I just found multiple CD's with webcam stuff, bj's, and some other really nasty stuff burned from MY computer, using blank CD's that I purchased. Before we married 2.5 years ago, I found a stash of printed pictures in our bedroom (lived together for a year before we got married). He insisted they were "old" even though the dates on the printouts were current. He promised never again.
This was one thing we've talked about in counseling and with 2 different counselors. I found a subscription notice for a webcam service in the e-mails; H swore that he didn't sign up for it. The dates on the CD's are consistent with the time period of that service.
He has no interest in me but is gung-ho for this stuff. I thought we were trying to work on our marriage. We have sex once a week (I can't even think of it as love making now) with him not wanting any foreplay or anything. I guess it's kind of like the once-a-week trash pickup to him...just something that has to be done. I just don't understand.
I wish I had some advice. I can only commiserate, since mine is a similar story...H +I haven't had sex in years, I've been trying to work on R 'stuff' for a while now, and I found that H has been downloading lots of porn.
When I brought it up to H, I only said that I knew, and that it bothered me since it seemed he was using that as a way to avoid dealing with our problems. I didn't think it would be a good idea at that point to ask him to stop, but I do wish he would acknowledge that he needs to put some time into our R as well.
I know it's caused a lot of resentment - H is very uncomfortable at home right now, and avoids unnecesary contact with me, won't go to a C.
My H is a very private person, I know he has his own 'demons' to deal with, and I know I hit a very raw nerve when I brought it up. I wish I knew the way to deal with this without him feeling I'm attacking him.
COgal I have read a few of your posts about your H's lack of responsibility (truck payments, cell phone and now the subscription notice for a webcam service. It sounds like this guy is your child or pimp, not your H. Do not get me wrong, I am not critical of you. But you have to know your H is a people user. using You in particular. If he asks for money, say he is a man, and a man knows how to take care of himself. Boys want their mommy to fix things. Get as much of his things in his name as you can. If they can not be put in his name, he does not need it.
<<H swore that he didn't sign up for it>> Yea, right for the 10,000th. time. I used to work in a half way house for deliquent boys so I heard that often. As long as "YOU" are bailing him out, (making payments, giving him money) YOU are letting him get away with it HE will keep doing it. And for heaven sake DO NOT PAY ANYTHING on his bills. Relatives bailing out the boys ( giving them money ) was one of the biggest problems we had at the group home.
Please go back and do what Hairdog suggested. It was about "Beets Walking." I have been reading Hairdogs posts for several months. He is a intelligent lawyer.
<< with him not wanting any foreplay or anything. I guess it's kind of like the once-a-week trash pickup to him...just something that has to be done. I just don't understand >>
I read somewhere you are 46. Do you think you are over the hill, trash, or unattractive? Because I do not know you, I do not know if what I have to say fits. To me 46 is not over the hill. If you let him treat you like trash then he will think of you as trash. What is unattractive is how you let your H use you. How do you feel when he uses you?
Sorry if I sound so harsh toward you. I am not beating you up. I am trying to get you to look out for yourself more. Have some boundries or others will use you and the more they use you the more they will resent you. Kind of strange, the more you give, the more they resent you. There is a book with the title or phrase "good fences make good neighbors." Fences refers to boundries and neighbors refers to spouses and friends.
I do a little work in the police station and over hear the calls that come in. People 35 to 65 years old throwing a spouses things out on the sidewalk because that spouse drank the last beer or some other lame excuse. I think most first graders have more common sense and not do what the callers do. I guess I saw too much manipulation at the group home and the police station and now see things in a different light.
COgal make small improvements in your life. Do something nice for yourself, go uot with friends that appreciate you. Read Divorce Remedy for you, not your H or anyone else.
OG Lou's smell test. Would I (or you) want my (or your) 21 year old daughter to be in this relationship? answer: stinks, failed test.
Sorry to hear your H is pulling crap like this. Doesn't he know that most people aren't gullible enough to buy his statement of "those are old" (referring to the printed pictures) when the print date is right there?!!
