Hello, everyone - I'm Myrrh. I've been a member of this BB for awhile. H and I were separated for about 10 months, and we went through three months of marriage counseling. I have a history of severe depression and anger management issues.
Things were good up until about a week ago, and since then I have found myself getting angry, controlling, and quarrelsome again with my H. I have complained about feeling ignored, unloved, and like the passion was really lacking between us (I have felt before that these things were fine). I talked to my H last night about these things, and he agreed with me that he is just not feeling as passionate (in general) as he used to, and confessed that he is really depressed and unhappy with himself. TBH, this scares the crap out of me!
I can help him to not feel depressed. What I can do is attempt to get back the loving and supportive environment I had managed to create before - it seems to positively impact our M when I am not nagging, whining, etc. I think I need to scale back my expectations in light of recent tough times, and understand that it will take a bit of time to get back to where we were.
So, what are my goals for my M? To regain the emotional closeness and peace we had in our relationship.
How will I know when this happens? 1) We won't be fighting. 2) We will be snuggling a lot, and hugging and kissing. 3) H will spontaneously tell me how his day is going, and offer input on household stuff, and important stuff as well. 4) We will be doing things together occasionally as a family, and occasionally as a couple (my goal is once a month for each).
What am I going to do to help us achieve these goals? 1) Make an appointment with a doctor about AD's - I think the winter weather is making my tendency to be depressed worse, and that isn't helping me. I feel like having the advantage of meds will help me to more easily maintain my emotional equilibrium. 2) When H comes home at night, greet him at the door with a smile and a hug. Avoid the "how was your day?" stuff for now. Questions don't work with him when we aren't feeling close. 3) Avoid commenting on the following issues for a while: a) time he is on the computer b) things I have asked him to do and he hasn't done c) times I am feeling ignored and unloved NOTE: This avoidance is only for right now, because I feel that every time I bring this up, it sounds like a critical attack. I would much rather point out to him when he does wonderfully on these things than make him feel bad because he hasn't done them to my specifications. 4) Listen really well to what H has to say. Bring my frustration here to the BB, to my Mom's group at church, or to a friend (they are pretty common marital frustrations at this point, so no worries that someone will tell me to pack it in and "leave the bum!") Sage had a goal of "talking 50% less than she wanted to" - I think that's a great guideline for me, because I tend to run on at the mouth.
This feeling he has of depression scares the crap out of me, and I want to ensure it isn't the stress of me making him feel bad that's bringing it on. If things don't get better, well, I guess we will cross that bridge when we come to it.
Does everyone think my goals are fairly clear? What do you guys think about my revised expectations? Any input is, as always, welcome and very appreciated! Hugs to all, Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
Even though we have already chatted about this, I figure I'd log here what we discussed for reminder's sake.
I have a special needs kid who is very affected by changes... all of them. And this time of year, our bodies don't transition from daylight savings time to standard time without some struggle. I know that D7 has had a tough time. I know that I'm having some difficulty as well (and my changes are in my appetite, which I learned is normal) and even Mr. Wonderful has joked about being depressed until it's getting lighter at the end of the day as well.
Men are just as susceptible to environmental changes as women, Myrrh. So what to do with this information?
Apply it and use compassion and understanding.
You two have had a horrific and surreal year. His horrible experience at the shop, the fear of being implicated with his business partner, losing your baby, having difficulties with your family all come in to play here.
It seems to me as though you guys took 5 years of horror and condensed it into half a year. And I know I would have difficulty figuring anything out in the middle of that turmoil.
I really just want to pass along some free advice given to me by my SIL after I was first married. First I thought she was nuts. But after I had kids, I realized that she was right.
She told me that there would be times when me and Mr. Wonderful would be emotionally disconnected. And while the temptation to give in to the feeling of needing more time alone would take root, the answer is to put more effort and time in with him.
In the past, you've indicated that your H responds really well to PT. Can you start building this momentum back with him by initiating hugs? Or leaning over in bed tonight and initiating some closeness? And I'll go one step further, because I know I can push your buttons....
How about laying your body on top of his, giving him some warm kisses and tell him how much you miss him and love him? And how much you want to feel connected to him again?
