I have been lurking for a few weeks. Here is my sitch:
Married 1.5years (Divorced from 12 year marriage where I was the LD)
H is 39, I am 37. We have a 6month old baby girl. I also have S13, D7 and we have foster kids 21 and 17. H is lifetime Catholic (I converted). He has dated very little and had little sexual experience. He is a wonderful husband and Dad. We don't argue or have many serious marital issues - EXCEPT SEX! I am nursing D6mos but amazingly have much higher desire.
Here is the cycle: We ML then one week goes by and I start looking for him to initiate (I usually do), two weeks goes by and I get depressed, three weeks goes by and I get frustrated antsy and angry and at the four to six week mark we have "the talk." We have had it multiple times. He always says that he loves me, says that he desires me... But...NO ACTION. He kisses me every day (pecks) and occasionally grabs my rear but that is IT. HE says he "passionately" loves me but the issues is business downturns, sleep, kids ..... During ML -he is only comfortable with one position (me on top), kisses only afterwards and very little foreplay. I am bored with this but would be glad to get even that once/week. I would be in heaven if there were small passionate displays every other day or so and sex two times/week.
Currently, we are seeing a C (she privately says that she thinks he has issues with women in general) - have been to 3 sessions but have not seen any changes. I have "backed off" totally because I have already stated my case "I want more sex and more displays of desire" and I don't want to violate my own integrity by asking for sex (although he would probably comply in a lackluster way). Honeypot's sitch looks a lot like mine. Like her H, mine puts out a lot of "don't touch me" signals when he isn't up to intimacy - sexual or otherwise.
Help!!
Karen
My current questions: - Do I initiate touching in lightly sexual ways anyway - a little fondle here and there? - Do I outright initiate? - What is the 180 of this - it has been so back and forth.
I am SO late for class already , but I just wanted to toss in this.
Quote: I don't want to violate my own integrity by asking for sex
Asking for sex does NOT violate your integrity. I understand that you don't want to have to do it all the time, and that's reasonable. But it does not violate you in any way.
Your sitch is a lot like mine (minus the kids)... must run now. I'm sure HP will check in! Welcome, BTW!
Thanks Lilliepearl. I feel like we are in a constant "Mexican standoff" or walking on eggshells - it is almost funny sometimes to be sitting there wanting your spouse, studying his body language, horny as hell and yet not being sure whether to touch him or not - YOUR SPOUSE. It just feels crazy to me.
I am down with that American Pie comment - I feel pretty "teenager - ish sometimes".
As for the bc issue - H and I have agreed to go for "natural family planning." You might wonder if H is worried about getting pg. He isn't, he wants as many as we can manage until menopause. I feel that one more is probably more than sufficient.
My H even went to seminary for a few years until his interest (lust) for a young woman caused him to change his mind. H isn't too puritanical - he is clear that he does MB and view internet porn - pretty garden variety stuff and can't be too much - we have too much traffic (teenagers) in the house for privacy.
Karen...I think you are in pretty much EXACTLY the same spot I was in this time last year...and it SUCKS!!!!
I've been married to my LDH for 1.5 yrs as well...we have a 15 mo old. He has NEVER initiated sexually in our relationship...gives me pecks and grabs my butt every now and then too...but that's pretty much the extent of any sexual contact by him. Sound familiar? Oh, and trying to talk to him about it was like trying to chase my own tail.
I hate to tell you this but you are in for some hard work, lots of soul searching and lots more frustration...but it will begin to pay off for you if you can incorporate understanding and patience.
Ok...here are some questions for you.
What were your H's relationships like before you? What's his parents relationship like?...mother/father dominate? Has he ever had a higher sex drive than he does now...and if he has, did he have sex in the past more frequently than he does now?
Now those last two questions for me were very important...in fact I went this past year assuming the fact that he answered "yes" to I had a higher sex drive meant that he had more sex when he was younger too....WRONG!
I've lurked on quite a few of your posts - glad to have you weigh in on this one.
Answer: Mom/Dad - divorced when he was 8 or 9, had married due to unplanned pg of older sib., Mom was vocal on how everything was Dad's fault blah.... H maintains a distant but "in touch" relationship with Mom. Dad committed suicide about 6 years ago due to having depression and cancer. H received some grief counseling that helped with all that.
H would probably say he has average to high "desire" but that x,y, and z get in the way of expressing it. He would also say that sex has never been "easy" for him. I'm not sure what that means. I seriously doubt that he has ever had more sex than now - he was virgin until 30 years old (oral sex etc...prior to this) - he has had exactly 2 partners before me - had sex with each about a half dozen times or so. I think he has mostly just taken care of his needs through MB due to the religious thing.
