we didn't have an antenna to get any local stations and didn't have the money for cable. Anyways, I am babbling. He said he misses me over and over and how could he have been so stupid. He just kept crying and he said he tries to keep busy and distract himself from wanting to be home but first he read my poem then he ended up with some kind of virus and was bed ridden and had nothing to distract him and kept thinkin about the poem I wrote and the more he thought about it the more he hurt and the more he began to realize what the reality of it all is. I just remember trying not to cry myself and for the first time in a year I relaxed and felt like I could breath again. All of the hurt and anger I had been feeling eased away
Well I just checked our bank account online and he used more money and now we have checks that are going to bounce. He asked me yesterday how much money was in the account and I told him none because I wrote stuff out for bills and some of them have not gone through yet. He knew we didn't have the money and it looks like he went out to eat! He was supposed to buy enough groceries to last him untill next pay day. He wont listen to me just keeps spending!! What would you do. I have power of attorney over everything so should I just close the account and start a new one he can't have access too? Then send him money out of each pay check? I am so mad right now.
WHOA?!?! Liv3b...back up...first you are exstatic about him calling and pouring out everything! Now you are mad about the bank account..Is there anyway that his or your family could lend you some cash until you get money to pay them back...just get enough cash to cover the checks that are out and let him know to NOT spend anything until you can get more money in the acct. Money isnt everything and I would be basking in the fact that he misses you and wants to come home. Don't be mad about it...hang in there girl...dont go jumpin to conclusions...when you get a chance, tell him that you have control over the bank account and you will tell him when it is ok to spend money and how much he can spend. Do you all have a bank that lets you check things online? If so, let him check it to make sure it is ok to get money out or spend..
Sounds like things are lookin up for you all...just hang in there...talk to you soon!
