It's been almost 4 months since I started DBing and the last month and a half has been much better for us. My H and I are not fighting, our kids are happier, and the awkwardness is starting to go away but still there. It's like we are two strangers getting to know each other again. I still feel like I am walking on egg shells and unsure if feelings for the OW still exist. I suspect they have lessened by the way H is acting but it's always there on my mind. I constantly wonder how I measure up to the young girl that H found so very attractive. I want to take a trip or go on a retreat, but H isn't willing. I always get the stop sign. I feel once again that I am giving my all but getting very little back. One of the things that got us to this point. We went to a wedding together. I went out and bought something really sexy to wear and made a stop at Victoria Secret. I knew several people at the wedding even though this was a friend of my H's. I applied DB techniques while there by not hanging around him every minute and finding other people to dance with and talk too. I noticed his face when I got up and left the table. He seemed intrigued as to where I was going but I guess I expected too much. I was hoping he'd actually come looking for me but it seemed that he was more glad that I left. I came home in a bad mood and made a mistake about talking about us. Two days later we had a family day at my BIL's and it was a nice day. I felt close to him when we got home and told him I missed him. He put his head of my shoulder and we ML that night. After, I felt the urge to say ILU but held back. I thanked him instead for sticking around and his reply was the best one I've had in months. He said "Thank you for having me". I really felt close and it practically killed me not to say ILU. What happens if he doesn't here it from me and thinks that I am not sincere. I have been trying to work on making him happy but I am not so sure I am making myself happy. I guess I am getting impatient again and want more than he is capable of giving right now. Sometimes it's really hard to find the patience. I keep waiting for that day that he wants to say ILU and it's hard not to want that right now. I still get a little funny when I see some of his bank transactions and OW # is still in his Cell phone directory. I have the urge to ask him to remove it but then it tells him I have been looking and I am hoping he will do it on his own. Piecing is beginning to get boring and this is how I got to my ugly point and pretty much was a WAW who never actually walked away. I really think a trip would be good for both of it but he cannot see it and the answer is always "No"
Anyone have reluctant H's where you wanted to go away and he didn't. Sure could use a good technigue to get him to go.
Dear Baaabs68, There could be a lot of reason your H is resisting a trip away. Maybe he knows how much you think it will help your R and he's resisting b/c he thinks it'll be a lot of work (relationship work, like talking about feelings). My idea is to stop asking him and telling him why you want to go. It's part of the theory of stop doing the same thing. First you could plan a trip on your own, something that you want to do for yourself, he'll get the idea that it's what you want and although he's invited your ok to do it on your own. The other is to plan something fun with another trusted couple who you both enjoy being around. You want a romantic getaway to make everything better, sometimes it comes in steps. For me, I wanted to go away with my H in Sep, he wouldn't commit. So I planned the same thing with my sister for a weekend I knew he was busy and didn't tell him about it. He found out when my sister wanted to change weekends, and then her H said he'd like to go if we sceduled it for him. The next day my H said if I plan it for Dec11 he'd go. I was really surprised. I admit I felt a little sad knowing that he was motivated by the other people, but the plans include me too. Maybe it's his safety zone. My expectations are to have a good time with family, I want him, and myself, to remember we can do that. So sometimes things can work out. You talk about the wedding you went to and it was going well until your insecurities got the best of you. Don't get me wrong you have every right to be insecure, it just doesn't bring out the feelings in H that your striving for. You said you are trying to make him happy but your not happy yourself. Focus on making yourself happy. You may just get that reaction from H your looking for at the same time feel better about yourself. Truly, Jennifer