To add to the fun and games (soul searching) - my past marriage was good sexually except that the ex was drug addicted physician and given to fits of rage in which he told me how sexually unattractive I was. BTW - I am generally considered above average looking, no weight issues .... So.... I have major issues about being sexually attractive. I am working on those in an effort to HOM and not make things any more confused than they already are.
Tell me more about your M - how are things now. What helped? What didn't?
Karen, When you mentioned your husband went to Seminary for a few years it made be think of John Gray, PhD, you know the one who wrote Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus, he also wrote Mars and Venus in the bedroom. He was in the seminary for nine years and in his books he talks about his experiences and inexperience with women given that fact. I can't think if he said anything that may be relavent to your sitch but it maybe someone your husband could relate to. You said you went to therapy so he is willing to try. This was just a thought. Truly, Jennifer
Geesh...if I didn't know any better I'd think you were me too LOL.
Ok..here's a bit of background on my H and I to see if we still are a parallel.
Me: My ex was an alcoholic, who was very verbally abusive during his bouts of drinking...cut me down sexually speaking and didn't help my LD situation one bit at that point. I was VERY LD in those days (about 15 years ago). After that I met a very nice man who taught me what great sex was...and made a concious effort to learn to enjoy sex and am now consequently the HD in my relationship with my hubby; who by the way is a really great guy!
My H: His mom is very dominant in his parents relationship. She's a wonderful woman but his dad is very laid back so she dictates everything (his role-model for women). My H dated when he was a teen but never had sex...until his 1st wife who got pregnant and they ended up married at 18. She was very controlling and used sex as a weapon with him...ended up cheating on him (my guess is because he was LD then too)...his next wife was pretty much a carbon copy of his first. To make a long story short he has a history of finding women very similar to his mom (dominant) but to the absolute extreme who dictated what their sex-life was like and used it as a weapon.
As a result my H learned to squash those flickers of sexual desire and never learned how to initiate (sexually speaking) with a woman. I just found this out this past weekend by asking him further about his sexual desire when he was a teen. See I had asked if he had a higher sex drive when he was younger...which he said yes to. So naturally I assumed he had more sex...BZZZZZ wrong answer. He didn't. When I asked him why that was he explained that in the small town he was from the opportunity just didn't come along very often. Then when he met his first wife...it was a downhill slide.
Can you imagine the frustration and relief that went through me when I got this bit of info after a year of working LOL. On one hand, I really felt badly for him. I now realize that what I'd been asking him to do (step up to the plate and initiate) he truly didn't know how to do...can you imagine the frustration he felt too?
My H has never been in a relationship where someone didn't want to control him and dictate what, when, where, how and what he was to wear. So I'm a completely new (and wonderful, his words not mine) experience for him. At the same time he loves me and loves what we're becoming, he doesn't know what the hell to do with me LOL.
Now that I understand he truly doesn't know what to do we can work on that. I have not gotten him to agree to the "scheduled sex"...a lot less romantic than I'd like...but hey the man has to start learning somehow right? He would always tell me, when I'd ask him to let me know what he likes...that he would tell me when he learned what he liked. Well if we aren't having sex, how can he learn what he likes? That was my argument for scheduling that finally broke through.
Be prepared though...you are going to have to take the driver's seat. If your H has a problem similar to my H's...and I'm beginning to think by your description that it's possible that he may...you are going to have to take the lead for awhile...until he learns.
Wow - this really is ringing true. Especially the part about his learning to squash sexual desire. When H was 26 he started working with foster kids - as a way to serve God instead of becoming a priest. Needless to say, these foster kids came with Godawful Moms - he has had very few role models of women who he can trust (he thinks I'm wonderful too - his words). His Rs were mostly going on nice dates - then he would break up when they got too demanding (probably wanted sex and he didn't know what to do). Finally, he met someone he wanted to marry. She jerked him around for a while (no sex, just oral) and finally they broke up. I kind of think he idealizes this particular R - "the one that got away" although he swears he doesn't. Then he met a couple of other women who he wound up having sex with but it was few and far between and probably not any more creative than our love making. Anyway, I think he squashed his sexuality at seminary, in order to set an example for the kids, in relationships until he was sure of them etc... His version of initiating is either to say "Can we have sex now?" or just kind of tickle my legs/butt with his fingernails in bed. He would NEVER just go for a breast, a passionate kiss or anything like that.
I plan to work on the scheduled sex idea soon too.
, but I just wanted to toss in this. 