I'm going to guess that you really punch some good buttons with very little effort. The best reward? You know, because of your efforts, that these changes occurred.
That's pretty powerful, sweetie.
Now how about some goals that are self nurturing and things that bring joy to you as a person?
I'll keep the rest of our chat between us...
Big hugs!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Well. I thought I would journal a bit about last night and this morning...
H and I talked some again last evening, shortly after he got home. I was scrapbooking when he got here, and the first thing he said to me was "well, it looks like you haven't done anything today!" I was less than thrilled about this comment, although I am sure many of you realize that my H occasionally has this ability to say the dumbest things, without specifically meaning to be rude, insensitive, etc. He then proceeded to plunk himself down at the computer, and ask me what was for dinner, and wwas I going to get garlic bread? This was the same garlic bread he forgot to get on the way home. So, we had a little talk. In the course of what was a pretty tough discussion he gently suggested that maybe my frustration was not only because he acted like a dufus, but also because of the time of the month (yes, he is a really brave boy) and the time of the year. He said he didn't feel as if he was treating me any differently than he had been, but he had noticed that I seemed down, and that some of the things I had been working so hard to keep up with (laundry, etc) I seemed to not care about. Basically he was trying to express concern for me. He said he was not sure if his own unhappiness was because of himself, or because of the difficulties we had been having. Then we hugged, and he made a few funny comments. I went down to the basement to sort the laundry and start a load or two.
Well, he surprised me by coming downstairs and putting the moves on me in the laundry room! That was fun, but we had to go back upstairs to keep an eye on the little guy (he was watching a movie in his room). He went and got some fast food for dinner (I was completely exhausted) for all of us, so we ate dinner, and hopped on our online game to play (we have two computers, so we can do this together, now. I stopped when I got tired, and took care of the few things I needed to before I went to bed.
Now, before I continue, I should mention that whenever I head off to bed and say "good night," things get really tense. H feels like I am pressing him to go to bed, I expect some big, hearty "good night" back from him, and it just always turned into an unpleasant situation. Weird how random things can turn into pet peeves. So anyway, last night I just quietly got ready for bed, and slipped off to our room without saying anything.
About ten minutes later, I heard him turn off lights and locking the door, and still just kind of enjoyed laying there and relaxing. When he got into bed, he started telling me about how much fun he was having installing floors at the house he and his brother were working on, bu tthat it really made him sore. He hasn't talked that much in a while! So I rubbed his back for a bit, listened to what he ahd to say, and then, well, there was . And again this morning, some seriously wonderful . So things are going better - I will let you guys know how it goes tonight!
Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
There is nothing so heartwarming as being missed by good friends. My Christmas was wonderful (although very busy). We had three separate events to go to on Christmas Day, and one each the day before Christmas Eve, and on Christmas Eve. We all had a wonderful time!
Our New Year's Eve was very quiet - just Dustin and I at home with Rhane. It was sweet. Dustin proposed a toast with a tiny bit of wine at midnight and gave me a sweet kiss.
My parents' divorce was final last Monday, and I am finally coming to grips with that. The ease and calm of having completely separate relationships with both of them has helped, although they have been able to come together for major family events. The same day the divorce was final, the son of our former next door neighbor (also Mom and Dad's divorce lawyer) had a terrible accident under really awful circumstances, and strangled himself to death. We all knew him, and we were devastated to hear about this. The visitation and funeral were really tough.
On a happier note, we found out a week or two ago that we are pregnant again, so I am cautiously expecting with a due date around September 5th. My first appointment is tomorrow, and I am hoping that a healthier diet, less stress, and more rest will give us a happy and healthy nine months this time!
Things are going really well here. I still read both of your threads on an almost daily basis, and I've missed you, too!
Big Hugs, Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
WOOHOO! It is offically a party on my tiny thread. This little one was planned, and is very much wanted. I imagine I will be holding my breath until we hear a heartbeat in another month or so, but I am praying things go smoothly this time, and I am so happy to see you guys! If you start posting regularly, I will definitely have to visit you!
Speaking of visits, Nev, I owe you a big one! I have been reading lately, and my thoughts are with you as you go through this really tough stuff.
Hugs all around! Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
Betsey 
. And again this morning, some seriously wonderful 
And glad to hear things are going well.