Thanks for the info. I asked H this morning as he seem to be feeling close to me and he said ok as long as we didn't go far. Not sure if he really wants to but at this point I have learned through DBing that this is a step in the right direction, no matter what his reasons for saying yes are. I've been wanting to go away for a long time but we let kids and schedules get in the way for far too long. That is one of the big reasons we are where we are. This is one of the things that I definitely needed all these years. I love my kids but it's nice to forget that I am Mommy, wife, acctg. Mgr..etc.... for a while. I thought about asking another couple but it's tough. My H is a Police Officer and everyone has different schedules. My H doesn't really keep in touch with many of the childhood and good friends he had. This is another problem that we have. We cut ourselves off from everyone else, a definite cause for M death. We have it extremely tough when finding sitters. Both of our mothers are gone and everyone else is busy or far away. Now that my kids are a little older (6,4,3) It's easier to find a teenager or young adult to watch them but over night trips are still tough. You are right about my insecurities. I have many. I constantly wonder if H thinks about OW or if he is over it. It bothers me that there may be a place in his heart for someone else and I will always wonder if she is still in it. While I feel better as time goes by, I still have spells, like just the other day, where all I can do is think about this horrible past summer and wish it all away. I here some songs on the radio and it makes me think of the timeframe and wonder how many songs make my H think of her. This is beyond trust. It's about my feelings and every horrible thing my H said to me about not loving me and maybe never did and it was all always me, etc.... Then I remember the love I felt from him (a long time ago), and many times stronger than my own. I know I hurt him in ways and I know he's got his defensive wall up. I just don't know if he will ever let it down enough for me to creep back into his heart. When I completely do something without him, he gets mad and says something like "If I ever just went away for 3 days and left you with the kids, I'd have a cow" Not true...he's never gone away for 3 days so how would he know if I would get upset or not. I try to encourage him to go away with buddies but he doesn't. I always feel like I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. It's also hard for me to find people to go on trips with. Most of them do not leave home without their spouses. I feel like my options are limited either way and sometimes very hopeless. I know I need to do these things and thanks for the advice. I have to figure out a good way how.
I'm glad your H said yes to go away. I hope the sitter works out. I have two thoughts. The first is about when you hear a song and you think what song makes your husband think of her. Well that thought is not real. Meaning it didn't happen, you don't know if any song would make your H think of anybody. When our imagination starts to go down a negative way think of it as a weed, pull it and throw it away. This isn't easy since we know weeds keep coming back, but if you keep at it, there will be room for flowers to grow. You have enough to sort out without our minds imagining situation that may have happened. If this didn't make sense sorry. The second thought is about finding ways to make you happy. Start really small. Use a favorite bath soap, do your own laundry first before everybody else's, buy yourself fresh cut flowers because their pretty, get a massage. You nurture other people in your life and its always hard to do that for yourself. Good night, Jennifer
Yes and thanks, I know I need to do this and it's a matter of self discipline. Since this summer, my guard is up. It's kind of self preservation because I do not want to go to the place that I was this summer. I was always a confident, eager, full of life individual until this all happened. My self-esteem went right out the window and I sank into a deep depression. I began doing things for myself. In September I went to a SPA for an entire afternoon and got the works. It was amazing! I have since been going back for facials once every 4-6 weeks. I here what you are saying about the flowers. I am slowly doing this, I also know this whole process is pretty slow and that patience is a virtue. I am slowly learning not to react to my H when he is pissy or says something I don't like. This was a hard task for me to accomplish but I am so very proud when I walk away from a would be argument. In the past, I always had to have the last word. As for me being happy, that is a challenge. I need to learn to accept the good things in my life and be grateful and happy. I was a very career oriented person when my H first met me and I could tell he was impressed by this. We were in our early 20's and I had good job, decent place to live, and a new car. He was just getting his act together. It slowly became a competition and sometimes I think it was too much for him. I always made more money until recently and I think this bothered him all these years. It wasn't until we had kids that my priorities changed and a career became hard to manage, along with school. I finally became burnt out. Then this summer was the last straw and I think I had a mild breakdown. I am also full of energy so I am always the one to say lets go here, lets go there and all he wants to do is stay home. We let each other down and I realize now that it's both of us that need to work on it if we want to stay together. He's beginning to come around and we are getting to be friends again. I just need to learn to cool my jets when things don't happen as I had hoped. Thanks again for the advice.
