I believe my H and I are coming to a threshold of real progress. I've posted on here before small things that sometimes seem huge to me, but now I think I see us coming up to a door and getting ready to open it (finally).
My H went hunting again this past weekend...when he does that I get some time to myself to do some real soul searching and deep thinking. I came to the realization that my H and I have been shooting ourselves in the foot as far as real progress goes because we're both afraid to speak up to the other about our issues in the fear of hurting the others feelings...or just plain ole pissing each other off.
Last Friday I had sent my H an e-mail outlining some problems I was having, getting discouraged about a few things. I wrote the e-mail very eloquently...got things off my chest....then spent 15 minutes pondering over whether I should hit "send" or not; I actually got knots in my stomach over it. Why in the world am I that anxious about communicating with my own husband?!!
FYI, I didn't write the e-mail as the chicken-poop way out...it was actually merely to save time, as my H was planning on going hunting after work, we're currently on opposite work schedules and we rarely actually see each other right now.
But as it happens...when he called me later in the evening the conversation turned around to the fact that I had written the e-mail to him; I had mentioned it so I wouldn't have to wait 2 weeks for him to read it. Naturally he was wanting to know if the e-mail was good/bad (his words), I could tell by his voice he thought it was an awful e-mail. So to keep a long conversation short...I told him what was in it. I also told him how nervous I was about sending it to him. That I could envision him getting really pissed off and walking out the door...his reply was "Oh No!!! I'd never do that! You don't ever have to worry about that! But take that feeling and apply it to me trying to initiate sex with you." EUREKA!!!!
We talked a bit which in and of itself really surprised me...he has never been willing to have this type of a conversation with me while he was at work...and after we hung up I really put some thought into things. I realized when I ask questions of him, I really try to protect him too much when I'm doing it. I don't just ask a question flat-out, it's almost as if I preface it in such a way that I give him an out to not fully answer my question...so I shoot myself in the foot, then wonder why I get frustrated when things don't really stay improved. I don't really ask the right questions to get the information I need...the questions are too open ended, he can pick/choose to give the info he feels safe giving. So how are we ever going to solve our problems if we keep up this emotional Do-se-do?
So...when he came home yesterday I told him I wanted to continue our conversation. For once he really seemed open to it. So I asked some very direct questions....and learned some very interesting information. For example...in the past I had asked my husband did he have a higher sex drive when he was younger...he said yes, so I dropped it at that. I assumed (my mistake) when he said that, that he had a more "active" sex-life. This is not the case. So, last night I asked him when he was younger how frequently did he have sex...he said really not very often. That he was too shy with the women to really approach them...so the opportunities really didn't come along very often. This led me to ask "then were you uncomfortable initiating with women? Were you just not sure how to go about it?" I came to realize he had always chosen women who were of a stronger more dominate personality who always dictated their sex-life. Now he has me, and simply doesn't know how to go about being stronger sexually speaking...so he's going to have to learn how to do that...which by the way he says he's willing to do, so now I'm going to have to push harder for that.
He met/married his first wife (at 18) and the cycle of emotional/sexual abuse started. So...I may not like the fact that I learned that my H has had sexual thoughts/desires (yes towards women...I went there LOL) his entire adult life, but has never learned how to really act on them. But at least I have a better grasp on what we're dealing with.
So I pushed the issue of scheduling sex (as many of you have suggested). I reminded him that we both enjoy it when we ML, but we simply do not do it frequently enough. I also brought up the fact that when we do ML we NEVER do anything differently, there's two positions and that's it! I told him I would like to try some different things with him...and he replied "well when I learn what I like I'll try to do it or ask you for it."...which gave me the opportunity to tell him "but if we don't ML more frequently how are you going to learn what you like? That's why I want to pick two nights a week and shoot for at least one of them." He couldn't argue the point on that.
We also were able to have a more in-depth discussion about talking to each other. We both agreed we aren't going anywhere and that we both do tend to tip-toe around each other far too much.
I feel sooo much better after these two conversations. I really do feel this was our most open exchange to date. Now I am going to ask him to let his C know about our conversation and hold my hubby to one of those two (if not both) nights of the week.