Sorry for the vent...but I just got finished dealing with one of my best friends who divorced a man who displayed similar behavior...he was having a relationship with a girl from the time she was 13-16yrs of age. Things like this throw up BIG warning signs for me.
Now don't get me wrong, he may not be doing anything like that at all, I'm not trying to suggest that he is. But the fact is he's still doing what you and he are supposed to be addressing in counseling and his behavior just causes my spine to stiffen up.
One thing I wanted to see if you knew how to do, is check the history files on your computer. If you check the history on your computer and there's continually nothing there (if he knows how to delete those files, which isn't hard) that would be a suspicious sign that he's still going somewhere on the net that he doesn't want you to know about. If he doesn't know about the history files...then that's also an excellent place to go see where he's surfing when he's on the net
You can also view your "Temporary files" on your computer. Those will show images that have popped up on the screen, or that he's downloaded and many other things. Most people don't think about cleaning their computer out of their temporary or "cached" files very often. My best friend's ex would clean out his history file, but always forgot to clean out the "temp" or "cached" files...that's how I caught him sending erotic e-mail to a 13yr old.
Just some info on where to look...if you wish to use it.
You may remember that he moved out for a month in the spring. I haven't paid a single payment for him since he's been back and will not do it again. Somehow he's managed to get the money for that AND hockey, of course. I'm still having difficulty getting him to contribute to household expenses though.
He knew my feelings about porn before he ever moved in with me. It's one of the reasons I ended my previous marriage of 16 years. I also told him that I wanted him to agree to 2 things before he moved in - no porn and no pictures of other women. He's violated both:( Unfortunately, I never realized that I'd have to tell a grown (ha!) man that he must help out financially.
He could probably have looked at this stuff online and erased his "footprint" without me noticing, but NO he has to burn CD's of it and name each of them. A CD named "Kimberly" is very suspicious. It also concerns me that I have a 16 year-old daughter who is considered "hot" (at least by my 14-year old son's icky friends).
I am 46 but easily look 10 years younger...except on days like today. I know I'm intelligent, just not in this for some reason.
Ok, what do I do with these CD's? Right now they're living in the bottom of my shredder (in one piece, no less!).
- no porn and no pictures of other women. He's violated both:( Unfortunately, I never realized that I'd have to tell a grown (ha!) man that he must help out financially.
What are you going to do about this? Just curious since you told him he had to agree to those things and he agreed and has now violated.
Hmm...the vengeful side of me is thinking sticking them in the microwave sounds pretty good. Makes it pretty hard for him to use them...which of course so does just busting them up. But for me...watching them warp kind has a poetic justice to it LOL
I've thought about "accidently" dropping one in his office. I've also thought of a little role-playing during the once-a-week...how about calling me "autumn" tonight, honey (one of the CD names)? I've thought about down-loading pictures of men and naming the CD "fall." I'm really not interested in the porn though.
I don't know what I'm going to do; it's going to be very hard to concentrate at work today. What's funny is that I don't think he has enough interest in sex to even masturbate while watching the clips.
He's violated my trust. Somehow I knew that those were in the desk...I seem to have an uncanny sense of where he stores this stuff. I'm almost wondering if he wanted me to find them so that we'd have a big fight and he'd run away to live with his buddies again.
If these were in his desk (and if he knows you go in there, if it's not private) then he wasn't hiding them from you. If he was trying to hide them they wouldn't be so easy to find now would they?
The fact is...he's broken the trust. Don't play games...don't stoop to that, I know it's somewhat tempting though. You need to calmly confront him. Let him know you've found them, that you've discussed this behavior before...he knows where you stand on it, and tell him what the consequences will be (whatever you're prepared to back up) for his continuing these actions.
You're going to have to put your foot down. I know this is an inconvenience to you...but if you have the internet at work (apparantly you do) have you thought about disconnecting it at home? Just a thought off of the top of my head...once it's hooked back up he may very well continue this behavior.
My suggestion would be basically the same as GEL. You need to talk to him about this and be ready to apply the consequences<sp> that you feel are right for the situation. If this is a deal breaker for you. Let me know and follow through with it. I think the straight forward approach will work best.