B, Reading about your history sounds a lot like mine. I have been career oriented, and pursued my Masters while working full time and have made more money than H for the last 5yrs. My job has me travelling every week, away 2 to 4 days. This schedule changed my energy level and the fact that my H refused to plan for a family and turning 35, I too became depressed. I was shocked when he said one day I don't know if I want to be with you anymore. I was a mess and he wouldn't talk to me for four weeks, then I found out he was talking to someone else on the phone. I did a lot of self reflection, trying to avoid self blaming and decided to work on myself. Since then and using some techniques from DB H has been more open. My trust has been challenged and H thinks it's no big deal talking to OW on phone since it was only talking. I have been forcing myself to stop imagining what the conversations were or what he was thinking. I actually tell myself to STOP, outloud when I'm going there. It only makes me feel bad and over somthing that's not real. You said it with patience is a virture. The hardest thing for me is letting go of the way I thought my R was perfect, the fairytale. Life was not always easy but we loved each other and I trusted him, so it was perfect. A crazy idea but I've been telling myself that it's ok, letting go of the ideals of how everything should have been or should be as helped me right now. I figure if we can talk and live together without all the anger then more answers will come to me. I need to know what I want out of life, and to spend more time in the present, not the past or the future. We are not really living if we let the present moment pass us by. Realizing you both need to work at it is so true and that determined, outgoing person you used to be before you burnt out is still in there. You need to nurture that part of you because self respect and self esteem come from inside you. I think it was in the book that I read that a marriage is about three lives, yours, his and your life together. Our H's can't provide us with every need. Don't get me wrong I'm still angry with my H's actions, but before that I internalized that anger towards myself and that leads to depression. I know I can still love him, be nice to him and be angry with him all at the same time. This change in me has made a difference don't ask me why. I still have a lot of questions but I am taking one day at a time. Michele's book "Getting Through To The Man You Love", has a chapter on "Smart Talk: How to Talk So Men Will Listen". I've used a couple of her talking tips and to my amazement its worked. If you want more info on these let me know. Keep doing those good things for, avoiding those zingers and thanks for reading. Truly, Jennifer
That was inspirational. Thanks for the advice. I think one of the most difficult tasks in all this is how to put on the "show" of acting as if, when I really feel like you know what. I did a lot of blaming and went so far as to tell my H at some point that I don't need him. That is one of the worst things you can say to your S. Everyone is needed and I blame myself for a lot of what happened to us even though I know it was him too. I'm not sure what my H had to this day. He definitely had an EA and it looks like you had the same reaction from your H that I did. My H, after I caught him embraced with the OW, (did I mention it was our 21 year old Nanny...read my thread in the newcomers forum, "Hope Comes & Goes", I am 36), he proceeded to tell me that everything that I saw was completely innocent and that they became friends and talked. Then the cell phone bill came. My trust isn't really there but I have stopped interrogating him face to face. I do believe she is gone and that he is trying. I just don't know how much he was into her and how long, if and when, until he forgets or stops wanting her. I think I will try what you do and tell myself to "STOP" out loud. Again, it's a matter of self discipline. My biggest problem is we do not talk at all about what happened or our feelings. I know this is a big no no and that I am supposed to keep the conversation light and happy, like we used to before all this ugly stuff came between us. Keep the advice flowing, your posts are comforting! Thanks
and that they became friends and talked. Then the cell phone bill came. My trust isn't really there but I have stopped interrogating him face to face. I do believe she is gone and that he is trying. I just don't know how much he was into her and how long, if and when, until he forgets or stops wanting her. I think I will try what you do and tell myself to "STOP" out loud. Again, it's a matter of self discipline. My biggest problem is we do not talk at all about what happened or our feelings. I know this is a big no no and that I am supposed to keep the conversation light and happy, like we used to before all this ugly stuff came between us. Keep the advice flowing, your posts are comforting! Thanks